I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today. But, on my drive home – I changed my mind. So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance. I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun. Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death. And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back. And he said to me, “I view death differently. Although it is sad that they are gone – I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person.” And as he said that, it stung my heart. It made me take a different turn. And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun. I really am. That being said, today still sucks. This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day. I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.
On my drive home, I thought about that – blasting my iPod in the background. And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone. I have done things I never would have thought possible. I have spoken in front of crowds. I have started a blog. A website. I have helped people. I have worked my fingers to the bone. I scrimped and saved. I struggled. I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups. My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could. I never knew – the level of passion and protection I could have for them. I thought I knew before, but I had no idea. I am proud of the woman I have become.
But, that being said – there are some bad that came with it. I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over. I can be vicious. But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad. I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren’t as dramatic as mine. But I am working on that. I want to help people be happy. I want people to love like there is no tomorrow. I want them to know what I know – without the journey to go with it.
So here is what I am trying to say. Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever. I love you. I always will. And I will make you proud. I promise that. So, below, I am posting a song. I love this version. Listen to it – all the way through. I feel like the first part, is me. The second part, is what Shaun would sing back. I knew the first time I heard this – It strung a chord in my heart. I didn’t realize until today – why. And if you wanna know how I feel – that nails it. 100%. I can’t write it down any better than he can sing it.
I watched my husband commit slow suicide over the course of our 18 yr marriage. He left me broke with 2 teenagers. Our daughter will soon not BE our daughter anymore. She seems to think her daddy would be proud of her life choices. I am only sure that he would still love her as much as I do. But I struggle on a minute to minute basis. it's been 6 yrs for us. We've recovered, and moved past the drowning grief, I'm finding my new normal and helping others the way I was helped. Be Blessed.
Nadine, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it's wickedly hard. Thinking of you guys tonight, and hoping you find peace. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Your courage is inspiring. Keep going. Strong women like you make the world go round.
Thank you so much. That means so much to me!
Nadine, I am so sorry for all you have went through. I know it is hard. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your encouragement!