Messages from the Grave…

Today is mine and Shaun’s anniversary.  It was a long time coming.  I know that if you follow this blog, or know me at all – you know the tumultous relationship we had up until that point, and it was truly a day for celebration.  Jeremey married us on a pier in downtown Fredericksburg.  It was a gloomy morning, and then while the ceremony was going on – the sun came through the clouds, and it was perfect.  It was never on my radar that in less than a year he would be gone.  It was a new beginning.  I felt like I had finally gotten it right.

But God’s plan was bigger than mine.  Still is.  And for a reason I will never know – part of his plan was to call Shaun home.  But I do know this, I am loved.  God gave me an amazing man with Scott.  A man who loves me unconditionally.  A man who is not intimidated by my past with Shaun.  A man who is supportive.  Who believes in me.  Who lets me cry when I need to.  Who understands that just because Shaun died – doesn’t mean my love for him did.  And he knows that my love for Shaun is not related to my love for him.

As soon as I typed that – I just disagreed with myself.  I am a better wife because of Shaun.  A better mom.  A better friend.  I know how fleeting life is.  I know it’s important to love as hard as you possibly can.  I will never let a day go by without telling Scott how much I love him.  And I know that would make Shaun smile.  He would be proud of that for me. Shaun would be so happy at how good Scott is to the kids.  Let me rephrase that – I know that Shaun is happy for that. 

So today is bittersweet for me.  Shaun and I finally got it right – and I am thankful it was better late than never.  I know where Shaun is.  Not a doubt in my mind.  I know that God orchestrated my life to get me where I am right now.  It is absolutely amazing if you sit back and look, and see just how intricate God’s plan can be.  And this morning when I got to work, I was thinking about all of that.   And then my message arrived.  And although he isn’t here – he still cares. 

I will never feel like the days we had were enough.  There were many things I wish I said.  I have cried 1000x more tears than the words I wished I said.  So I am content.  I am grateful.  And I know that love and peace can surpass death anyday. 

And Scott, Thank you for being you.  And loving me.  Hot mess and all.  I love you.

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