As we all know – I have been ran through the mud. I have been hurt. Angered. I have been mocked. Made fun of. All by people who really don’t know anything about me. That being said, you all have been supportive as can be. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. So here is an answer to a question I got.
The email read,
“Hey. I don’t know how you are holding up. I have watched this going on… The job. The gossip. The health issues. The kids. How are you holding up – I mean this as a question, not even a “How are you?” (I care how you are, I’m just struggling too- help me!) I’m losing my mind from the past year, myself. Any advice?”
Well first, I am holding up shocking well – now. Keyword is now. In an hour, who knows. But right now, I am doing ok. And of course. I have advice. Here’s my top ten things you should/shouldn’t do to complicate your life any futher. All written and determined of the past 10 year chaotic journey of my own. Enjoy. LOL!
10. Keep everything in Perspective.
Perspective is underrated. In each moment of our lives, things seem huge, am I right? I’m a widow – and this isn’t even widow talk. You all saw my crying “Chris Crocker” style video because my feelings got hurt. People often think that once you know real trauma -you have a gift where other things don’t phase you. Not true. I might be able to snap out of quicker, but it still hurts.
What gets me through is perspective. This woman calling me names, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought when I was enduring chemo. I wouldn’t have cared. And guess what? I choose to try my best not to now. It’s perspective. She was nonexistent to me before, really. Why care now? It’s perspective.
9. Healthy People take their Health for Granted.
And sometimes, sick people who get healthy-still take their health for granted. So, whether it be physical or mental health – take care of it. And be grateful for it. For real. If you smoke stop. IF you are overweight and sedentary – get healthy. If you struggle with your mind, get therapy. Check your heath insurance. You probably have benefits that you don’t even know about. Take advantage of it and be the best version of you that you can be. If you don’t have health insurance, there are a lot of programs out there to help you. I know it’s hard.
Let me be honest, If I ate what and how I wanted, and I didn’t exercise, I would be morbidly obese. For sure.
8. Always Choose Kindness.
I haven’t always chosen kindness. Sometimes, my words have gotten the best of me. Sometimes, I have allowed jealousy to enter into my heart with such malice. Sometimes, I have judged others to make myself feel better. But every single time I have chosen kindness, I have not been disappointed. Sure, revenge feels good – for a second. But it doesn’t for the long haul. So have some good people around you that can be a voice of reason when you are being crazy – and work towards kindness.
7. Confidence is not being well-dressed. Confidence is expressing who you really are.
We all know that my hair is my pride and joy. We all know that my fashion choices maybe a touch out the norm. But I will tell ya this, mohawk and all – I feel like I am living my best self when I am me. Fake eyelashes and all. I love animal prints – and nontraditional art. So be yourself. IF you want purple streaks and they make you feel good – get purple streaks. You wanna shave your head, shave your head. Be confident. Confidence looks good on every single person. And if you like your hair in a side part – BY ALL MEANS GET THE SIDE PART! Don’t listen to TikTok!
6. Allow yourself to be touched.
This is science. Physical touch can heal. Like I’m serious. It really can. Google it. Physical touch has healing benefits. It can increase your immune system. It can lower the blood sugar of people with Diabetes.
There are studies showing that touch signals safety and trust, it soothes. Basic warm touch calms cardiovascular stress. It activates the body’s vagus nerve, which is intimately involved with our compassionate response, and a simple touch can trigger release of oxytocin.
And think of babies – holding a baby can calm a baby. It’s physical touch. If you are single, and don’t have a partner, that’s okay. It isn’t just a couple thing. Hug your kids. Your nieces or nephews. Your friends. Or even, schedule a massage. I’m serious. It helps.
5. Gossip is Capital – Don’t be involved in that Market.
Again, I have went down that road in my past. Never ends well. But what I can say is this. If you have ever confided in me – your secrets are safe. For life. Even if you hate me now. Steel trap. And if we were friends, and don’t talk anymore – still, I got you. Don’t be one of those people who air things that were given in confidence. It is actually gross.
My therapist told me this today – and it’s freaking brilliant. She said, “When people gossip, their whole purpose to gossiping is create worth within themselves. When people gossip – they are either experiencing fear, a desire for belonging or inclusion, and a craving for intimacy and a sense of connection. If someone is gossiping, they are sad people. Looking for someone externally to give them approval.” It makes it a little easier to forgive when you think of the damage they have are feeling internally.
