Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  Not good, but I can breathe out my nose.  So, I am gonna consider that a day of progress.  I miss my husband.  We did everything together, and I know I said it before, but he was the “peanut” to my “butter”.  I was clingy.  Needy.  And he loved it.  He loved that I loved doing everything with him, and I loved that he loved doing everything with me.  That was one of our definitions of love – immersion.  So, since the day he died, I have been clinging to every memory.  Making sure that I jot down memories as I get them.  Listening to his songs, watching his videos, replaying voicemails – anything so I can remember – and still feel him beside me.  I have prayed.  Listened to sermons.  Read my Bible – Shaun did those things, too.  Trying to learn, to feel the way he did – and realized in the whole process that God was giving me a peace about everything.  Not just Shaun’s passing, but decisions in my past, mistakes I made – because I know I am forgiven.  (If you need a definition of this, read the below post, aka – The “f” bomb).
But here we go, here is my epiphany of the day.  I went from being clingy to Shaun, to being clingy to his memories, to being clingy to his lifestyle, to being clingy to God.  Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of that.  But Shaun and I held onto each other… During all this, where I thought I was being clingy to God  –  He was giving me the desire, he was clinging onto me, so I wouldn’t fall.  He loves me more than Shaun and I ever loved each other.  And that, is one amazing feeling – I can’t imagine someone loving me more than Shaun.  But God does… and he can cling to me anytime – because without him, I could do nothing.  With him – everything is possible.