Tag: faith

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Guys.  My guys.  My peeps. 

I have been so busy. 

So busy – In such a good way.

First, I have been super busy at work, and I am so grateful for that. I would much rather be busy than bored, because let’s be honest – the day pokes when you are slow.

Secondly, I had the bright idea to take four classes over the summer.  What Is wrong with me?  A lot apparently… LOL.  My oldest son told me it was a bad idea.  Did I listen?  Nope.  Was he right?  Yep.  But, I am over halfway done now, so I am super grateful for that.

Third, I went on vacation.  It was amazing.  It was needed.  And it was nice to get out of town, get on a plane, and feel some normalcy post-covid.

Lastly, been launching a podcast, nbd.  How we launched this, I don’t know.  How we figured out how to do it, again, I don’t know.  But did it we have – and I am literally floored at the success.  And I want to thank every single person who has taken the time to Rate, review, and subscribe.  We launched in on Shaun’s death anniversary – in honor of him.

If you want to find the link and know a little more, hop over to my Facebook (feel free to add me!), but my page is also public, so feel free to read the posts and find more information there.

I will still be over here, though. Don’t you worry.  I just wanted to give you a little update.  And guys – be safe this weekend.  Don’t drink and drive.  Have a great cookout.  And enjoy your friends and family.  I can’t wait to do the same!  Love you guys!

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As we all know – I have been ran through the mud. I have been hurt.  Angered. I have been mocked.  Made fun of.  All by people who really don’t know anything about me. That being said, you all have been supportive as can be. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. So here is an answer to a question I got.

The email read,

“Hey.  I don’t know how you are holding up.  I have watched this going on…  The job. The gossip. The health issues. The kids. How are you holding up – I mean this as a question, not even a “How are you?” (I care how you are, I’m just struggling too- help me!) I’m losing my mind from the past year, myself. Any advice?”

Well first, I am holding up shocking well – now.  Keyword is now.  In an hour, who knows. But right now, I am doing ok. And of course.  I have advice.  Here’s my top ten things you should/shouldn’t do to complicate your life any futher. All written and determined of the past 10 year chaotic journey of my own. Enjoy. LOL!

10. Keep everything in Perspective.

Perspective is underrated. In each moment of our lives, things seem huge, am I right? I’m a widow – and this isn’t even widow talk.  You all saw my crying “Chris Crocker” style video because my feelings got hurt.  People often think that once you know real trauma -you have a gift where other things don’t phase you.  Not true. I might be able to snap out of quicker, but it still hurts.

What gets me through is perspective.  This woman calling me names, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought when I was enduring chemo. I wouldn’t have cared. And guess what? I choose to try my best not to now. It’s perspective.  She was nonexistent to me before, really.  Why care now? It’s perspective.

9. Healthy People take their Health for Granted.

And sometimes, sick people who get healthy-still take their health for granted. So, whether it be physical or mental health – take care of it. And be grateful for it.  For real.  If you smoke stop.  IF you are overweight and sedentary – get healthy.  If you struggle with your mind, get therapy.  Check your heath insurance.  You probably have benefits that you don’t even know about. Take advantage of it and be the best version of you that you can be. If you don’t have health insurance, there are a lot of programs out there to help you.  I know it’s hard.

Let me be honest, If I ate what and how I wanted, and I didn’t exercise, I would be morbidly obese.  For sure.

8. Always Choose Kindness.

I haven’t always chosen kindness.  Sometimes, my words have gotten the best of me.  Sometimes, I have allowed jealousy to enter into my heart with such malice.  Sometimes, I have judged others to make myself feel better. But every single time I have chosen kindness, I have not been disappointed.  Sure, revenge feels good – for a second.  But it doesn’t for the long haul.  So have some good people around you that can be a voice of reason when you are being crazy – and work towards kindness.

