That’s a question that I have been asked a few times…. and here’s my answer – Publicly. So, I would assume there is not a reason to ask anymore. I watched a video by a buddy of mine, Bill Harris, and a the best tattoo artist here in Fredericksburg. Bill is a local artist here, who is phenomenal- and Kenny – is an amazing tattoo artist. He’s been in National Geographic – and can make your dreams come true in a tattoo. But this is what he said, “He is a softy, and his tattoos are his nerd armor.” Well, my look is my nerd armor. That’s all. I only want the people who “know me” and “love me” no matter what – inside. To others, I want to give the appearance to leave me alone.
Because, I am going to break it down for ya. I am broken. I am a broken human – and the only reason that I am still on the face of this earth is by the grace of my God. That’s all. He wants me here for some reason-and what that is specifically, that I am not sure of. But he gave me three beautiful children, which I am forever thankful. So, I am thrilled to be here and teach them the way they should go – but I will not be vulnerable again. I won’t be hurt again if I can help. I want to be approachable, but I am guarded. All of this might sound like an oxymoron, and I am quite aware that it does. But I don’t know any other way to say it.
I don’t wish what I have been through on anyone, not ever. But I wish that everyone could understand. It is a lonely and scary existence. I would give anything to have him back. To make my life the way it was 6 months ago. I was so happy then. I am so happy for those that knew me then, so at least there is a living and breathing legacy of someone who knew me in the “before”. Knew what I was like when I was happy and unguarded.
But here is who I am now. I am a guarded woman of three kids. I will do everything to protect myself, my children, and the legacy of my husband. I have ambition. I won’t be a ‘stupid girl’. It’s up to me to change my future. And it’s gonna be an awesome one. So let’s roll. I am quite sure I have no idea what my future holds, but I am sure it is going to be fabulous. Because as long as I have breathe in my body – I will make sure it is. Even if I do feel at times, like I am dying on the inside.