Tonight I was going through videos on my iPhone, because I filmed one of Jacoby today. It just stemmed me to start looking at them. And then I found a couple videos that I had saved that Shaun had sent me. Shaun is filming the whole time, but you can hear him talking. One of the videos, is of Jacoby, walking all by himself in Wal-Mart. It was right when Jacoby first started walking, and so, to us – it was quite a big deal. At the end – Shaun says into the speaker, “I love you, baby.” Well, I looked at my phone and started straight ugly crying. Picture it – Kids run in all directions – Tariq runs to hug me – Bellla sprints upstairs to get the Kleenex’s, and Jacoby just sits at my feet and holds my big toe. (I don’t know why he does that – but he does it every time I cry. I think it’s sweet. Almost like that is the only part of me that he can completely hold in his little hand – so that’s what he does.) They all ask me the normal, “Are you okay? I’m so sorry… etc.” But what I told them was this. It wasn’t just that I miss Shaun as to why I was crying. Time goes so quickly. It seems like yesterday, Shaun was here, we were laughing and kissing – talking about Jacoby’s future and his first “football themed” party. What Happened? I still sit in shock and disbelief most nights. Nights are the worst. Nighttime is when you feel completely alone. Nighttime is when you realize that everyone is either asleep, or snuggled up with their loved ones, getting ready for bed – and you are alone. Nighttime is hard. I wonder if I will ever have another good night.
I am blessed, I know. But sometimes, I still get sad. Sad for myself – sad for my kids – sad for a lot. I guess it’s been a little bit of a sad night.