So, Webster’s don’t fail me now…..

What a day in my life.  It has been the biggest roller coaster of emotions that I have ever experienced.  Most importantly – my amazing son, Tariq – was baptized today.  And it was an amazing moment.  Seeing your child – standing up before people – not caring whether people will think it’s “cool” or not – and saying – “I LOVE JESUS – AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!?”  Well, that makes his momma proud.  Very proud.  And it makes my heart give a huge sigh of relief.  To know that through Shaun – who instilled it in him, My daddy – who walked him through it, and Jeremy- who baptized him- made my heart feel as if it would explode.  As you all know – Shaun was the most important man in my life.  He was my love, my best friend, my soul mate.  I have never loved anyone like that. Not ever. Never will I again.  You can’t have a perfect love like that and ever feel anything close to the same.  Then there is my daddy.  What can I say?  He’s my daddy.  He took care of me my whole life – and he still does.  Those are safe arms that I can always fall.  And bless his heart, he is 65 years young, and has been carrying me for the past two months.  And then there’s Jeremy – my friend from high school. He provided pre-marital counseling for Shaun and I.  And, he gave Shaun the honor of performing his memorial service.  And, today, he held my son – as he publicly told the world that he would enter the kingdom of heaven.  Three very important and amazing men to me – all having a hand in this most important moment of Tariq’s life.  I am forever grateful.  Two got to be there in person today – Shaun was there in spirit – I know it.
And then, this most amazing article was published in the Free-Lance Star today.  Cathy was amazing – she put in words the way I felt.  And I am so thankful that so many more people got to know the story of Shaun and I.  I am so blessed by that.  And not only that, but today I was surrounded by my family and friends.  And today, I felt loved.  I felt blessed.  And I knew that Shaun was all around me.  And still is.  And to see how amazing  God is to us all – WOW!  But, I’m honest in this thing – and I gotta say… It made me want him there even more.  Shaun would have been so excited.  He would have been bouncing off the walls type of excited.  One of his best friends was baptized today.  And all he ever wanted was this man to see what he saw.  And he did today.  When I found out – that his guy was baptized – not only was I floored, but I started sobbing in the middle of Bravo…  I wish Shaun was there in person.  I wish he could have witnessed it first hand.  It hurts in these big moments – when my cheerleader and support isn’t there.  But it’s amazing if he doesn’t provide them in a zillion more ways… And this is another reason that I love him.
But tonight, I was sitting on my porch thinking, like I do each evening, and I got this text…

“I know you do girl.. Your doing exaclty what he would want… changing peoples lives… Showing them how to be real…. I know that u and him have changed me and I am forever grateful.  I can’t wait to hug him in heaven and thank him for making me open my eyes…”

And when I got that text, I was praying… And asking God if all this couldn’t have happened with him here.  I got a text message as my answer.  And I know Shaun would have sacrificed his life for one person – no less any others.  Even if it was just a planted seed.  He had been through so much, and still dealt with it.  But he wanted everyone to have that peace of God’s love.  I am so thankful.  Sad.  Blessed.  Happy.  Sad.  Well, a lot of sad, but great adjectives in there too… So here’s my webster’s word for today. 

Bittersweet:  both pleasant and painful or regretful.

Yup, that sums it up. And here’s a quote for ya…
I feel extremely lucky, extremely grateful, and a little bittersweet, too.
Wentworth Miller

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