7. Confidence is not being well-dressed. Confidence is expressing who you really are.

We all know that my hair is my pride and joy. We all know that my fashion choices maybe a touch out the norm. But I will tell ya this, mohawk and all – I feel like I am living my best self when I am me.  Fake eyelashes and all. I love animal prints – and nontraditional art.   So be yourself. IF you want purple streaks and they make you feel good – get purple streaks. You wanna shave your head, shave your head. Be confident. Confidence looks good on every single person. And if you like your hair in a side part – BY ALL MEANS GET THE SIDE PART! Don’t listen to TikTok!

 6. Allow yourself to be touched.

This is science.  Physical touch can heal.  Like I’m serious.  It really can. Google it.  Physical touch has healing benefits.  It can increase your immune system.  It can lower the blood sugar of people with Diabetes.

There are studies showing that touch signals safety and trust, it soothes. Basic warm touch calms cardiovascular stress. It activates the body’s vagus nerve, which is intimately involved with our compassionate response, and a simple touch can trigger release of oxytocin.

And think of babies – holding a baby can calm a baby.  It’s physical touch.  If you are single, and don’t have a partner, that’s okay.  It isn’t just a couple thing.  Hug your kids.  Your nieces or nephews.  Your friends.  Or even, schedule a massage.  I’m serious.  It helps.

5. Gossip is Capital – Don’t be involved in that Market.

Again, I have went down that road in my past. Never ends well.  But what I can say is this.  If you have ever confided in me – your secrets are safe. For life.  Even if you hate me now.  Steel trap.  And if we were friends, and don’t talk anymore – still, I got you. Don’t be one of those people who air things that were given in confidence. It is actually gross.

My therapist told me this today – and it’s freaking brilliant.  She said, “When people gossip, their whole purpose to gossiping is create worth within themselves.  When people gossip – they are either experiencing fear, a desire for belonging or inclusion, and a craving for intimacy and a sense of connection.  If someone is gossiping, they are sad people. Looking for someone externally to give them approval.” It makes it a little easier to forgive when you think of the damage they have are feeling internally.  

4.  Address your problems as the arise – and complaining will not fix things.

Problems are like splinters.  Might not seem like a big deal, but ignore it – and you might end up with a full body infection.  Address each issue as they come up. Let me give you a real life “Kristie” example.

At one point in my adult life, I was seriously financially burdened. Medical bills, life, and everything else – was sucking me dry.  I was “robbing Peter to pay Paul.”  Finally, it got to the point to where I couldn’t sleep at night. I literally had to get a grip on my finances.  I needed to see just how poor I was.

Had I not done that, I would not have been able to solve the problem. I would have been a slave to ignoring the mailbox, and feeling like I was going to throw up when I had to pay bills.  Now my finances are top priority. I manage my money so it doesn’t manage me. I can go get the mail without a brown bag to hyperventilate in. It feels good.

And complaining, doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t fix  your finances, it doesn’t fix your mood. This one, I am good at.  When you want to complain, think of the opposite, and choose gratitude.  Turn, “I’m starving” into, “I can’t wait to get to Publix for $5.00 Sushi night!”

Acceptance is the first step to freedom. If you are in denial about your present circumstance, you will be locked in a cycle of misery. Once you accept things as they are and you find that you don’t like what you see, you can take the next step to change things for the better.

3. It’s not all about you.

We are the center of our own worlds, of course. But what if you actually flip that switch for five minutes a day.  Take your kids or partner for example… Instead of “What do I have to do today?”, try “What do we need to do today, and maybe I can help you achieve your goal.”

Pay attention to the actions and behaviors of others in your life. Look at the context clues.  Are they sad? Scared? Being bullied, maybe? It’s normal to be intensely aware as to what is going on in your life, just be mindful, that others are around you also.

