The Crap that I Lie about.

Well, I guess I feel like owe you an explanation for last night’s video.  It was surrender and defeat.  That’s it.  That sums it up.   Today, though – is a new day.  And who knows?  I might be crying on Facebook later.  But hopefully, I won’t. 

You wanna know what is different this morning compared to last night?  Well, I can tell you what is the same.  My kid is still trying me. Well, in his defense he is still asleep – but you get what I am saying.  My bills are still ever present.  Health issues – exact same.  The difference is my mindset, for now.  That being said – that can change, too.  But hopefully, today – I kill it. 

I got a lot of direct messages last night, and some comments that you all can see.  And my whole goal in that video was just to let one person know they aren’t alone.  Because, tbh, scrolling facebook – I felt like the biggest loser on the planet.  Especially the day after Easter.  I saw the beautiful families in beautiful matching clothes.  Having beautiful family dinners.  And don’t get my lying – I even saw my own family having a beautiful dinner in Tennessee – but I can’t afford to travel home every holiday and I live a million miles away – and I chose that.   It made me happy but also jealous.  And yes – I don’t care what anyone says – you can have both emotions.  My therapist said so.  LOL!
And then, I looked at my own page.  And guess what I saw.  A beautiful family.  Having a beautiful family brunch.  And based upon my scrolling – we looked absolutely perfect and picturesque.  On the outside, it looks like we are happy, and killing it.  And we are happy.  And we are killing it.  But, here’s the freaking truth.  We struggle.    I struggle as a mom.  I question if I am a good one.  I have guilt when I just want to sit alone.  That guilt comes from me working. But I have to work, to keep a roof over their head…  I could go on and on with that alone.
I struggle financially.  I am a one income household and I got three kids.  To anyone with kids – nuff said, right?  At times, I wonder if I will ever be financially sound.  If I will ever not have that worry of money.  Today, with the sun out and shining down – I know that this is just a moment – and it will get better. 

I struggle with myself worth.  I struggle with admitting what my dreams are.  I struggle with the fear of people making fun of me, if I tell them what my dreams are.  And for those people who say, “I don’t care what anyone thinks” – LIAR!  LOL!  We are biologically designed to care what other think.  But I want to write and speak.  I want to let people understand how valued they are.  I want to help.  I want to change the world.

I also want to be healthy.  I want to travel.  I want to be married one day – madly in love with my guy.  I want romance.  I want to make it a full day without crying.  Or worrying.  Or questioning myself. 

I say all this to just say.  I feel you.  It isn’t easy.  So here is what this woman lies about. 
My lies: I’m fine.  Everything is great.  And sometimes, that is just false.  Not always – but sometimes.  Sometimes, I just want to cry and say “Today is freaking crap – My kid is being a jerk – I feel alone and overwhelmed – I’m sick of being sick… etc.”  But I don’t say it.  But now, I am gonna start.  Because guess what ?  My tribe, my closest, my people – all said – “You can tell me anything.  I understand.  I’m here.  What do you need.”  Also they said, “I feel that way too sometimes.  It’s a season.  We will get through this.  You are doing amazing.”  It helps.  Telling people helps.  Telling you helped.  Writing this helped.  (And just so you know, I didn’t fake cry in that pic.  That’s real tears, that I sent to my friend, because they were leaving.  Those were real tears. LOL!)

It’s okay to be vulnerable and have fears.  You know what makes it even better? It’s when you are brave enough to admit it to yourself, and your loved ones.  Because then, you start to see a shift. 
So, thanks guys – for everything last night and today.  Who knows.   Maybe this is the start of something amazing. 

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