Why do I look the way I do?

That’s a question that I have been asked a few times…. and here’s my answer – Publicly.  So, I would assume there is not a reason to ask anymore.  I watched a video by a buddy of mine, Bill Harris, and a the best tattoo artist here in Fredericksburg.  Bill is a local artist here, who is phenomenal- and Kenny – is an amazing tattoo artist.  He’s been in National Geographic – and can make your dreams come true in a tattoo.  But this is what he said, “He is a softy, and his tattoos are his nerd armor.”  Well, my look is my nerd armor.  That’s all.  I only want the people who “know me” and “love me” no matter what – inside. To others,  I want to give the appearance to leave me alone.
Because, I am going to break it down for ya.  I am broken.  I am a broken human – and the only reason that I am still on the face of this earth is by the grace of my God.  That’s all.  He wants me here for some reason-and what that is specifically,  that I am not sure of.  But he gave me three beautiful children, which I am forever thankful.  So, I am thrilled to be here and teach them the way they should go – but I will not be vulnerable again.  I won’t be hurt again if I can help.  I want to be approachable, but I am guarded.  All of this might sound like an oxymoron, and I am quite aware that it does.  But I don’t know any other way to say it.
I don’t wish what I have been through on anyone, not ever.  But I wish that everyone could understand.  It is a lonely and scary existence.  I would give anything to have him back.  To make my life the way it was 6 months ago.  I was so happy then.  I am so happy for those that knew me then, so at least there is a living and breathing legacy of someone who knew me in the “before”.  Knew what I was like when I was happy and unguarded.

But here is who I am now.  I am a guarded woman of three kids.  I will do everything to protect myself, my children, and the legacy of my husband.   I have ambition.  I won’t be a ‘stupid girl’.    It’s up to me to change my future.  And it’s gonna be an awesome one.  So let’s roll.  I am quite sure I have no idea what my future holds, but I am sure it is going to be fabulous.  Because as long as I have breathe in my body – I will make sure it is.  Even if I do feel at times, like I am dying on the inside.

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