Tag: Christian

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As we all know – I have been ran through the mud. I have been hurt.  Angered. I have been mocked.  Made fun of.  All by people who really don’t know anything about me. That being said, you all have been supportive as can be. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. So here is an answer to a question I got.

The email read,

“Hey.  I don’t know how you are holding up.  I have watched this going on…  The job. The gossip. The health issues. The kids. How are you holding up – I mean this as a question, not even a “How are you?” (I care how you are, I’m just struggling too- help me!) I’m losing my mind from the past year, myself. Any advice?”

Well first, I am holding up shocking well – now.  Keyword is now.  In an hour, who knows. But right now, I am doing ok. And of course.  I have advice.  Here’s my top ten things you should/shouldn’t do to complicate your life any futher. All written and determined of the past 10 year chaotic journey of my own. Enjoy. LOL!

10. Keep everything in Perspective.

Perspective is underrated. In each moment of our lives, things seem huge, am I right? I’m a widow – and this isn’t even widow talk.  You all saw my crying “Chris Crocker” style video because my feelings got hurt.  People often think that once you know real trauma -you have a gift where other things don’t phase you.  Not true. I might be able to snap out of quicker, but it still hurts.

What gets me through is perspective.  This woman calling me names, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought when I was enduring chemo. I wouldn’t have cared. And guess what? I choose to try my best not to now. It’s perspective.  She was nonexistent to me before, really.  Why care now? It’s perspective.

9. Healthy People take their Health for Granted.

And sometimes, sick people who get healthy-still take their health for granted. So, whether it be physical or mental health – take care of it. And be grateful for it.  For real.  If you smoke stop.  IF you are overweight and sedentary – get healthy.  If you struggle with your mind, get therapy.  Check your heath insurance.  You probably have benefits that you don’t even know about. Take advantage of it and be the best version of you that you can be. If you don’t have health insurance, there are a lot of programs out there to help you.  I know it’s hard.

Let me be honest, If I ate what and how I wanted, and I didn’t exercise, I would be morbidly obese.  For sure.

8. Always Choose Kindness.

I haven’t always chosen kindness.  Sometimes, my words have gotten the best of me.  Sometimes, I have allowed jealousy to enter into my heart with such malice.  Sometimes, I have judged others to make myself feel better. But every single time I have chosen kindness, I have not been disappointed.  Sure, revenge feels good – for a second.  But it doesn’t for the long haul.  So have some good people around you that can be a voice of reason when you are being crazy – and work towards kindness.

7. Confidence is not being well-dressed. Confidence is expressing who you really are.

We all know that my hair is my pride and joy. We all know that my fashion choices maybe a touch out the norm. But I will tell ya this, mohawk and all – I feel like I am living my best self when I am me.  Fake eyelashes and all. I love animal prints – and nontraditional art.   So be yourself. IF you want purple streaks and they make you feel good – get purple streaks. You wanna shave your head, shave your head. Be confident. Confidence looks good on every single person. And if you like your hair in a side part – BY ALL MEANS GET THE SIDE PART! Don’t listen to TikTok!

 6. Allow yourself to be touched.

This is science.  Physical touch can heal.  Like I’m serious.  It really can. Google it.  Physical touch has healing benefits.  It can increase your immune system.  It can lower the blood sugar of people with Diabetes.

There are studies showing that touch signals safety and trust, it soothes. Basic warm touch calms cardiovascular stress. It activates the body’s vagus nerve, which is intimately involved with our compassionate response, and a simple touch can trigger release of oxytocin.

And think of babies – holding a baby can calm a baby.  It’s physical touch.  If you are single, and don’t have a partner, that’s okay.  It isn’t just a couple thing.  Hug your kids.  Your nieces or nephews.  Your friends.  Or even, schedule a massage.  I’m serious.  It helps.

5. Gossip is Capital – Don’t be involved in that Market.

Again, I have went down that road in my past. Never ends well.  But what I can say is this.  If you have ever confided in me – your secrets are safe. For life.  Even if you hate me now.  Steel trap.  And if we were friends, and don’t talk anymore – still, I got you. Don’t be one of those people who air things that were given in confidence. It is actually gross.

