Searching – But I know what I am searching for….

I have been searching for so many things.  So many questions – not a lot of answers.  And I am searching constantly.  Praying constantly.  I talk to Shaun often.  I sit around, I look around, and just talk to him.  I ask questions.  But I am not praying to Shaun, I don’t want to get that confused at all.  But, he was such a huge part of my life.  The person I could tell anything to – at anytime – and he would listen.  How can I not do that anymore?  I am well aware that he isn’t here, that he isn’t going to answer back.  But I can’t help it.  And I need to figure things out.  I keep trying, and I hope one day I do – at least somewhat.  But I am not searching for Shaun, I am seeking a closer relationship with God.  It’s something Shaun had.  And I want that, too.

Shaun’s death is what got me on the journey, but he was already on the road.  And yes, I feel like I will know Shaun on a different level, if I get my walk with God right.  And if I seek him the way Shaun did.  But I am almost envious (Much more thankful), but I wish that Shaun could see that he got me the way he did.  The things he did and said make so much sense to me now.  But how is it, that I can still feel him?  I can sit on the couch, shut my eyes, and I remember what holding his hand felt like.  I can remember how it felt when his hand was on my back and he pulled me in to kiss him.  I can still feel the feeling of his pulse in his neck, when I laid on his chest, snuggled up to go to sleep.  How is all that so real and vivid?  I don’t understand it – but I never want it to go.  Not ever.  I am so blessed.  So thankful for those sweet memories.  So thankful to have been loved like that once in my life.

I feel like I am walking down a dirt road, and it’s all weavy and confusing.  And there is another one beside it – I am not on that one – but it’s there.  And I feel like the one I am on, that one is my path to God, the one beside it – Shaun.  I just hope through all this – the one in front of me straightens  out, and becomes paved.  And maybe, just maybe, I will see the one beside it paved, also.  So pray for me.  I’m trying to figure all this out.

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