2. Love is more than a feeling.  It’s a choice.

Everyone wants to be in love, right? Falling in love is mad easy.  Staying in love – not so easy.  I recommend before entering any relationships – be honest.  Don’t change who you are – because overtime – you will change. I am not the same person now that I was at 20. So, if I “fake it” at 20 – end up married to be someone’s ideal – naturally change as they do – BOOM. Problems. And fun facts, this goes for friendships, too.  For a long time, I wanted to morph to be what I thought people wanted.  I am a people pleaser.  I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked.  Now – everyone gets the garbage from jump.  You are welcome. (and I am happier than I have been for it.)

Be honest.  Admit your flaws.  Your hang-ups.  Example? I smoked for years. You think I am gonna hide that from anyone? Nope. Why? It is a struggle for me each day.  So if you see me even consider a cigarette – slap me hard. My best friend smokes. If I asked her for cigarette, she would punch me In the face.  I love her for that.

But with any love, we must choose to be kind, to be loving, let the annoyances pass, be respectful, and supportive.  It isn’t always easy.  But it’s worth it.

1. Don’t ruin your testimony.

Have you ever seen someone face their demons? Let me tell ya, I have twice in my life. And what I have to say, is both times – I had such respect for these two people beforehand, and after – even more.  And both times, I watched both people be brutalized by Christians.  People of my faith. If I didn’t have a strong personal relationship with God – I would definitely never wanted to be part of that religion.

I challenge you to write down on a notepad – every dirty, despicable thing you have done.  Thought.  Every wish of ill will.  Every bad act.  Moments of gluttony.  Times of giving into sin.  Now, I want you to think of everyone you know – and everyone you don’t tuning into a TV channel – where someone reads every, single deed.  No one would be able to hold their heads up.

The reality is that I’ve sinned in just about every area. It pains me to say that, but it’s true. If people hear the Gospel and reject Jesus, that’s one thing. If I’m the barrier to people accepting Christ because of me and my sin, that’s a completely different deal. Fortunately, God’s much bigger than my stupidity.

So I end with this, When does your humanness get in the way of people knowing the hope, forgiveness, and love of Jesus?  Does your life make them curious about Jesus’ love, or does it make them want to run away screaming.

So, I challenge you – if you are a Christian – don’t use prayer as an excuse for inaction.  Don’t sit around and wait for God to do his thing, step out in obedience and faith. And hey, don’t think you are better than others, either. Don’t create some internal rules to differentiate your holiness while you decide others aren’t.

That’s a wrap, Jack.

So there it is.  That’s how I get through.  An amazing support system.  Being supportive.  Love.  Laughter.  Jesus. And Gratiude.

Hope it helps.

Love Fully.  Live Fully.  Shine on. 

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A few weeks back, on my personal facebook page, I posted the below :

You wanna know why that’s funny? Cause it’s true. This new year, I have been quieter. Well, this whole holiday season, (see the last blog). But I was still here, reading, and lurking… LOL! And I saw a little bit of everything from folks. From “New Year, Same me” to “Almost time for the gym to get busy” to “Make New Year’s Resolutions- but not about your body!” (I really saw that one, too!) And all of this made me think, about my own take on the new year.

I like it. Is it just another day? Sure. But is it a block of time? It is. I also like the beginning of a football game. I am a huge Baltimore Ravens fan, and there was nothing I used to like anymore, than Ray Lewis coming onto the field and doing his chicken dance. I loved it. And why? Because you knew that the game was about to start. Race on. It’s my starting line.

I am a Virgo. Competitive by nature. So it was no shock to my own self when I realized I was making baby goals in my mind. And some were big and some were small. Then I was thinking about how to achieve them, and then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

Last year was a tough year for me – mentally and physically. I realized in late September/early October, there is a difference in being a doormat and standing up for yourself. I am so lucky that I have some amazing people around me – who supported me – and talked me through this – and even encouraged me. Now, although I am not comfortable with it, I am trying to do it more often. It isn’t my nature, you understand – my nature is to be a people pleaser. So often times, I shut up and take it. Just not to make waves.