My therapist told me this today – and it’s freaking brilliant.  She said, “When people gossip, their whole purpose to gossiping is create worth within themselves.  When people gossip – they are either experiencing fear, a desire for belonging or inclusion, and a craving for intimacy and a sense of connection.  If someone is gossiping, they are sad people. Looking for someone externally to give them approval.” It makes it a little easier to forgive when you think of the damage they have are feeling internally.  

4.  Address your problems as the arise – and complaining will not fix things.

Problems are like splinters.  Might not seem like a big deal, but ignore it – and you might end up with a full body infection.  Address each issue as they come up. Let me give you a real life “Kristie” example.

At one point in my adult life, I was seriously financially burdened. Medical bills, life, and everything else – was sucking me dry.  I was “robbing Peter to pay Paul.”  Finally, it got to the point to where I couldn’t sleep at night. I literally had to get a grip on my finances.  I needed to see just how poor I was.

Had I not done that, I would not have been able to solve the problem. I would have been a slave to ignoring the mailbox, and feeling like I was going to throw up when I had to pay bills.  Now my finances are top priority. I manage my money so it doesn’t manage me. I can go get the mail without a brown bag to hyperventilate in. It feels good.

And complaining, doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t fix  your finances, it doesn’t fix your mood. This one, I am good at.  When you want to complain, think of the opposite, and choose gratitude.  Turn, “I’m starving” into, “I can’t wait to get to Publix for $5.00 Sushi night!”

Acceptance is the first step to freedom. If you are in denial about your present circumstance, you will be locked in a cycle of misery. Once you accept things as they are and you find that you don’t like what you see, you can take the next step to change things for the better.

3. It’s not all about you.

We are the center of our own worlds, of course. But what if you actually flip that switch for five minutes a day.  Take your kids or partner for example… Instead of “What do I have to do today?”, try “What do we need to do today, and maybe I can help you achieve your goal.”

Pay attention to the actions and behaviors of others in your life. Look at the context clues.  Are they sad? Scared? Being bullied, maybe? It’s normal to be intensely aware as to what is going on in your life, just be mindful, that others are around you also.

2. Love is more than a feeling.  It’s a choice.

Everyone wants to be in love, right? Falling in love is mad easy.  Staying in love – not so easy.  I recommend before entering any relationships – be honest.  Don’t change who you are – because overtime – you will change. I am not the same person now that I was at 20. So, if I “fake it” at 20 – end up married to be someone’s ideal – naturally change as they do – BOOM. Problems. And fun facts, this goes for friendships, too.  For a long time, I wanted to morph to be what I thought people wanted.  I am a people pleaser.  I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked.  Now – everyone gets the garbage from jump.  You are welcome. (and I am happier than I have been for it.)

Be honest.  Admit your flaws.  Your hang-ups.  Example? I smoked for years. You think I am gonna hide that from anyone? Nope. Why? It is a struggle for me each day.  So if you see me even consider a cigarette – slap me hard. My best friend smokes. If I asked her for cigarette, she would punch me In the face.  I love her for that.

But with any love, we must choose to be kind, to be loving, let the annoyances pass, be respectful, and supportive.  It isn’t always easy.  But it’s worth it.

1. Don’t ruin your testimony.

Have you ever seen someone face their demons? Let me tell ya, I have twice in my life. And what I have to say, is both times – I had such respect for these two people beforehand, and after – even more.  And both times, I watched both people be brutalized by Christians.  People of my faith. If I didn’t have a strong personal relationship with God – I would definitely never wanted to be part of that religion.

I challenge you to write down on a notepad – every dirty, despicable thing you have done.  Thought.  Every wish of ill will.  Every bad act.  Moments of gluttony.  Times of giving into sin.  Now, I want you to think of everyone you know – and everyone you don’t tuning into a TV channel – where someone reads every, single deed.  No one would be able to hold their heads up.

