I heard a song today while I was at work called, “What if I Stumble?”, and I gotta say – it hit home with me. It’s talking about giving God a lot of excuses, over why we can’t. And trust me. I got a lot. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. I feel angry. Violently angry in my head. I victimize myself sometimes. Even the events of nature that have occurred this past week, I have to be honest, I felt it was almost a personal slight. I know, I know – don’t let the world hit me in the head as it comes by – since obviously I think it revolves around me. And then I sit back and look at myself, and if I was God – I would punch myself in the throat. I rationally know that earthquakes and hurricanes are not all created for my personal annoyance and grief. But boy, sometimes it feels like it.
I have had a horrible year. Can’t get any worse at all in my head. It really can’t. Everything else is so trivial to me. All thing that concerns me now – my whole reason for living – is my kids. But I need to focus on people beyond my kids. There are people out there who need hope. I need to help them. I need to get out of my own head, and do what God wants me to do. And I know Shaun would want that for me too. I need a purpose greater than my own, because what a dismal existence to live only for man. Human needs and desires. It seems really ridiculous if you really sit and think about it. I could be a millionaire, and it wouldn’t matter. I will never have what I want until I get to heaven. But I will have it – and that’s the one thing that I am assured of. I know it. I live by it – breathe by it – only way I sleep. I don’t know when I will have it – but I know I will. My faith is strong. I feel like faith is the wrong word though – because I KNOW.
So, I am going to try. I am going to pray. And if I stumble – I’ll jump right back up. And then it will start again. I know I got a team cheering me on in heaven, and pretty sure I got a decent team here on this earth cheering me on also.