Sis, that’s just ridiculous. I have learned that you can stand up for yourself without being a raging lunatic. You can say “Stop.” You can say, “I am not going to allow you to speak/treat/talk to me that way.” You can create boundaries. And you can forgive the whole time you are doing it. I am realizing that disagreements, along with standing up for yourself, doesn’t mean the person hates you – or that you are killing a relationship. It just means, you are saying, this doesn’t work for me.

I am not a ‘wave-maker’ now, but I am heard. There’s a difference. I feel like, I have a right to be heard, as do you. And we should be able to express ourselves, exactly like that. I also believe, that if someone is doing something good, we should be supportive, right? As humans, all doing this life thing together, we should be nicer. I literally just said, we should be nicer. Why, oh why, aren’t we nicer!?!?

Well, and there was my answer. In 2020 – and from this point on – I am going to work on being more consciously grateful. Consciously Kind. And also, maintain respect for myself. And if I can do that? Well, I would dare bet – a lot can change, right? And notice, I said that I am going to “work on it.” I might not do it great, I might have days where I fail miserably. But what I do know is this – I can always do a little better than I did they day before.

I put this photo on here, because this was definitely – my favorite day this year.

So, join me on this gratitude journey. Try everyday, to think of a few things that you are thankful for. Big or Small. Then write it down. And here’s the key- don’t make it the same three or four things. Because then it becomes reciting, not feeling and thinking about it. And I am making my own rule here, My top two – will never make the list – and I say that because consider it unspoken. I am thankful for God and my faith, and for my kids.

So, I will start us off.

  • Love. I am grateful for love. Being loved. Loving others.
  • Modern Medicine and Alternative Medicine. When you have some of the health issues, I have had – you learn to appreciate both.
  • Having my best friend. A tell all. Another human to do life with – that gets you without judgement.
  • Coffee. I love coffee. I love the habit of it – the way it starts my day off.

So, big things, little things, and things in between. Tell me, what are you grateful for? Maybe, I am taking something for granted, that I need to appreciate a little more!

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

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This is a blog I wrote on a different site back in 2013. A friend reminded me of this last week. I re-read this one, and it made me laugh. And I thought I’d share it again.

Ok, ok, I don’t have a personality disorder.  But hang with me, and you will get where I am going.  For all of those who are shoppers extraordinare, you are probably aware of the Nordstrom line that was at Target.  I wasn’t much into it, because it still seemed mega pricey to me – especially to be at Target, but there was a dress I was in love with.  It looked like something that Michelle Obama would wear.  And I don’t care what your politics are – that is a beautiful woman, who dresses amazing, and carries herself like a champ.  One of the few women that can make biceps look elegant in a sleeveless dress.  I just knew if I owned this dress, I would be the same.  Striking, elegant, commanding the attention of others, in a  demure way.  But, it was $99.99, and I didn’t think all those things should cost that much from Target. 

Well, my friend from work informed me that she purchased said dress last week for 50% off!!!! Now, that, I would consider.  So off to Target we go on our lunch break, so I too, can own a Michelle Obama dress.  What began to transpire is a horror story – something that shouldn’t happen to anyone.  Ever.  We walk in – and there it is – Not at the price point of $49.99 – but $29.99!!!!!! (Sorry Target, I know your Nordstrom stuff didn’t do great – but this excited me!)  So, I rummage through the dresses, find my size, and almost sprint to the dressing room.  I know I am going to look beautiful in this dress.  I have to.  The dress is so gorgeous!!!!  And then…… I put it on. 

Boy, was I wrong.  Let’s just say, it was cut in a way up front, that showed more than what it should have on my body type.  I’ll just say it – THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH BOOB!  (One of those things when on a different shape it would look amazing – not knocking the dress – just me in the dress.) And it isn’t the type of dress where I could wear a tank top under it.  So, a touch sad, I start to take it off. And then tragedy befalls me.  The zipper will not budge.  It zips up to the bottom of your neck – and it wouldn’t budge an inch. At all.  I wrangle myself enough out of the dress to get it twisted around so the zipper is now in front, thinking that would get me a better hold on it.  Still will not budge.  I start to panic.  I am trapped half naked in what I once thought was an amazing dress.  Bet that stuff doesn’t happen to Michelle Obama.