The reality is that I’ve sinned in just about every area. It pains me to say that, but it’s true. If people hear the Gospel and reject Jesus, that’s one thing. If I’m the barrier to people accepting Christ because of me and my sin, that’s a completely different deal. Fortunately, God’s much bigger than my stupidity.

So I end with this, When does your humanness get in the way of people knowing the hope, forgiveness, and love of Jesus?  Does your life make them curious about Jesus’ love, or does it make them want to run away screaming.

So, I challenge you – if you are a Christian – don’t use prayer as an excuse for inaction.  Don’t sit around and wait for God to do his thing, step out in obedience and faith. And hey, don’t think you are better than others, either. Don’t create some internal rules to differentiate your holiness while you decide others aren’t.

That’s a wrap, Jack.

So there it is.  That’s how I get through.  An amazing support system.  Being supportive.  Love.  Laughter.  Jesus. And Gratiude.

Hope it helps.

Love Fully.  Live Fully.  Shine on. 

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Of course, something stems me, and I write a blog.

I was made fun of. I cried – hard – after I saw this woman make fun of me.  She made fun of something she assumed I wrote. She made fun of my face. What affected me the most? Making fun of my face.  I’ll tell you why.  One, I am confidant in my writing and my skills.  That’s math.  Numbers don’t lie This week, my blog was read in 15 different countries, and in 41 states. This year? It was 54 countries and all 50 states. United States #1 – England #2 – Australia and New Zealand tied for #3.  Another place that my blog is read and followed a lot? Nepal.  So crazy.  

Two, I am transparent.  My Facebook page is public.  I hide nothing.  So everyone can come and see what they want to see. Of course, I use filters.  I also retouch.  I get pimples.  I get dark circles. I never hide that.  I’ve seen this woman numerous times in real life. Her profile pic is beautiful. It is also retouched.  And why in the world would you not put the best photo of yourself out there.  Be clear – I am not throwing shade.  I am saying if you like your pic filtered and it makes you feel better? Filter it!  I often say, publicly – that my makeup routine mimics that of a successful drag queen.  And I love it.  I also love my face scrubbed and clean. ? There are a ton of photos out there of me with no filters and no makeup. Again.  My Facebook page is public.  I don’t hide a thing about my appearance.

Another transparent moment? I hate the fact that I don’t have eyebrows or eyelashes.  I hate it.

But I was called ugly.  That I filter my pics.  I was told that I write on a third-grade level. The third-grade level comment didn’t phase me.  One – that is just false.  If she isn’t capable of reading it – that’s on her – but I have been published numerous times, (twice in two scientific journals), along with this blog-so that part didn’t hurt me.  That’s like telling Pavarotti he can’t sing.  You might not like it, but that does not mean that he isn’t talented.

But I am self-conscious of my face.  I have clear eyebrows and they are few.  I also do not have eyelashes.  After I had chemo, they never came back in.  So yeah, that hurt me because she literally took the one thing that I can’t do anything about – the thing that I can’t help – and made fun of me for it.  To be fair, she probably didn’t know that I had cancer.  But key point – you never know – so don’t be mean. Below is a slide show, click through. Two filtered. Rest unfiltered. All on Facebook or the blog. Scroll down though guys, there’s more.

All of this done, by a woman that I had done nothing to but been kind.  And why? Because I won’t crucify or slam someone.  I am made fun of – because I give grace.  I am made fun of – because I will not girl gang up.  There were so many other assumptions, that were completely wrong.  It was gossip.  Literally it said, “I can’t confirm” – well if you can’t confirm, you shouldn’t be speaking. If you want to know – you can email me. Call me.  I will tell you everything. And let me tell you something – it was so apparent that this woman had focused so long on my life, and trying to figure it out, it blows my mind.

