Almost a year….

It is insane how slowly and quickly time goes by. I sit here and I think of all that has transpired over the past year, and it doesn’t seem possible. First, it still seems surreal that Shaun is gone. I can’t believe it. I can still hear his laugh, see his quirky and crooked smile. I still remember what it feels like to kiss his forehead. And for that I will always be thankful. And I make myself remember it each day. I don’t ever want to forget. But, I have also learned to be joyous in his death. This past week has been heavy for me. That’s the only way that I know to describe it. It has felt like a huge weight in my chest – sometimes making it hard to breathe. And I realized that I was wracked full of guilt. And I know – I know – believe me – that I couldn’t have prevented his death – but part of me wondered. You know what I mean, the heart part – not the head part. My head knew there was nothing – but my heart, well that’s a different story. And then, yet again – I had one of those occurrences. And it’s too weird to get into on this blog, but it changed me. It helped me. And I know, there was nothing I could have done. And I know he’s happy. And I know that he will be there waiting on me when it’s my time. But I also know he wants me to be happy, and to live. He wants me to finish what he started. He wants me to change the world one person at a time. He wants me to dream my biggest dream, and do it. And, I know he always has my back. He loved his creator so much – and he is happy to be with him. I still dread June 23rd – don’t get me wrong – but for totally selfish reasons. But I am blessed – my love for Shaun is real. And it still goes on. Just in a different way. Always will. I want to live a long time – cause I have a lot to do – and I know he will be waiting with open arms when I get there.

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