What an ugly word. It kinda looks like the word window if you just glance. And, I suppose, that could be completely appropriate. When you are a widow you wear your emotions on your sleeve, and everyone can see directly inside your heart – at least it feels that way. But today I took a big step for me – and I changed my Facebook relationship status to “widowed”. I know that is what I am – what I have been. But it was huge for me to change my status to that. You know, I love Facebook. I’m addicted – but it does put your life on display. I have struggled with that for a while. I know Shaun would say, “Babe, are you serious? You are widowed. It’s just Facebook. Change it – it’s not that important.” But for me, it was like I was accepting he was gone. Because once I changed it – I can’t undo it. I didn’t want anyone to judge me and say – “Oh, she’s over it now. She’s moved on – that’s good.” Because understand this – I will never be over him. Never. We didn’t choose to be separated. We weren’t fighting. We didn’t get a divorce. We were ripped apart. We neither had a choice in the matter.
But, I do accept it. I do realize that I am a widow. As much as I wish I could – I can’t bring him back. But by the grace of God – I will see him again. But I have to live as me. I will mourn and miss him everyday – but I have to take my life into my control again. I am a widow, yes. But I am a lot more. I am mother to three amazing children who need me strong. I am an employee. I am friend. I am a daughter and sister. And that’s just to name a few. I wish there was a Facebook relationship status that said, “Lost time on earth with her husband, but by Jesus Christ – still has eternity.” Albeit, a bit wordy – but much more accurate. I hadn’t blogged much lately – because I felt like I had put too much out there to scrutinize. But I feel like this one is mega important. I hope you all understand – and yet again, I am blogging in tears. But these are happy/sad tears. I guess you would call them bipolar tears. And Shaun Greenberg – you will always be loved more than you could ever know. I hope you know just how much. And know that we all miss you and talk about you all the time. And I still kiss you goodnight every night.