An emotional wreck today…

Okay, so here’s something I have learned.  And I am going to be candid here.  And if I am giving too much information – well, that’s how I roll.  So, here it is.  Ready?  A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment – can spin me out of control.  Into a raging, emotional basket case.  When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, “Baby, you are being nuts.  Relax.”  Or, “Baby, you are completely right!  Just show them how right you are!”  Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift.  It’s about more than I could tolerate today.  So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts.  I cried my whole drive home.  Not just the normal cry – the straight up ugly cry.  The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe – you shouldn’t drive, because your tears are making the road blurry.  Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos.  I get home, cry a little.  Decide to go the tanning bed – UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up!  I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed.  Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are?  (Just for the record, that didn’t happen – so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is.  I am heart broken.  Still.  Guessing I always will be.  Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me.  Not the big ones – I had already thought of those.  But some little ones – things he did that he probably didn’t even notice either.  He made me excruciatingly happy.  We made each other excruciatingly happy.  I thought that was it.  I learned this today, too.  He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous.  He taught me to express myself with no regrets.  To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it.  I am learning to be a single mom.  And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use – to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It’s strange.  It’s a new chapter in my life.  A chapter I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – but nonetheless, it’s a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending.  There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine.  And I can’t crumble and fall now.  I am his legacy now.  I can’t let him down, after all.

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