I am not ready, I’ll keep my wax lips.

I am not ready to be normal – or anything close to it.  I can’t walk around with a smile all the time.  When I am at work, I often feel like I have those big wax lips on.  You know the ones I’m talking about?  Like a creepy smile, and you could bite a thing on the inside?  I feel like when I smile it has to look creepy and strained – at least a lot of the times.  I realized something today – at about 2:30pm.  I am never going to have a normal holiday again.  When Shaun died, it was June 23rd – so yes, I have already been through 4th of July – but that day didn’t even register.  What hit me today, is that Jacoby is 17 months old.  So from about 2:50pm, on – It was all I could do not to bust out in tears at my desk.  Shaun got excited for Jacoby’s “month birthdays”.  That made me think about all of them.  Here are the list of days that I know that are going to stink.
September 9 – my birthday
September 12 – the day we met/Natalie’s birthday
Anytime the Ravens win a football game/Anytime the Eagles win a football game
November 5 – Our Wedding Anniversary
Black Friday
New Years
Profit Sharing
Tax time
Jacoby’s birthday
Isabellas birthday
Tariq’s birthday
Shaun’s birthday
Mother’s day
Father’s day
And well, that just to name the ones that popped into my head.  Imagine how many more there are going to be.  And what I am so torn about, is that all of these days are supposed to be happy/fun times.  Everyone of these holidays I am always going to be sad.  And I know, I know – it will get better in time.  Whatever.  It is still going to be there.  Last Black Friday, Shaun and I drove around Kingsport, TN all hours of the morning so excited to get presents for the kids for Christmas.  There goes that.  And even if I go with someone – I will always think of him.  Always.  And I don’t want to be the sad mom who makes every holiday horrible – I don’t.  But how do you celebrate and act excited when you are so sad. Maybe I will figure it out with time.  All I can do now is pray for peace, and just to get through.  I never knew you could miss someone this much.  I really didn’t. I think I am having a bit of a pity party for myself this evening.  The rain isn’t helping either.  Outside it looks like I feel on the inside.
And on a side note – We saw a turtle in the road.  I had to stop and get it out of the road.  Shaun always did.  And I hate turtles or any type of reptiles/ amphibians – that was for you baby.

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