So, I get quite a few messages asking me questions. So, I figured, I’d come through and answer some of them for you!

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Brene’ Brown. I love her work. I think she’s hilarious. And it would be great conversation!

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? I mean, maybe – but if so – rarely. Like maybe if I am calling a business or something? But still – probably not.

What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? I don’t know what a perfect day would look like. It would need to be with the people I love, and also productive. So either doing something that I could check off my bucketlist or being with those I love. So I guess, all my days are perfect days, at least in one way or another.

Are you afraid of dying? Since you have been through it? Well, I haven’t been through it – because I am here. I have experienced loss just like everyone else. But am I afraid of dying? Yes and no. I am not afraid of what it means to die. Like I know that I will go to heaven, and live with Christ. But I am so happy in my life right now, I am afraid of dying and not getting to experience my future. And, I am also afraid of how I could die, in a way. Like, I don’t want it to hurt. But, I think that’s pretty common.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful? This is going to sound so hokey – but right now – everything. I keep telling you people. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life right now. Ever. In my life. For real. So, I am grateful for love. And isn’t it crazy, that in this crappy year of 2020 – I am still the happiest I have ever been? I know. Amazing.

Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Yes. I want to zipline in Costa Rica. I want to dance in Greece. Both require money and passports. Passport is in process – money, well – it’s in process too. Give me time. LOL!

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? I’m not going to say kids, because I don’t see my kids as an accomplishment – they have accomplished their own selves. Well, Jacoby is in process… LOL. But, maybe this blog? I don’t know. I am proud of everything I accomplish. From making dinner, to putting a smile on someone’s face. I cherish them all. So, I really can’t pick one.

What do you value most in a friendship? Honesty. Realness. Loyalty. Communication. Courage.

What roles do love and affection play in your life? Roles? I don’t know what that means, exactly. But it’s super important.

Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? Yes. I really do. I know that it is something to be grateful over. My life was made up of riding in wheelbarrows, running through the grass, building snowmen, waiting for the ice cream truck. My mom was a stay at home mom, and my dad was the breadwinner. They were both active in everything we did. I was loved. Cared for. And to this day – I speak to my parents almost every single day. I have stressed my parents out – I know it and I wish I hadn’t. But my goodness – they are the best ever and I am so grateful.

So. Now you know a little more about me! I hope you enjoyed it!

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On.

Sat Nam.

I forgot.

I didn’t forget, exactly. But I hadn’t been dreading and doing the countdown. You know, the countdown to the day. It slapped me this morning. Super hard. In the face. I felt guilty.

Nine years ago today I found my husband dead in the bathroom floor. I tried to do CPR. He had been gone awhile. It was fruitless.

I called 9-1-1. They were there so fast. I did everything the operator told me to do. I knew it would be okay. It wasn’t. When the paramedics only worked for 2 minutes, I knew. When he stayed in the floor, I knew. When they didn’t run out the door. I knew. And then a cop, came to me, while sitting on the stairs, and told me officially. I’m pretty sure I just stared blankly at him. Because, I already knew somehow.

I looked up and saw my oldest son, who is now almost 21, holding his baby brother and rocking him. I looked at the pictures on the wall. The grass in the front that needed to be mowed. And I walked outside. My mind went directly to tasking. So, I called my best friends, and told them that Shaun had died. Just like that. I called into work and left a voicemail stating that I wouldn’t be in because my husband had died. And then I sat. For hours.

I remember watching the cars drive by. And thinking. How are they going to the store? My husband died and is laying in the house waiting on the coroner. And that is the day I changed. I completely changed. I might not have known it then. But I did.

That’s the day, I realized that life is fleeting. That is the day, My oldest son became a man, at the ripe old age of twelve. That’s the day, I think I began to learn forgiveness. Because without forgiveness, we wouldn’t have the relationship with God to make it possible to live in this world. Without forgiveness, we wouldn’t be able to move on. Without forgiveness, we would be nothing.

