My baby was one awesome cupcake…

A cupcake is a person who…
…from outward appearance you would assume they are tough, but on the inside they are soft.
…can be very sweet.
…is the perfect size, just the right amount of everything.
…is also cute yet delicious.
…people are always in the mood to hang out with them, just like people are always in the mood to have    cupcakes.
…people never get sick of. 
So how do you recover from losing something so awesome?  By God’s grace is my only hope.  I had another outburst at work today.  I was completely fine before lunch – but lunch apparently stemmed a meltdown.  I mean, I didn’t scream like a crazy person – but my heart was.  I kept thinking how he wouldn’t be there when I got home.  And think I kept thinking about how I moved his clothes.  And I felt guilty.  And I can tell you – I know it’s perfectly normal to move his clothes – and the only way I moved them was to the other side of the closet (we shared one side – we had a weird shaped closet).  And, he used to keep his clothes on that side in the winter – but had moved them in the spring. But I felt like I betrayed him in a way.  I changed the sheets on the bed.  I know, I know – that’s normal.  But I have “our” sheets.  The sheets we slept on together.  The sheets I cried into when he died. I sealed them in a space saver bag.  I don’t care if it’s gross.  I will keep them.  I feel guilty.  Like I “cleaned up” his death.  And all I really was trying to do, was first, keep the room as neat as he did.  He was neat – always made the bed, hated clutter.  But second, My life is already hard – trying to pilfer between my clothes and his was just adding to my stress.  Feeling yucky, because I was so afraid to touch anything that I would change the way it was that day – but I had to. I still can’t open the bathroom door.  And I feel guilty about that.  Like I should go in there – but I can’t.  I want it sealed off.  I mean how do you go in a bathroom where the love of your life died.  I just can’t.  So why do I feel guilty?  I have no clue.  But I still do.  I love that man more than anything – I always will.  I just hope he wouldn’t be hurt.

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