You can’t google everything….

It’s 10:10 pm.  Another day has passed – and tomorrow is 9 weeks.  I know I shouldn’t count every second but I can’t help it.  Most of my day is consumed with thoughts about Shaun in some way, shape, or form.  And tomorrow is back to school for the kids.  And I feel like it’s another slap of “normalacy” and it makes me mad.  Because things aren’t normal for me.  So, it’s hard for me to comprehend how things can still be normal.  To anyone.  Now, rationally I completely understand how.  Just how my life was normal and perfect on June 22 – and someone/somewhere was suffering the same type of thing I am.  But I was going to work, I was planning events for the family to do – I was making plans.  I was living.  Now I feel like I am trudging through.  And the only way that I am capable of that is by the grace of God – and all the prayers I have had covering my heart.

But here is a question.  How do you heal a child when you are broken yourself?  Google it – no good answers.  First time google has let me down.  How do I help my kids, ease their pain, when I ache myself? I have said all the things that you read that you should say.  Here’s the fact.  It’s crap.  Kids are little people – not unintelligent.  I have had them draw pictures, talk, describe their favorite memories – so on and so forth.  And you know what they want?  Shaun back.  Same thing I do.  So tonight this is the way I handled it.  They both are sad that he won’t be there for their first day of school.  I told them it makes me sad too – cause he loved it.  (We laughed about how he’d be excited for a break – summer’s can be long when you got three kiddos!)  They said they wanted him back.  I told them that I bet I wanted him back more.  Isabella, that kid – I love her – she looked at me and said, “I bet you do – you all were the other halves.”  Not the best grammar – but I got her point.  She knew how much he loved me.  But she also knows how much he loved them.  And we sat for awhile, cuddled up, and watched a little tv.  I got them in the shower – ready for bed for school the next day. Good night kisses and tucked in.  Bella wanted to sleep with me tonight – I let her.  She’s there now.  That’s all I know to do.  Just love them.  Don’t try to fix them.  Just be there if they feel they need a “fixing” moment.

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