Tonight, I am feeling kinda somber. Yesterday – was my grandmother’s 103rd Birthday. And I know – It is amazing that she has lived to this age. But to be honest, she isn’t doing good at all. I spoke to my mom yesterday, she has double pneumonia. She is bed ridden. She doesn’t know where she is at – or who is with her. She sometimes thinks that my mom, is her mom. She is calling out for her own parents. She is mostly blind. It’s just completely sad.
And what makes me feel so sad – is that she has lived. And it’s okay for her to go. I am totally at peace with it. I don’t know if it is that I am hardened, and I worry that I am. But I honestly feel like she has lived a long life – and she is now only existing. She isn’t living. My grandmother, as I know her, has been gone for a little over a year. This woman, now, isn’t the woman I knew growing up. My grandmother, would eat chocolate fudge cake and mix it with a peanut butter sandwich. My grandmother, would go through pictures with me on her couch – and tell me about the things I did when I was little. My grandmother put up her Christmas tree way too early – just because she thought it was pretty. This woman, in the nursing home, is just what is left of who she used to be.
You know, although I thought for awhile I would die myself when Shaun died, I didn’t. When he died – he was full of life. He lived every, single, solitary moment – up until he died. I can’t imagine what my mom is going through – seeing someone she loves – just not there anymore. I am so thankful I never saw that. So my heart hurts for her, too.
It will probably be any day – and I pray it’s sooner rather than later. That makes me feel awful to say – but it’s honest. She just isn’t who she was. She has lived – and has a legacy behind her. I just hope she knows how much we love her – and it’s okay for her to go. She doesn’t have to live forever, we will be okay.