Tag: anger

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Well, I guess I feel like owe you an explanation for last night’s video.  It was surrender and defeat.  That’s it.  That sums it up.   Today, though – is a new day.  And who knows?  I might be crying on Facebook later.  But hopefully, I won’t. 

You wanna know what is different this morning compared to last night?  Well, I can tell you what is the same.  My kid is still trying me. Well, in his defense he is still asleep – but you get what I am saying.  My bills are still ever present.  Health issues – exact same.  The difference is my mindset, for now.  That being said – that can change, too.  But hopefully, today – I kill it. 

I got a lot of direct messages last night, and some comments that you all can see.  And my whole goal in that video was just to let one person know they aren’t alone.  Because, tbh, scrolling facebook – I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.  Especially the day after Easter.  I saw the beautiful families in beautiful matching clothes.  Having beautiful family dinners.  And don’t get my lying – I even saw my own family having a beautiful dinner in Tennessee – but I can’t afford to travel home every holiday and I live a million miles away – and I chose that.   It made me happy but also jealous.  And yes – I don’t care what anyone says – you can have both emotions.  My therapist said so.  LOL!
And then, I looked at my own page.  And guess what I saw.  A beautiful family.  Having a beautiful family brunch.  And based upon my scrolling – we looked absolutely perfect and picturesque.  On the outside, it looks like we are happy, and killing it.  And we are happy.  And we are killing it.  But, here’s the freaking truth.  We struggle.    I struggle as a mom.  I question if I am a good one.  I have guilt when I just want to sit alone.  That guilt comes from me working. But I have to work, to keep a roof over their head…  I could go on and on with that alone.
I struggle financially.  I am a one income household and I got three kids.  To anyone with kids – nuff said, right?  At times, I wonder if I will ever be financially sound.  If I will ever not have that worry of money.  Today, with the sun out and shining down – I know that this is just a moment – and it will get better. 

I struggle with myself worth.  I struggle with admitting what my dreams are.  I struggle with the fear of people making fun of me, if I tell them what my dreams are.  And for those people who say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” – LIAR!  LOL!  We are biologically designed to care what other think.  But I want to write and speak.  I want to let people understand how valued they are.  I want to help.  I want to change the world.

I also want to be healthy.  I want to travel.  I want to be married one day – madly in love with my guy.  I want romance.  I want to make it a full day without crying.  Or worrying.  Or questioning myself. 

I say all this to just say.  I feel you.  It isn’t easy.  So here is what this woman lies about. 
My lies: I’m fine.  Everything is great.  And sometimes, that is just false.  Not always – but sometimes.  Sometimes, I just want to cry and say “Today is freaking crap – My kid is being a jerk – I feel alone and overwhelmed – I’m sick of being sick… etc.”  But I don’t say it.  But now, I am gonna start.  Because guess what ?  My tribe, my closest, my people – all said – “You can tell me anything.  I understand.  I’m here.  What do you need.”  Also they said, “I feel that way too sometimes.  It’s a season.  We will get through this.  You are doing amazing.”  It helps.  Telling people helps.  Telling you helped.  Writing this helped.  (And just so you know, I didn’t fake cry in that pic.  That’s real tears, that I sent to my friend, because they were leaving.  Those were real tears. LOL!)

It’s okay to be vulnerable and have fears.  You know what makes it even better? It’s when you are brave enough to admit it to yourself, and your loved ones.  Because then, you start to see a shift. 
So, thanks guys – for everything last night and today.  Who knows.   Maybe this is the start of something amazing. 

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******Disclaimer – this didn’t happen today.  I wrote this a few days back… Just wasn’t sure if I wanted to publish it or not – because it makes me look quite damaged.  LOL!******

So, today – I have experienced rage to the Nth degree.  And, as I drove home – with my temper flaming, I realized something…. So here we go.

Picture it.  Meeting a few people for the first time.  A friends of one of my best friends.  I’m kinda nervous.  I am going into a place where I know very few people.  But – I’m friendly, right?  OF COURSE!  That’s my thing.  My mom says, me and my dad have never met a stranger.   And that’s true.  I get there, and everything was great!  I met everyone, thought everyone was so nice, so friendly.  Everyone was easy to talk to.  I left with a smile on my face, thinking it was a good time.

And then, BOOM!  One of the people there, a female, said she got a “bad vibe” from me.  WHAT!?  I mean…… WHAT!?  We talked.  We laughed.  We ate.  I helped her carry her packages.  She told me about her trip and hometown.  I mean, the chances of me seeing this person again – Is close to zero.

But when I heard this – it wrecked me.  And I use the term wrecked – because that’s the best way I can describe it.   I felt myself bow up.  I felt the wind leave my lungs.  I was ready to fight.  I have not felt that way in years.  Let me rephrase that, decades.  And there it was.  Fighting, blind rage.  I felt like I could punch my fist through a wall.  And to be honest – my heart rate is still a little high.

So, I am driving home from work, listening to Pink(Because that’s my ‘go to’ rage music), an trying to figure out what kind of ‘vibe’ – I could have possibly been giving.  And then it hit me, right around track 7, that it’s not me – it’s her.  I was fine, happy, and myself.  And if she doesn’t like that – that’s cool.  I began to feel myself calm somewhat.  I’m not gonna lie – not a lot – but somewhat.

Which then led me to think about, why did I react the way I did?  How did the girl with bad self-esteem, anger issues, and insecurity resurrect herself by one phrase.  I mean, I thought that hot mess was long gone.  And by a person that I met for 2 hours – and will probably never see again?  Crazy, right?  I know.  Add that to my list of things I need to work on.

But here is the difference between 10 years ago and now.  Within one hour, I recognized it’s not worth  my emotion.  Any of it.  That being said, it still hurt me.  It’s stupid, I know.  But I am just being honest.   I truly believe that energy is completely contagious.  You are gonna catch what’s around you – positive and negative.  So watch what you put out there.  It just might really hurt someone more than you know.

And I hope, one day, this lady stumbles across the blog.  And maybe she will know it was her – maybe not.  But consider the things you say – and if it isn’t positive or constructive – think before you speak.  Until that day… Thanks for giving me an awesome blogpost and giving me some awesome creativity fuel.  I recognize I am still a work in progress.  But I like myself.  Each day – I wake up and look in the mirror, and I smile back at myself.