Tonight, I am feeling kinda somber.  Yesterday – was my grandmother’s 103rd Birthday.  And I know – It is amazing that she has lived to this age.  But to be honest, she isn’t doing good at all.  I spoke to my mom yesterday, she has double pneumonia.  She is bed ridden.  She doesn’t know where she is at – or who is with her.  She sometimes thinks that my mom, is her mom.  She is calling out for her own parents.  She is mostly blind.  It’s just completely sad.

And what makes me feel so sad – is that she has lived.  And it’s okay for her to go.  I am totally at peace with it.  I don’t know if it is that I am hardened, and I worry that I am.  But I honestly feel like she has lived a long life – and she is now only existing.  She isn’t living.  My grandmother, as I know her, has been gone for a little over a year.  This woman, now, isn’t the woman I knew growing up.  My grandmother, would eat chocolate fudge cake and mix it with a peanut butter sandwich.  My grandmother, would go through pictures with me on her couch – and tell me about the things I did when I was little.  My grandmother put up her Christmas tree  way too early – just because she thought it was pretty.  This woman, in the nursing home, is just what is left of who she used to be.

You know, although I thought for awhile I would die myself when Shaun died, I didn’t.  When he died – he was full of life.  He lived every, single, solitary moment – up until he died.  I can’t imagine what my mom is going through – seeing someone she loves – just not there anymore.  I am so thankful I never saw that.  So my heart hurts for her, too.

It will probably be any day – and I pray it’s sooner rather than later.  That makes me feel awful to say – but it’s honest.  She just isn’t who she was.  She has lived – and has a legacy behind her.  I just hope she knows how much we love her – and it’s okay for her to go.  She doesn’t have to live forever, we will be okay.

Every night when we go to sleep – we have the promise of a new day.  It’s a promise – not a guarantee.  We  know that the sun will rise, the earth will rotate,  somewhere it will rain, somewhere the sun will shine.  But we don’t know, what the new day will bring.  I have had numerous – too many to count – that I would change.  I would change the way things went from the second I wake up, to the second that I go to bed.  There’s days where I wouldn’t change a thing.  There are days where I wish I could just hit the delete button – rewrite that day – and insert a new ending.  But, what we can control is what we decide to do with our new day, if we are blessed enough to see it show up.

Too many people have passed away, had serious illnesses, or have had serious struggles lately.  People that I know personally.  But today, a lot has popped up in my path.  I have asked a lot of questions.  Have tried to project what Shaun would advise me to do.  And, it’s a good thought process to have.  I am thankful I trusted him enough to want to take his advice.  Anyway, I digress.  So, here is what I have came up with – ready for this?  Live today like you could die any second, but plan like you are going to live forever.  To sum it up – Don’t be overly cautious and not live today to the fullest.  But don’t be so exuberant in your life – that you miss great possibilities for your future…  Once again – Live the Dream.