So, happy fourth of July.  Happy Independence Day.  Eat a burger, have some potato salad, and get a sunburn.  And hopefully – next year I will do the same.  But I am sure that is not going to happen this year.  Today is the worst of them so far.  Maybe because it’s a holiday.  We were going to Philadelphia this weekend.  And Shaun was so looking forward to it – as was I.  One thing that I am not is Independent.  I was dependent upon him, and happily.  I know a lot of people think it’s “bad” to be dependent… but I relished in it. Webster’s defines dependent as relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.  And I did/do that with Shaun.  But I wasn’t in a weird way.  He was just my support.  The yin to my yang.  My other half.  And I know that I have to function, that I can’t just cry everyday away – because I have 3 kids – that’s exactly what I want to do.  I want him to know how much he is missed, and how much I hurt.  And how I will never be the same.  I feel angry sometimes too.  And I don’t want to be angry – but I do want him back.  I wish this had never happened.  My life was fantastic.  I know that I won’t know until I make it to heaven also… but I gotta be honest – I can’t wait until they day I can be in his arms again.

I hate euphemisms.  I abhor them even.  I learned this over the past few weeks.  “Such a loss”, “passed on”, “went to be with the Lord”.  I understand that those are all true – and I also understand that people are really trying to help.  But I refuse to say those words.  I feel like they are soft.  They are made to soften the blow of the gravity of what happened. 
I know that my husband is in paradise.  I know this.  But I also know it hurts.  It hurts like a pain I have never felt.  When Shaun died, a piece of me died with him – and I will never get that part back.  Ever.  I still talk to him.  When something happens that annoys me, makes me happy, I just talk.  And no, I don’t need Xanax, Paxil, or any other type of anti-psychotic drugs.  But it makes him feel close to me.  But the gravity is still there because he doesn’t answer me back.  We were supposed to grow old together.  He would say, “Senior Ride Til We Die..”  Well, I didn’t get to ride the senior ride with him.  And it hurts me.  To my core.  I want to feel him with me forever… Hand in hand… Feet crossed in bed while we sleep. His chest hair itching my nose if I was laying on him to fall asleep. 
Shaun used to hold my hand when we rode down the road… and he would always lift my hand to his lips and kiss it – and then bite it… and just laugh and laugh at himself.  Annoying.  But I would give anything for that again.  He had such a joyful heart.. And he cracked himself up.  He used to say he was gonna do stand up – I would inform him he wasn’t funny – then he would tell me how he was…  That’s my hubby.  I guess this post is kinda random, but I am having a random day.

So, today I wake up and look out my window and see a ton of my church family working in my yard.  I had a very hard night last night.  I don’t know why it was so hard, what made it different, but it was.  I was up until about 4am… and when I did finally sleep – it was fitful at best.  I miss him.  How do you let someone go when you have no option but to do just that.  I don’t even know how to feel.  I love him.  He changed me.  He taught me that to be a Christian is so much more than I ever thought.  And now, his friends are showing me.  There is a guy here, and I am so sorry that I don’t know his name, but Shaun always called him his “roll dog”.  He’s an usher at our church, a fellow bald guy, and a Red Sox fan.  They always joked about sports, (albeit they might have been pretending to “joke”), but Shaun loved him.  Man hugs every Sunday.  I know that Shaun would give him a big man hug now for being here… 

So, Shaun used to always say to me, “You are Beautiful.. with two big L’s…” 
And as most women would reply to their spouse, I would say he was sweet – I love him – and then rattle all the things off that I would like to repair with diet, exercise or plastic surgery.
He would roll his eyes, and say, “That’s stupid.”  And guess what?  He was right.  He loved me how I am.  It wasn’t just my physical appearance that he was referring to – it was my heart and my love for him.  He knew something that I didn’t until this week.  He saw my heart.. what made me  – well, me.  And he loved it.  And Shaun was beautiful – a gorgeous man.  Thought so the second I met him.  But when I look back on old pics, he looks kinda funny to me.  Not the same.  Because his heart wasn’t the same.  So when someone tells you that you are beautiful – say Thank You… they might see something there that you can’t.

So, last night, I found a bunch of videos of Shaun that I thought were forever lost a long time ago… God is good.  I have never know such pain in my life.  Such a feeling of emptiness.  But I also never knew how amazingly God can work in a tragedy.  I see people’s lives changing.  I hear their stories.  I read them on facebook.  (Oh, what would we do without the facebook).  But God provided me with an understanding supervisor, manager, who I spoke with today.  GEICO is fabulous.  I still don’t know when or how I will go back to work, but I know that God will provide that for me.  I don’t know how I am going to get up in the morning without Shaun there, but I do know God will be there to help me do it.  I know I am always going to hurt immensely from my loss – my kids loss.  But I know that God has shown me many things that are much more important.  Life on this earth is fleeting.  It’s so fast.  Prepare for your eternal future, and make sure that’s right.  I know that I will be forever blesssed.

One week ago today, my husband went to meet Jesus.  He was a Christian – for that I am ever thankful.  But he was also my best friend, the love of my life, and my soul mate.  He was kissing me goodnight, and was gone the next morning.  He died in the bathroom in our home of a brain aneurysm.  It was the worst event of my life.  My husband left behind a wife and 4 children.  One is only 1 year old.  He was only 30.  I decided to keep a blog to remember him by.  Maybe someone will come across it and they can help me – I can help them, I don’t know.  But at least I can keep every memory alive and share them as they come to me.