*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*
I hope this helps someone today.
Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  
And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes – I just admitted – I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.
It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them – with no level of expectation back? 
Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  
Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them – because without them – I’d probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let’s be honest – our feelings aren’t facts.



So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this – I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered – I realized that there are just a few “things” that I really need. Here they are – in order. 
1. Clothes 
2. Flat iron 
3. Makeup
4. Internet 
5. Phone
6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It’s worth the extra twenty bucks.)
I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 
But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs – Curtiss moved it. 
And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there – and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 
But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But – how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 
I know these thoughts are all random – but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 
There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can’t do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that’s what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?
So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight.