So, today = no bueno. I fell right back into some mega pit of despair. Yep, that would describe it. A pit. A big hole – with marble walls – where no matter how hard you climb – there’s nothing to grab onto -nothing to help you out. And you feel like the bottom is sinking lower. But then, all of a sudden – it feels like someone is lifting you out. Kind of like pulling – but with a zillion hands that you can’t see. And they get you out of the hole. Which is great. But what you know is this. Although they all pull you out – you are teetering on the edge of that hole – and you don’t know when you are gonna fall in again. And it’s a scary feeling.
I love him so much. And the word is Love – not lovED. And I miss him. And this is not where I thought my life would be at this point. I really didn’t. I thought I would be working, right alongside Shaun, and raising the kids. But now, I am alone. And it’s scary. But that’s not the bad part. It’s the absolute missing them. And you can’t do anything about it. You can’t go visit. You can’t catch a plane. You are here – they are there – and that’s the way it will be for an uncertain amount of time. And then, you look forward to the day that you see them again – and that sounds morbid – because that means you are dead. And you don’t want to be dead – because you have three amazing kids that you want to be with.
I can’t wait to see his smile again. My troubles disappearred when I saw it. I can’t wait to hear him sing again. I miss hearing it in the shower. I can’t wait to hear him laugh, and make a silly face, like he can. I can’t wait to see him old his kids. I can’t wait to dance with him again – and know it will never end this time. I can’t wait to feel his kiss again. I know that day is coming, I’m just going to have to wait. I bet it will be a beautiful reunion. My goodness, I love him. And thank goodness God is so faithful to us – when he gives and when he takes away – how can I not be faithful, too?