Then I had an epiphany.  I pick up my cell phone and call my friend who came with me.  You can imagine that short conversation – and she comes to the dressing room.  What does she do?  Start cracking up.  I have to admit – it was probably quite a sight – me all red-faced and panic stricken, dress half down and backwards – frantically telling her to help me.  She tries, and guess what – ITS STUCK!!!!  When you see concern in your friends face, you know it’s time to worry.  We work and work, and she finally breaks me free.  It was intense.  I hug her and do a little dance of jubilation in the dressing room.  I have never gotten dressed so fast in my entire life.

Me. The dress. And Michelle.

I blog this to tell you this….  My lessons from the Dressing Room, if you will…

1.  I am not Michelle Obama.
2.  Don’t take stock in material things – you might think that they may make you feel one way – but, it reality it will be the exact opposite – and maybe much worse.
3.  Always take your cell phone into a dressing room. 
4.  Your true friends will always be there for you – no matter the situation – and never take that for granted.
5.  No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse.  Always.  And people are always there to help you.  Let them help you – and don’t be afraid to ask.
6.  And did I say make sure you take your cell phone into a dressing room?
7.  Never underestimate the power of the secret service – I guarantee they wouldn’t have let her get trapped in that dress.

So here is what I am saying, no matter how bad your situation? People can help you if you take the initiative to help yourself.  And no matter how dire the situation seems?  There is an end to it – it will resolve itself.  It’s been a few days – and I am not in the dress.  I hope I made you laugh, and think – cause this was one a bit embarrassing – ehhh… shoot – It’s funny.

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Ok, I know that this sounds horrible, and it is. But, I am a plethora of knowledge on this subject, and I am here to help you. I have had alot of close friends, ask me, “What do I say or do? What should I bring?” – when they find out someone has passed away. Who do they go to? The Widow, that’s who.

Now let me start off with saying, use some sense. Since my husband passed away, I also lost my grandmother. I loved my mamaw. She was a super sweet, super kind, and also super old – lady. She died at the ripe old age of 103. Now, her dying in comparison to him dying – not the same at all. So, use your intuition and guidance, and start there.

When my husband passed away, I was shocked. Floored. It wasn’t even something remotely on my radar. I hadn’t thought about him dying. He wasn’t sick. Super healthy. Young. I mean, he wasn’t even driving a car. I am assuming, that those feelings would go for anyone who suffers through a sudden loss. There whole world is crashing down. And you, being a loving soul – want to help. What do you do? Well, first. Text them. Don’t call. Text. And, being southern – that goes against everything I was taught. But when you are in it – it’s good to see the text messages, but not feel the need to have to answer the phone.

  • Don’t do what we all instinctively want to do. DO NOT ASK IF THEY ARE OK. I mean, obviously not. And I know, you know, it’s just a thing we say – I said it 1000 times before. Never will again. Because when you are emotional – you get annoyed – and I wanted to scream back – WHAT DO YOU THINK!? But, I didn’t.
  • Find out who the point of contact is. For me, I had three. My parents, and my two closest friends. Those folks are the guard keepers. They are so important. Send any correspondence through them. And please – feed them. They have stopped their lives to care for another human – and that deserves some serious honor. I wouldn’t have made it without them. When you find out who the person is – send it out to any mutual friends, so they also know.
  • Come over, when the gatekeepers says it’s fine. And understand, you might not ever see who you came to see. I promise. They know you are there. And appreciate it. I remember laying in my bed, and seeing all the friends and family members showing up. And I was so grateful. I just couldn’t get up out of my bed.
  • Do not tell the loved one to take something for their nerves, unless you really believe that they are losing it. I got so irritated when people asked if I needed “something for my nerves”. Ummm.. No Tammy, My husband died and I am widowed with three babies. So there’s that. I believe my crying is kind of warranted.

