I heard a song today while I was at work called, “What if I Stumble?”, and I gotta say – it hit home with me.  It’s talking about giving God a lot of excuses, over why we can’t.  And trust me.  I got a lot.  I feel sorry for myself sometimes.  I feel angry.  Violently angry in my head.  I victimize myself sometimes.  Even the events of nature that have occurred this past week, I have to be honest, I felt it was almost a personal slight.  I know, I know – don’t let the world hit me in the head as it comes by – since obviously I think it revolves around me.  And then I sit back and look at myself, and if I was God – I would punch myself in the throat.  I rationally know that earthquakes and hurricanes are not all created for my personal annoyance and grief.  But boy, sometimes it feels like it.

I have had a horrible year.  Can’t get any worse at all in my head.  It really can’t.  Everything else is so trivial to me.  All thing that concerns me now – my whole reason for living – is my kids.  But I need to focus on people beyond my kids.  There are people out there who need hope.  I need to help them.  I need to get out of my own head, and do what God wants me to do.  And I know Shaun would want that for me too.  I need a purpose greater than my own, because what a dismal existence to live only for man.  Human needs and desires.  It seems really ridiculous if you really sit and think about it.  I could be a millionaire, and it wouldn’t matter.  I will never have what I want until I get to heaven.  But I will have it – and that’s the one thing that I am assured of.  I know it.  I live by it – breathe by it – only way I sleep.  I don’t know when I will have it – but I know I will.  My faith is strong.  I feel like faith is the wrong word though – because I KNOW.

So, I am going to try.  I am going to pray.  And if I stumble – I’ll jump right back up.  And then it will start again.  I know I got a team cheering me on in heaven, and pretty sure I got a decent team here on this earth cheering me on also.