Blessed everyday.

I still think of Shaun everyday.  Every hour.  Sometimes, it’s just a memory that makes me smile.  And sometimes – I just cry.  But, I do have a ton of beautiful memories.  God works in mysterious ways, though.  That I am sure.  Last night, I went to a charity basketball game – Ravens vs. Redskins.  And I had a blast – but I got to say-I had a lump in my throat all evening – just knowing how excited Shaun would be.  And I know the beauty that he is experiencing in heaven doesn’t compare to a Ravens game – but still.  I wish he could have seen it.  I wish he was still here.  I wish I had asked him all the things I wanted to.  But what shocks and amazes me is this – he’s still here.  He’s still around.  I see him everywhere.  (And no, not in a creepy ghosthunters way.)

I saw him in the eyes of my friend Reza – last night at the game.  He hugged me and it’s a hug that knows your heart.  He knew I was hurting but happy.  It was in the sweet words of the man at WAWA this morning.  The kisses from my kids this afternoon.  And although I cry while I write this – my heart is full of joy.  And that’s a difficult place to be.  Makes you feel a little bipolar, I guess.  God has carried me through this – I can’t even begin to explain that.  But my heart is happy.  I will always love Shaun – that will never change.  At times, I guess I love him more than I did when he was here.  But that doesn’t mean to be miserable.  I can love him, miss him, and still be happy.  I have so many reasons to be happy.  I rejoice in the fact that Shaun is in Jesus’s arms.  A beautiful place to be.  I rejoice in the fact that I will get to be there too.  I rejoice in the fact that my life is in line.  And I am making it.  And i am grateful.  I am peaceful.  And my heart if full.

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