2020 has been wrecked. Shaun is probably laughing in heaven, saying, “I got lucky, guys.” But think about this. There has been so much name calling, hateful speak, sarcastic comments, and ugly actions by so many people – what would it look like if we just were kind to one another. What would it look like if we respected others opinions without name calling? What would it look like?

What would it look like if you took the time to forgive those that hurt you? What would it look like, if you tried to understand the why behind their actions, rather than the action? What would it look like, if you didn’t take everything personally, and realized that albeit we feel the world revolves around us – its a lot better when we are kind.

I don’t think that I mourn the loss of Shaun anymore, exactly. I know he is better off than any of us, and is having the time of his life. I more celebrate him, that mourn him. He would hate mourning, too. He would think it was so extra and irritating. So in that faith, I am not sad about that. I mourn the trauma. The fear. I feel bad for that girl nine years ago. I feel bad for my kids and having to deal with that. No one should endure that. No one. Albeit, I know it happens all the time.

Big things have happened in my life in the past couple of years. I have had friends completely walk out. Some should have, some – well, I still don’t get it. I have been hurt, and I have caused hurt. I have been damaged and I have damaged. So, today – If i have hurt you, I am so sorry. And if you have hurt me, you are forgiven. Life is too short, and it can be taken away in an instant.

And for those of you who want to know, I am so happy in my life right now. Possibly, the happiest I have ever been. And to my fellow widows and widowers, you can get here, too. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love the person who died, it doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means, that you are living. It means that you have a capacity for love that grows and grows. And for me? It means, to cherish everything. And realize that life is short. Don’t spend it spouting hate, being sad, feeling hurt, or down. Spend it – hugging, kissing, laughing, and doing the things that bring you joy. I didn’t get here overnight, and alot of mistakes were made along the way. But hey, I got here.

I’m not saying life is a cakewalk. I am saying, Life is amazing. Love is amazing. Don’t miss out on the good stuff.

Love fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

Where my boy moms at?

Guys. I’m praying for you.

As you may already know, I have three beautiful children on this planet. The youngest of which, is Jacoby. Let me tell you about Jacoby. He’s 10. He’s wild. He’s full of energy. And sass. Jacoby is one of the sweetest most loving people I have ever met. And he is definitely the hardest of my three to parent.

Our word of the quarantine is “boundaries”. Why boundaries, you ask? Because this little guy doesn’t know any.

He’s ten, and this little guy will walk into my bedroom like he owns it. He gets grounded from YouTube (yes, I grounded him from YouTube) – and I catch him watching it. I ask him why he was watching it when he knew he was grounded? “Because I was bored.” He is remorseful. He tells the truth when he is wrong. But in the moment – this kid does what he wants to do. And it’s maddening. It’s brutal. It makes me want to pull my hair out from the literal root.

I have yelled. Cried. Screamed. Prayed. Phoned a friend. And did it all again. And again.

I have now enlisted a checklist for him. What his expectations are morning, midday, and evening. We talk about personal space. We talk about earning privileges. We talk about what it means to have to wait. We talk about the law, the speed limit, rules, and why they exist. We talk about being a good human. And, exactly how that looks.

And, he seems to like the structure. Knowing what is expected. I actually took photos of his room – clean – and laminated them. So he can have a visual as to what it means. And I also added three times of exercise. No just playing outside. Intentional exercise.

We talked about him being an adult. Being a father. A husband. How he would have to take care of other people like mommy takes care of him. That you have to understand the biggest gift you can give is your respect and being trustworthy. Then, all things will fall into place.

So, do you struggle with this whole “I am a mom, teacher, breadwinner, care-taker, disciplinarian, and please don’t let my child turn into a felonious nightmare…. ” all while maintaining a good hair style, make-up on , clean house, etc. It can be a lot. But let me tell you – when I kiss that little guy good night, he is worth every single grey hair on my head. I mean, that’s what bleach is for , right?

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On.

Sat Nam.