It’s been awhile….And for that I am thankful.

It’s been awhile since I posted…. and to be honest – I just haven’t had a whole lot to say.  And I am not gonna lie….The song by Staind is where this title came from.  It has been awhile – for a whole lot of things.

By purusing blogs like I do, I have learned a lot.  One is a statistic – and being of the scientific background that I am, I love statistics.  But being a widow at the age of 33 occurs in less than 1% of the population.  Go figure.  I am one to defy all odds.

In the timeframe that he’s been gone I have done a whole lot.  I have dwelled upon his death.  I tried to understand it.  I have written extensively about him – just to try to understand.  I have had hours of counseling.  I’ve renewed my spirit through friendships.  I found someone that I adore and love.  I have grieved in ways I didn’t even know that were possible.

Dr. Phil said it takes a defining moment  to make a profound change to occur once you reach adulthood.  Shaun’s death was that event.  And I am forever changed.  But I have to say this, and I don’t want it to come across crass, but it’s true.  I am a better person for it.  I am thankful, appreciative, calmer.  I don’t anger as easy.  I make sure that my loved ones know they are loved.  I hug a little longer, kiss more, and try to listen with an open mind.  I cherish life a lot more, and worry a lot less. No one will live on this earth without loss – It’s just how you cope with it.

I am not the same Kristie I was before Shaun died.  But, I do believe that I am done with grieving.  I will now cherish the memories with a smile.  Sure, there will be times I cry.  But I want to make those tears of happiness.  Gratefulness.  Because he touched my life in ways that will never go away.  We have a beautiful child , and that alone, is something that I cannot ever thank him enough for.  Although he makes me nuts sometimes, he is one amazing kid.

When Shaun died, my world crumbled.  The whole world felt alien and hostile.  I had a dream where I was in a house with dark wood paneling, and he couldn’t speak.  All he did was hold me with tears in his eyes… It was almost like an apology.  I was haunted by that dream for a long time.  But now, I have a future that makes me smile.  I look forward to the future, and all the possibilities that it brings.  I have rebuilt my life – and it doesn’t exclude Shaun, but it puts him in a place of happiness – not one of pain.

Shaun would be happy where I am at.  I haven’t died.  My children need me.  I need them.  I need Scott.  Losing him taught me that nothing is definitely safe.  So love and be loved.  I am thankful to experience every sensation that I have.  Love, pain, sadness, annoyance – you name it… It all means that I am alive.

My foundation is strong.  I am strong.

And this all came from reflecting on our son’s 3rd Birthday.  So, Happy Birthday Jacoby.  You are the sweetest three year old on this planet.  Daddy is your angel up in heaven… and you are my angel here on earth (along with your brother, sister and Scott).

We have eternity – so let’s enjoy today.

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