Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday. Not good, but I can breathe out my nose. So, I am gonna consider that a day of progress. I miss my husband. We did everything together, and I know I said it before, but he was the “peanut” to my “butter”. I was clingy. Needy. And he loved it. He loved that I loved doing everything with him, and I loved that he loved doing everything with me. That was one of our definitions of love – immersion. So, since the day he died, I have been clinging to every memory. Making sure that I jot down memories as I get them. Listening to his songs, watching his videos, replaying voicemails – anything so I can remember – and still feel him beside me. I have prayed. Listened to sermons. Read my Bible – Shaun did those things, too. Trying to learn, to feel the way he did – and realized in the whole process that God was giving me a peace about everything. Not just Shaun’s passing, but decisions in my past, mistakes I made – because I know I am forgiven. (If you need a definition of this, read the below post, aka – The “f” bomb).
But here we go, here is my epiphany of the day. I went from being clingy to Shaun, to being clingy to his memories, to being clingy to his lifestyle, to being clingy to God. Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of that. But Shaun and I held onto each other… During all this, where I thought I was being clingy to God – He was giving me the desire, he was clinging onto me, so I wouldn’t fall. He loves me more than Shaun and I ever loved each other. And that, is one amazing feeling – I can’t imagine someone loving me more than Shaun. But God does… and he can cling to me anytime – because without him, I could do nothing. With him – everything is possible.
Amen and Amen
LikeLike