I sometimes wish I was 3.  Things seem so simple then.  You are old enough to go potty alone, but all other needs are taken care of and met.  Wasn’t three a great age?  I don’t remember a lot about it – but I am pretty sure it was.  I was blessed to have a set of fantastic parents.  I know that everyone doesn’t have that.  And for that it makes me sad.  They have stood by me, supported me, and loved me – even when I was unlovable.  They opened their arms and heart to Shaun when they met him – and loved him unconditionally.  They made him feel welcome in their home, and they showed him the same amount of love that he showed me.  I miss that love that he showed me.  I know it’s still there – it will always be in my heart – but I actually miss the moments, ya know?

I thought about love a lot today – true love.  And as I look around me, I realize what a rarity it is to have that.  And if you have that with your spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, whomever – cherish it.  Because that is a precious relationship.  I know how lucky I am that I had that with Shaun.  I feel like he’s my other half.  The yin to my yang.  The peanut butter to my jelly.  I could keep going, but I will not for the sake of your sanity.  But I woke up to a kiss and smile every single day.  And I went to bed the same way.  He always made completely sure that every need I had was taken care of – and tried to take care of all my wants.  And now I realize, every need and want that I thought that I had was already taken care of – because he was here.  Now  I have a lot of needs and wants – that will never be met, and I have to live with that.  I have all the visions in my head of what perfection would be like in my earthly utopia.  And that’s all.  Just him back.

But God had a greater need, one that I don’t know.  But I have complete faith in his plans.  I wish I could know more, understand more, but I still have faith.  I pray all the time.  I think I am praying more of my waking hours than not.  I pray for people I pass on the street.  Thing I see on the news.  You name it, I am turning into a regular prayer warrior.  But everytime I pray, God blesses me with such a grace that I can’t even begin to imagine.  

I have an image in my head that I want to get out on paper, canvas, something – maybe photoshop?  Who knows.  But a picture of Shaun – looking down on me… loving me from afar, but me not realizing how close he actually is.  That might not make sense, but it does in my head.  But that’s how I feel.  Sometimes I feel completely alone and abandoned.  And then I realize he’s a ton closer than I ever thought.  Kinda like that Hall and Oates song… “So Close, yet so far away…”  I think it was called So Close.  Not sure though.
I just miss him.  I forgive him for leaving.  I just wish he could come back.  Just for a minute.  Sorry this blog was kinda rambling – just a lot in my head.  I had to get it all out.  And it all makes sense to me… LOL… Scary right?

And as Isabella said to me tonight, “You wanna go play with your magic kit?”  Oh, I wish I could.  And I wish it would make it all better.

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