And in the big scheme of things, by her being a “mean girl” – she literally helped me more than she can ever know.  The outpouring of love and support was huge. I have a great group of women that are around me and build me up every day. But this went way beyond that.  I knew that Michelle, Tamara, Rachel, Crystal, and Jenn – those girls got my back.  This was over 300 – READ THAT – 300 PEOPLE.  Over three hundred people took the time to comment, text, or dm me.  I am so grateful.  So freaking grateful.  

Unfortunately, through her selfish comments – she hurt a few people. But the ones she intended to hurt, she actually lifted. Funny how that works.

Now, lets get down to what I want to say. This woman speaks Christianity.  Offers prayers for others. She does not look like me.  She does not talk like me. She just does not.  But please do not judge a book by it’s cover.

I have bleach blonde hair.  Sometimes it has looked like a rainbow. I have tattoos.  My clothing style is just that – MY STYLE.  I like what I like and how I like it. I know people talk about the way I dress.  Talk about my hair.  Ask anyone who has ever been out with me in public, every single time, this is said, “I love your hair”,  “I wish I had the courage to do that”, or “You look like Pink!”  This past weekend, I literally had a guy run up to me, because he got excited because he thought I was.  And I love Jesus. Why? Because I have made mistakes, and I have been given grace.  I have not known how I would function the next day, and he got me up.  Jesus is the one who got me here today. Jesus is the one who has taught me radical grace, and radical non-judgement. And my number one goal, it create a life, and a story – of just that.

I promise, I will never judge you.  I will always be a shoulder to cry on.  I will call you out on your trash.  And I accept being called out on mine.  And I will grow and learn from it.  But my only request, is that people need to be more accepting. People need to be more accepting of others growing and learning from their mistakes.

It’s one thing to call people out on their crap, but once they accept it and begin to learn and grow from it – you we need to be accepting and lift them up. So right now – publicly – I am calling her out on her crap.  And at the same time, I want to lift her up.  I believe she is better than this.  Maybe she doesn’t have enough friends.  Maybe she was excited to be involved in gossip.  I don’t know.

I have all the photos of the messages. And it being Facebook, it shows the name, and the profile pic. I could post it.  I could send it to her employer. I could say this is the way this person talks about parents and people she whom she does not know.  I could cause pain and hurt in her community.  Complete shock in her community. 

But I won’t.  Why? I don’t want to ruin her testimony to others – the way she ruined her testimony to me.  I do not want her family to be hurt by my actions, the way she hurt mine.  I don’t want to ruin her reputation.  And the meanness, just would.  Six people (besides myself) – 5 who know her and one who doesn’t – has seen the messages. (Well seven, but I don’t know that person).  The five who knew her – were floored.  Floored. Michelle, the interceptor, was shocked.

So as a person who loves Jesus.

I don’t team hate.  Ever.  I listen to people.  You want to know why? I have been on the other end of mean girls over and over.  You don’t know what someone has been through.  You do not.   In the past few months – I have been called so many horrible names. Made fun of. Had my intelligence insulted. And every night, I go to bed with peace. Because I know I have loved as I am called to love, I have given as I have been called to give. I have been real. I have been factual. And I have been transparent. I have never been a victim of my own choices, I have championed all my mistakes into growth.

That doesn’t mean, that I don’t want to punch some people in the face. It doesn’t mean, that I don’t struggle with literally posting everything and I have, and say let’s go.

What that means though, is that I won’t.

Romans 12:19 says, “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”

So, today I choose happiness. I choose productivity. I choose to love people and lift them up they way they did for me. I choose love. I choose peace. And I choose prayer for those who hurt me. I added some more stuff for you to see, some texts and dm’s from some amazing people. Let’s find the positive in the negative.

And to tie in the title and image? Google that crow.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp/2016/05/27/the-oddly-sweet-story-of-a-crow-that-stole-a-knife-from-a-crime-scene/ He meddled in a murder scene.

Don’t be that guy. LOL!