4. Address your problems as the arise – and complaining will not fix things.
Problems are like splinters. Might not seem like a big deal, but ignore it – and you might end up with a full body infection. Address each issue as they come up. Let me give you a real life “Kristie” example.
At one point in my adult life, I was seriously financially burdened. Medical bills, life, and everything else – was sucking me dry. I was “robbing Peter to pay Paul.” Finally, it got to the point to where I couldn’t sleep at night. I literally had to get a grip on my finances. I needed to see just how poor I was.
Had I not done that, I would not have been able to solve the problem. I would have been a slave to ignoring the mailbox, and feeling like I was going to throw up when I had to pay bills. Now my finances are top priority. I manage my money so it doesn’t manage me. I can go get the mail without a brown bag to hyperventilate in. It feels good.
And complaining, doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t fix your finances, it doesn’t fix your mood. This one, I am good at. When you want to complain, think of the opposite, and choose gratitude. Turn, “I’m starving” into, “I can’t wait to get to Publix for $5.00 Sushi night!”
Acceptance is the first step to freedom. If you are in denial about your present circumstance, you will be locked in a cycle of misery. Once you accept things as they are and you find that you don’t like what you see, you can take the next step to change things for the better.
3. It’s not all about you.
We are the center of our own worlds, of course. But what if you actually flip that switch for five minutes a day. Take your kids or partner for example… Instead of “What do I have to do today?”, try “What do we need to do today, and maybe I can help you achieve your goal.”
Pay attention to the actions and behaviors of others in your life. Look at the context clues. Are they sad? Scared? Being bullied, maybe? It’s normal to be intensely aware as to what is going on in your life, just be mindful, that others are around you also.
2. Love is more than a feeling. It’s a choice.
Everyone wants to be in love, right? Falling in love is mad easy. Staying in love – not so easy. I recommend before entering any relationships – be honest. Don’t change who you are – because overtime – you will change. I am not the same person now that I was at 20. So, if I “fake it” at 20 – end up married to be someone’s ideal – naturally change as they do – BOOM. Problems. And fun facts, this goes for friendships, too. For a long time, I wanted to morph to be what I thought people wanted. I am a people pleaser. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked. Now – everyone gets the garbage from jump. You are welcome. (and I am happier than I have been for it.)
Be honest. Admit your flaws. Your hang-ups. Example? I smoked for years. You think I am gonna hide that from anyone? Nope. Why? It is a struggle for me each day. So if you see me even consider a cigarette – slap me hard. My best friend smokes. If I asked her for cigarette, she would punch me In the face. I love her for that.
But with any love, we must choose to be kind, to be loving, let the annoyances pass, be respectful, and supportive. It isn’t always easy. But it’s worth it.
1. Don’t ruin your testimony.
Have you ever seen someone face their demons? Let me tell ya, I have twice in my life. And what I have to say, is both times – I had such respect for these two people beforehand, and after – even more. And both times, I watched both people be brutalized by Christians. People of my faith. If I didn’t have a strong personal relationship with God – I would definitely never wanted to be part of that religion.
I challenge you to write down on a notepad – every dirty, despicable thing you have done. Thought. Every wish of ill will. Every bad act. Moments of gluttony. Times of giving into sin. Now, I want you to think of everyone you know – and everyone you don’t tuning into a TV channel – where someone reads every, single deed. No one would be able to hold their heads up.
The reality is that I’ve sinned in just about every area. It pains me to say that, but it’s true. If people hear the Gospel and reject Jesus, that’s one thing. If I’m the barrier to people accepting Christ because of me and my sin, that’s a completely different deal. Fortunately, God’s much bigger than my stupidity.
So I end with this, When does your humanness get in the way of people knowing the hope, forgiveness, and love of Jesus? Does your life make them curious about Jesus’ love, or does it make them want to run away screaming.
So, I challenge you – if you are a Christian – don’t use prayer as an excuse for inaction. Don’t sit around and wait for God to do his thing, step out in obedience and faith. And hey, don’t think you are better than others, either. Don’t create some internal rules to differentiate your holiness while you decide others aren’t.
That’s a wrap, Jack.
So there it is. That’s how I get through. An amazing support system. Being supportive. Love. Laughter. Jesus. And Gratiude.
Hope it helps.
Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.