I was the kid crying at orientation….

So, like clockwork I guess – have a great day, next one kinda blows.  Seems to be my pattern.  Not a fantastic pattern, to be honest.  It makes me nervous anytime I have a good day… Ugh.  And, honestly – today was okay – up until lunch.  I found out that the brother of a friend of mine committed suicide a week ago.  And it’s tragic.  The family is in turmoil and their hearts are broken.  My heart breaks, also – although I haven’t seen the guy for a few years.  It just makes me sad, that he felt so hopeless.  That he felt like there was nothing to live for.  And I guess I have been very, very, very sad.  Sadder than I ever thought humanly possible – and I still didn’t want to die.  I mean, I guess a part of me thought it would be easier – but I have so much to live for.  And Shaun would want and expect me to carry on.  I am not saying it’s easy, but that’s what he would make me do.   I just can’t imagine feeling so hopeless that it feels like your only option.  That you can’t see beyond everything and the moments of sadness to see that there could be something great on the other side.  The whole thing makes my heart feel heavy and sick.  Please pray for this family.  Death is hard in any circumstance – but this has to be one of the hardest.
And then tonight my son had orientation at school.  I hurried out of work, went and picked the kiddos up, and off to orientation we went.  We get to the school, and follow instructions and find his homeroom teacher.  All is well.  And I know I need to tell these teachers what happened to Shaun, just in case – because Tariq has a tendency to blurt out when he gets upset.  And, well, that could make for an awkward conversation.  And all I could think about, was last year, Shaun walking through the halls.  And he was so excited for the kids to go back to school.  He was so “into” being a dad.  He loved it.  He loved parenting, taking care of things, getting their stuff together, making them do their homework – and see the benefits of all of their work and effort.  And he’s not there.  I am doing it.  So I walk into the lobby, sit on the bench, and start crying while hugging Isabella.  I am totally embarrassed, and I definitely don’t want to embarrass Tariq at school, but I couldn’t stop.  I just miss him.  I want him back.  I want him taking care of all of these things.  I need him so much.  I don’t think he ever knew just how much he was actually needed.  I hope that he knows now.  I cried on the way home.  I cried when I got home.  It’s been a teary day.

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