Now, you might have someone who wants to talk. And be in it. And cry. And if that’s the case. Do that. But understand this – once the funeral is over – life will never go on as normal for them again. Ever. They will have a new normal – and it can be a great new normal- but, they probably can’t see it then. I was so lucky that I had friends who didn’t forget me. My friends would come over and sit on the porch. One of my friends, actually moved in with me for awhile, to help me with the kids. I mean, she moved in. I am not asking you to move in – I’m just saying – it’s a huge transition.

Next, let’s talk about what to bring. Isn’t this something that we all want to do? I mean, you can’t take away the pain, but you can try to make the situation a little more endurable. So, here’s my list of the things that I will never forget that were brought to me.

  • Toilet paper. A pack from BJ’s. A big one. There are going to be people coming in and out of the home. People go potty. You really don’t want to be crying in your bed, then have to run to Wal-Mart to get some toilet paper. And once everyone leaves, and your life is creating it’s new normal – it’s nice to not have it all used up, and have a stash.
  • Paper towels, paper plates, solo cups, napkins, trash bags, etc. And why these items? They are needed. There will be tons of people, food, and no one wants to worry about dishes. And, check the trash cans. If it’s trash day – take it to the road. More food, more people, more trash generated. Those little steps were so thoughtful.
  • Gift cards. Gift cards got me through a lot of tough times. Restaurants, Wal-Mart, Gas. You pick it. It will help. It will be used.
  • Don’t bring food unless you are part of a meal train or requested. So many people won’t follow this – and you have no idea how much food I had to throw away just because the sheer volume.
  • Nice comfy pajamas. A girlfriend of mine brought me new pajamas. It helped.
  • Send a card. Bring a card. Either one. They will keep it forever. It does mean alot.
  • Don’t send flowers. If you want to get a plant, get a house plant. I’d go with a peace lilly, a succulent, african violets, a fiddle-leaf fig, viper’s bowstring. Flowers are beautiful. Flowers also die. And when you are going through a death – it just made it feel more apparent.

If you are the outdoorsy type, and the individual has yard – make sure they either have a lawn service, or its handled. If it isn’t – organize a group to handle it. Also, think of any other little thing that you can to make someone’s life a little easier.

But I saved the best and most important for last. Pray, my friends. And don’t stop. I am still prayed for today – years later – but some powerful women in my life. And I am so thankful for that guidance. Those prayers. They got me through, and have continued to carry me. If you have any questions – leave a comment, shoot me a message, I’m here.

Come on back now, ya’ll.

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On. Sat nam.

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*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*
I hope this helps someone today.
Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  
And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes – I just admitted – I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.
It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them – with no level of expectation back? 
Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  
Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them – because without them – I’d probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let’s be honest – our feelings aren’t facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

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It’s funny, in a an absurd type of way – but it’s true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It’s the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone – well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out – I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn’t save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  ‘Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, “You really take that many pictures?”.  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn’t delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn’t realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby – and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment – I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram – and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through – I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road – God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can’t see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can’t see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo – can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them – and let’s be a little different.  Print some out – hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, “Photographs seems unimportant, until that’s all you have left.”  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1




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That sounded quite philosophical in it’s own right didn’t it?  The decay of the nation… our horrible society… blah blah blah.  But what I am really writing about – is me.  My face.  Who I am.  A lot of you guys have known me for years.  Some of you – recently.  Some of you – have never met me.  But let me give you a little background.

Fifteen years ago – I was a completely different person.  I didn’t wear makeup.  I didn’t have a “hair style” per se.  I was overweight.  And frankly,  I felt like I didn’t deserve any better.  Now – that being said, I wasn’t some depressed, emo, sad sack type of person.  I was kinda factual.  I had become overweight – so there was no point in buying flattering clothes – because I thought I would never look good in them anyway.  I didn’t wear makeup – same reason.  Hair – same reason.  I was just super duper plain.

