Tag: moments

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*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*
I hope this helps someone today.
Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  
And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes – I just admitted – I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.
It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them – with no level of expectation back? 
Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  
Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them – because without them – I’d probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let’s be honest – our feelings aren’t facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

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I wrote this on my birthday … but wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  I decided to go with it…. so here ya go.

“So, today was my birthday. Today I turned 37 years old. Or as I like to to say, the eighth anniversary of my 29th birthday. For those of you who knew me when I was married to Shaun, you knew that birthdays were really huge deal to him as they were to me. Birthdays to him, were like your own personal holiday. It was a day for you to be pampered and taken care of more so than any other day of the year. And for those of you who knew us then, you knew that financially we were strapped. But money never mattered to him – he did whatever to show me that I was a princess that day. And he did it like a champ. So once Shaun passed away, birthdays became like a horrible reminder of a horrible day.

My first birthday after Shaun passed away was absolutely horrible and beautiful at the same time. The reason being,  because I had friends who rallied around me and cared about my heart. But, that being said, it was still a horribly sad day for me. I remember my friend Jacqueline, bringing me her famous special black chocolate cake and it was absolutely delicious. I stood in the kitchen, while my friends sung “Happy Birthday” to me and put a huge smile upon my face, while I held my baby on my hip and my other two children surrounded me. I was so excited that I had people that love me enough, to put forth the effort to try to make the day less painful, but still felt sad down in my soul. Although, I knew I was blessed to see another year because I know what it’s like not to see one, I was still sad. To be honest, I felt like I would never be able to celebrate a birthday and be happy, no less – one of my  own. 

But this year, was a game changer. It was a whole new feeling to be in a situation where I moved to a new state to a new town and knew only 3 people,  14 months ago. But from the second that I woke up this morning, I was treated like a straight princess. I know that Shaun was looking down from heaven smiling at me, and saying “Baby, this is they was your birthday is supposed to be.” 

I realize, that I have made friends here that will be true lifelong friends. There are people here who love me. Love my heart, my soul, and my spirit – just because I am me.  It isn’t because I am Shaun Greenberg’s widow – or because I am Scott’s wife.  It’s because I’m Kristie. Just me.  I know that there are people who knew me before Shaun, during Shaun, and after he passed – who love me for me. But when you are relatively new area, and you arrive to your workplace – and your work family has went above and beyond – it’s mind blowing. I actually sat in my office today, and cried.  Not a sad cry, but they type of cry where – 
1.  You feel like you belong.
2.  You feel so blessed.
3.  You feel loved.  
And by people who haven’t known you that long.
They all went above and beyond to make sure that my day was special – and it was. When there are people who post on your Facebook wall-which I know sounds completely ridiculous, that’s a big deal for me. They still took time out of their day to say happy birthday. My brother and sister-in-law took the time to find the address of where I work or send me a gift which meant a lot. My mother and father-in-law came by to see me on my actual birthday I took time out of their day to say hey we love you happy birthday. My family, that lives in my house, makes me feel special every day. And for that I’m thankful. But, to have people outside of your own four walls, make you feel special – is amazing.

To find people that will support you, even when they know you are on a diet and going to the gym, will give you the dark temptation of chocolate cake, it’s awesome. The people have listened, and not just listened – retained the things that you’ve said – just to make you feel special- it’s amazing. Whether it be a bottle of Fiji water or a chocolate cake or a label maker or skull and cross bones – to know your valued as a human, a friend, and a woman – is a great feeling. Tonight, I will go to bed with a heart full of gratitude for the blessings that I’ve been given. Thankful for every single person who has touched me today. My best friend, the girl who is Siamese at heart, Jacqueline, has said to me, “To Honor your Moments” . Today I will honor this day, not only for the pain that my mother went there to get me here, the importance that Shaun had it to make birthdays feel special, or just another year gone by. Today I will honor my moments, by taking time to reflect all those who honored me. .  I will go to bed with a smile upon my face, and happiness in my heart knowing that I am loved.  Thank you for being my friends, my family, and my heart. I love everyone of you all and I hope that on your birthday you feel special as special as I do.  God has blessed me in ways I never thought possible.  So, I was wrong.  My birthday mattered a lot.  Little did I know, it mattered the most to me.”

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First of all, if you are reading this blog on a mobile device…. scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the button that allows you to see it as the web version.  And then – sit back and be amazed.  I changed the whole look of the blog – after years of it being the same.  And to you, that might not seem like a big deal – but for me – it’s huge.  This blog started as a way to let the world know how I was surviving that day.  Now, it’s transformed into much more for me.  It has turned into a way to share my thoughts, feelings, and views.  And that is something I used to be so scared to share.  I didn’t want people to think that I was stupid – or tell me I was wrong, a million different fears behind being outspoken and open.

Well boy, have times changed.  While working on changing the look and the name of the blog – I read a lot of my old posts.  And It was funny and eye-opening to see the way I have transformed over the years.  And it also floored me that I have been doing this for YEARS!  How is that even possible?  I have learned so much in the past few years – and I have changed in so many ways.  I guess I had my “coming of age” a little later than most.

So here is what I want you to know about the new look.  And yes – It all pretty much radically changed.  I threw the blog up 7 days after Shaun died.  I wasn’t really concerned about how it looked.  It was just a way to breathe.  Now, I want you to see me.  Who I am.  Now.  Because of this wicked journey that I had to go on.  And who I am is this – A girl who has had a lot of heartache and pain – but it has always been out weighed by the love and goodness I have had around me.  My life is not perfect – I have struggles.  But I am blessed beyond measure.  I have people who love me.  Care about me.  And help me daily.  What more can you ask for?

Now, If you haven’t noticed – the name has changed, too.  It was “iwillalwaysloveyoushaun.blogspot.com” — and well, that’s a lot.  It’s now http://www.princessprophecies.blogspot.com.  Because, that’s where I am going.  Onward and upward.  Time to get the book out.  And link it all together.  So here is my first step – I changed the name.  I changed the look.  And I love it.  I hope everyone else does too!!!!!  And I want to thank my techie people who made this happen.  It made me deep down, like in the center of my core, happy.  You didn’t have to do it – and I can’t thank you enough for doing it anyway.

And here’s the thing – It’s “closing time” on the old… and like Semisonic, not Third Eye Blind – said, ” Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  Here’s my new beginning on this journey – and I am stoked.  Much more to come.  Love you all.  Xoxoxoxoxo