Love fully. Live fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

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It’s funny, in a an absurd type of way – but it’s true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It’s the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone – well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out – I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn’t save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  ‘Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, “You really take that many pictures?”.  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn’t delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn’t realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby – and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment – I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram – and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through – I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road – God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can’t see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can’t see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo – can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them – and let’s be a little different.  Print some out – hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, “Photographs seems unimportant, until that’s all you have left.”  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1




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Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first – Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But – I am a poop magnet just didn’t seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important – so I feel that it’s important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that – it is absolutely brutal.  I’d like to say that it’s a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter – it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know – that for some time – I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma – but when you know what you are supposed to do – the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first – I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one – here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives – wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly – all of them are hard for folks – just as it would be for me.  But, here’s the kicker – I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me – LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car – but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this – “You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don’t care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn’t a problem.  It’s a hiccup.”  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care – deep down.  But guess what – I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong – I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn’t go to work, and put in a good day’s work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain – you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine – so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks – they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around – I am carrying theirs too.  So – as of yesterday – that’s all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  – It’s 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy – change my attitude – and no longer be crap magnet.

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May 2nd would have been Shaun’s 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It’s like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed – or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out – and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year – on his birthday – my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it’s a weird feeling – being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully – my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn’t mean I love him less.  It’s a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later – and says, “I need you – come on.”  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area – and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, “David is dead.”  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband’s brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don’t know how.  Finally we call – and get everyone to the house.  And by this time – my insides were completely solid.

My husband’s youngest brother – he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband – was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him – and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, “Go get a chicken and taco sauce, ”  – I am gonna be the girl who gets it don’t ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside – I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns’ birthday.  At about 10 o’clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle – our team at work was short – so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me – but I refuse to look at them.  He says, “You ok?” – and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked – but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, “Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn’t my brother – and I didn’t know him.  Don’t be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it.”  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown – I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head – and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law’s.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally – but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point – Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, “Tear Soup”, when Shaun died.  It’s a children’s book – but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away – there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This – the here and now – is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it ‘s painful.  And it will get better – but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about – there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn’t seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them – and even if you don’t tell – they know it anyway.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender.” – Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone – and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives – just like they were supposed to.

By on

Tonight my papaw passed away. And to be honest, it makes me feel all weird and conflicted. I didn’t talk to him often – I haven’t lived in the area for 15 years or so. But he was my papaw. My daddy’s dad. My roots. The man who has been my constant in this world – he is the reason he exists. And now he is gone. 

My papaw was a Christian. Is a Christian, I should say. He too, is now in a whole new body. Rejoicing with his bride. Celebrating their reunion. But we are here. Behind. Trying to feel that joy, but feeling sad for ourselves. 
I have cried more than I thought I would. He lived a long life – he buried two wives and two children. He was almost 96. His birthday was next week. We were both are virgos. I just realized that we had that in common. I don’t know why I didn’t know it sooner. That just made me smile. A little bond I just realized existed. A little present from him, I suppose. 
Papaw was always a funny man to me. He was tough. Rugged. Intimidating in a way. He had a loud voice and smelled like chewing tobacco. He always called my daddy, “Son”.  I still think that it still so sweet. 
One of my best memories of being a kid is driving to papaw’s house- just me and daddy. And it seemed like it took forever. You drive down a four lane road. To a two lane. And then one? And then a gravely road. We would park on the gravel road – walk through a field- and then you were there. And daddy would tell me stories about when he was a little boy. And I would sit on that porch- In southwest Virginia – and try to see my daddy being a kid- and papaw being a young man. 
Papaw had hogs. Cats. Dogs. Horses. Cows. And a plethora of all of them. His house was an adventure.  And he would grab any animal and show it to you. No fear. He was something else. 
I know this is rambling. I just wanted to get it all out. And thank God for making Worley Horne my papaw, and making sure he let us know he was a Christian. Thank you papaw. For being you. For giving me the memories that are woven in my mind. For making my daddy such an amazing man. And for being you. I will always love you. I always did- even when miles separated us – heaven will be our meeting place. Ill see you again one day. Kiss everyone for me. 
And, (my family will get this), I am not fat as a toad. I love you papaw. Heart and Soul. 
  • Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”