I don’t have the answer to my own question.
The only answer I have is “Me”. I’m really happy. And as I type this, I am crying a little. So, there ya have it. You can cry and still be totally happy. But I am not crying in mourning, per se. It still breaks my heart for the girl that used to be. I am not her anymore, though.
Five years ago…
I woke up. Like everyday. Walked downstairs – and had no idea that my whole life had changed.
I screamed and cried until I had no voice.
Everything felt like it was crashing down. I was so scared… and then the pain and anguish hit. I didn’t see an end. I saw every single “future memories” that would never happen together. It lasted a really long time.
I woke up. Like everyday. And I smiled. I sang a little gangsta rap/reggae as I got ready. I am happy.
I am loved. I have great friends. Great family. And God has healed that broken and seared mess that used to be my heart. I feel optimistic. I plan. I enjoy every breath. Every single minute. And I sit back in awe, at the fact that my life is where it is. And I feel joyful for that.
The people who know me, here in Florida, never met that girl. That don’t define me by the things she went through. They just know “this me”. And sometimes, I am thankful for that. But sometimes, I wish they knew her, too. Just to see how far I’ve come. And understand, why I am who I am.
I make it a point to hug people who need it. Smile. Laugh. And enjoy every minute I can. God has been so faithful to me. There’s a song by Stephen Curtiss Chapman, that says “When you give and when You take away, even then great is your faithfulness”. I couldn’t be a better representation of that. And I know I don’t deserve it, but I am thankful for it.
I know this journey isn’t over. And it never will be. But today, I feel like I am cruising at a good speed in a great car – and enjoying the drive.
I never planned my life to be this hard. Have these problems. But I am grateful for who I am now because of them.