So, just to start this off… It’s probably obvious that I have done quite a bit of thinking this week. This goes hand in hand with quite a bit of crying. I can’t seem to do one, without the other following suit. But, one thing that I keep thinking about is how drastically my life has changed. I see people walking around – doing their normal.. and I am envious. I remember June 23rd like a horrible nightmare. I feel that moment of panic – and remember how it turned into intense pain. Pain like I have never known. I cried until my voice no longer sounded like myself. (I have a Tennessee accent – my friends told me that I completely lost it in that time frame.) I felt like my world came crashing down… And then a few days later, I am left to sift through the ruins of what was once my life. But I am still living. And I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, know how to do just that. I know it seems simple, breathe in and out. Never thought that would be such a difficult task.
But for those of you who knew Shaun, he was die hard ravens fan. Committed to the core. Got a tattoo of them. But the way he loved them – was intense. He “WAS” a raven. And he is my raven. But I did a little research about the ravens, cause I am a research kind of girl. And here is what PBS told me…
“Long recognized as one of the most intelligent birds, the raven also has a less than savory image throughout history as a scavenger that does not discriminate between humans and animals. Ingenious and versatile, ravens are members of the crow family, which includes jays and magpies. They are found everywhere in the northern hemisphere and adapt to very different terrain, from deserts to mountains — a feat requiring high intelligence.”
That’s the main idea.. but then I realize how true a raven Shaun was. He was brilliant. And he made people nervous sometimes. He was big, tall, tattooed, and had a deep voice. He was bald and fierce looking – and beautiful. He could adapt anywhere he went. He was open-minded. And would figure out how to make the best of any dire situation. And although I know that he would be broken hearted in this situation, he would fly. Because that’s who he was.
So, I have to do the same. I have to cling to the idea of what would he do in this situation. He would stay focused on God, the kids, and whatever it was the he needed to do to make sure they were okay. He would be on his knees begging God for answers – and clinging to everyone that he got. And I am going to let him lead now. Just like he always did. I am going to do exactly what he would do. I am going to do what he would tell me to do. And he would cry, and would be sad, and would struggle. But he would be okay in the end.
So here is my prayer. God please help me – help me fly like he would – I am waiting to be rescued from this pain and grief – I cling to your promises – Help ease my pain – and help me see that my Raven is flying – and still protecting and guarding my heart.
So, Shaun, Fly – my Raven – Fly…. And one day I will get to fly alongside you… but maybe I will be an Eagle… (That part is kinda funny if you know us – He was a Baltimore Ravens Fan – I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan…).