Fast forward a few years – I met a girl who become my best friend ever.  She kinda had an intervention with me.  She told me to get my own sweats – and quit wearing my husbands.  She took me out and got me first “cutesy” sweatsuit.  And I say sweatsuit, because there was no way I would wear anything but that.  And guess what?  I had a shape – some might call “hourglass”.  It might have been a yearly hourglass – but hourglass, nonetheless.

Fast forward again.  I lost the weight.  Started getting into clothes.  Was much more confident.  I began working out.  I was more active.  I had great people in my life.  I was happy.  And then… we all know what happened.  I went to bed blissfully happy.  I woke up in a nightmare that I thought would never end.

There was a lot of self reflection that happened over that next year.  First,  I really embraced the aspect of “you only live once.”  I don’t mean that in a reckless way – I mean it in a – seize the day, type of way.   I always loved edgy clothes, hair, makeup, all of it.  Whether I looked like it or not – I always got Cosmo – was intrigued by fashion shows… I loved it – but was embarrassed to love it because I felt like people would think… “Ummmm…. really?  She doesn’t look like it… ”  And, in turn – I would be made fun of.

Guess what?  Make fun of me.   Don’t like my clothes?  I do.  Don’t like my makeup?  I do.  Don’t like my accent?  I do.  Don’t like my tattoos? I do.  Don’t like my Jeep? Then we can’t talk.  I kid.  But, you get what I’m saying.

I feel like through my outward appearance:
1.  I am showing my resilience… because I have a lot of it.  I am a fighter.  I believe life can never defeat me – unless I allow it.  No outcome of any situation will control me.  I am tough.
2.  I am happy.  Not to sound like Pharrell… But I really am.  I mean, my life is far from perfect.  But I am really, and truly deep down happy.

I want my outside to match the insides…And I do that through makeup and clothes.  It’s my thing.  I don’t see any problems with my face without it.  I just like it.  It’s like creating a painting – on yourself. 🙂

So — here’s a video of the whole process…. Sped up.  If you have any questions… Let me know.   Hope you enjoy – And get a little more of who I am !

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Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first – Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But – I am a poop magnet just didn’t seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important – so I feel that it’s important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that – it is absolutely brutal.  I’d like to say that it’s a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter – it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know – that for some time – I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma – but when you know what you are supposed to do – the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first – I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one – here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives – wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly – all of them are hard for folks – just as it would be for me.  But, here’s the kicker – I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me – LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car – but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this – “You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don’t care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn’t a problem.  It’s a hiccup.”  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care – deep down.  But guess what – I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong – I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn’t go to work, and put in a good day’s work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain – you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine – so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks – they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around – I am carrying theirs too.  So – as of yesterday – that’s all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  – It’s 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy – change my attitude – and no longer be crap magnet.

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May 2nd would have been Shaun’s 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It’s like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed – or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out – and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year – on his birthday – my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it’s a weird feeling – being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully – my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn’t mean I love him less.  It’s a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later – and says, “I need you – come on.”  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area – and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, “David is dead.”  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband’s brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don’t know how.  Finally we call – and get everyone to the house.  And by this time – my insides were completely solid.

My husband’s youngest brother – he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband – was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him – and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, “Go get a chicken and taco sauce, ”  – I am gonna be the girl who gets it don’t ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside – I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns’ birthday.  At about 10 o’clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle – our team at work was short – so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me – but I refuse to look at them.  He says, “You ok?” – and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked – but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, “Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn’t my brother – and I didn’t know him.  Don’t be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it.”  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown – I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head – and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law’s.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally – but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point – Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, “Tear Soup”, when Shaun died.  It’s a children’s book – but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away – there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This – the here and now – is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it ‘s painful.  And it will get better – but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about – there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn’t seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them – and even if you don’t tell – they know it anyway.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender.” – Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone – and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives – just like they were supposed to.