One of the hardest nights of my life…

There are things that make you think.  That make you think really hard.  And from what I have learned, those are the things that you really never wish you had to think about.  They make you think about who you really are deep down, when all the doors are closed and no one is watching.  And here is what I have found out about me.  Yes, it’s true, I am strong and tough – and can take hold of things that I never thought I could do.  But, there is that part of me that is painfully lonely.  That is just so sad.  Like the deep down, broken, type of sad.  And that just when you think you can’t hurt anymore, something happens – that makes you realize, yep – you still have a  heart, and yes – it can still hurt.  And well, that stinks.  I just wonder, at what point, this thing that I have that is known as a heart, will turn completely to steel, and quit hurting.  I guess it never will.  To have someone that always had your back, no matter what – somebody that you could talk to about anything, and lose that!?  It’s almost unbearable.
I have 3 precious kids.  And they are my world.  And I am so thankful for them.  But my goodness, how can you miss someone so much.  I search for him all the time – I really feel like I do.  And tonight, I feel broken.  Just broken.  That’s the only word that I know.  I go through my days, and I have two identities.  I am Kristie, the Geico employee.  Then, at 3:30 – I turn into Kristie, the momma.  I have lost Kristie, the girl that Shaun loved.  I don’t know where she went.  I miss her, too.  I feel like not only, did I lose Shaun,  I lost a part of me.  And I don’t know where she went – and no matter how hard I try – I can’t find her.  A big chunk of my happiness is gone.  I just want it back.  That’s all.  So, I am gonna cry my eyes out – and see if that helps.  And then I am going to go to bed.  And call tomorrow a new day.  And maybe, just maybe, she will show up tomorrow.  I can always hope, right?

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