I mean, let’s be honest – I didn’t really go anywhere. I was here. In Orlando. Maybe at work, maybe at home. But yeah, if you look at my Instagram or my Facebook, I took a small step out of the social media world for a bit. I mean, don’t get it twisted, I would scroll. I would see your sweet pics, funny memes, etc . But I needed to take a step back from putting myself out there.

Why? I think, I struggle with self love – a lot. And to be honest, I was using my social media to look for it (self love) in the outside world. I mean let’s be honest. We put the best pics out there. Stand in the “right” pose. (When you all see me on social – you are seeing the best me. I don’t get any better than that. LOL! That’s it – that’s the top of the Kristie line. ) I digress – you can’ t find self love in the outside world, now can you? That’s quite the oxymoron. For some strange reason, I want to present myself as if I am completely put together. And even if I vent, I want it to look the right way. And why? Imma tell you in a second.

But I’ll tell you something else. I struggled with jealousy. I really did. When I would see, in my perception, the perfect family – perfect clothes – perfect kids – perfect cars – perfect vacations. They seem financially set. Spiritually grounded. I really would let my inner voice beat me up. The things and insults I would hurl at myself – well, I wouldn’t say it to my worst enemy. It took an unexpected mentor to say to me – “Baby, you are that to other people. They see you as the perfect one. Always postive. Always coiffed. Always, always, always.” And she was right. And that’s when I thought – step back and do some serious soul searching, girl.

Here is what I realized. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay not to post that you are a mess. It’s okay to post that you are. It’s fine – and you owe no one anything. We don’t have to prove ourselves to each other, and feeling like you do? Well, that was my ego talking. My ego wanting to be stroked. My ego saying, tell me I am good. Tell me I am pretty. Give me value.

Then that moment where I realize, I am valued. By so many people. And it isn’t because of social media. It’s a little boy climbing up in my bed and saying, “Good morning, mommy”. It’s my daughter, asking me to come by her job so she can introduce me to her work friends. It’s my oldest son, leaving me a note that says “I love and appreciate you.” It’s grabbing my hand and the car. Kissing my head. That being said, I had to punish the same little boy for talking back. My daughter crying and screaming because she had a blowout. My oldest son being blatantly hateful – because he needs a nap. But even then, I am valued. Even in the dark moments. I am being a good mom by punishing my son for being sassy. My daughter, albeit she gave me a heart attack, she called me to rescue her. To tell her what to do. And my oldest? He walked up to me later and apologized, and said he was beat. All on his own. So with each good there’s bad – and it’s that way for everyone.

So, I will keep posting. I will keep writing. It might get read, it might not. It might be liked. It might not. My hope is this. That I will become more aware of myself, more grateful, less critical, more loving, and more accepting. That when I see something that makes me feel jealous? Well, in that moment, I am going to take an inventory of my blessings. I am going to pray that my heart loves more. That I care more.

And hey, you wanna know what I have figured out? There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m worthy, I matter, I’m significant, because I exist. Not because of anything I have accomplished. I am not less worthy because of anything that has been done to me or anything I have done. Same goes for you, too. Ya know why? Because we are human.

To wrap it up, I love each and everyone one of you – and I hope you have a Very Merry Christmas! And below? Well, Here is some pics from the past month or so. Enjoy!

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*
I hope this helps someone today.
Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  
And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes – I just admitted – I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.
It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them – with no level of expectation back? 
Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  
Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them – because without them – I’d probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let’s be honest – our feelings aren’t facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

It’s funny, in a an absurd type of way – but it’s true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It’s the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone – well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out – I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn’t save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  ‘Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, “You really take that many pictures?”.  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn’t delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn’t realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby – and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment – I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram – and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through – I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road – God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can’t see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can’t see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo – can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them – and let’s be a little different.  Print some out – hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, “Photographs seems unimportant, until that’s all you have left.”  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1




That’s the truth. I am writing this after pursuing my Facebook feed while watching Lifetime Movie network this am. And here is what I have learned today – and I guess I always knew it – but just kinda realized it I. The forefront of my brain. Men can also be abused. I never really thought about it before.

But here is what I saw. On lifetime- a woman little slapped, pushed, and poured coffee on her husband. All when she was drinking or angry. He never touched her back. He stayed at a point, to where he would walk away. Go for a drive. She would then incessantly text him. Post cryptic Facebook messages to get the world involved on their drama. And one day- she clawed his eye. He restrained her while calling 911. He was the one told to leave. He pressed charges. Filed for divorce. And she was convicted of malicious wounding and domestic abuse. 
And then, I get on Facebook this morning. If you don’t have something good to say about someone – don’t say anything! Especially on Facebook or Twitter. Especially when you have a child with that person. Those words will never be gone. The negativity that you put out there when you do that- mindblown. And children will make a decision when they get older. Don’t make yourself easily look crazy. Don’t say bad things about their other parent. I don’t care what they did. If you truly love your child – you love their heart more than you love your own vindication. And honestly – you only make yourself look bad. It makes me almost pity the other party. 
In a world of anger, violence, and abuse – don’t be a statistic. Whether you are male or female – if you are abused – get out. Being insulted, hit, screamed at, slapped, punched, scratched, and frankly / anything that is demeaning – is not right.  Get help. There is a lot of help out there. 
I will now resign from my soapbox this morning. 
Your welcome. 🙂