This is a blog I wrote on a different site back in 2013. A friend reminded me of this last week. I re-read this one, and it made me laugh. And I thought I’d share it again.
Ok, ok, I don’t have a personality disorder. But hang with me, and you will get where I am going. For all of those who are shoppers extraordinare, you are probably aware of the Nordstrom line that was at Target. I wasn’t much into it, because it still seemed mega pricey to me – especially to be at Target, but there was a dress I was in love with. It looked like something that Michelle Obama would wear. And I don’t care what your politics are – that is a beautiful woman, who dresses amazing, and carries herself like a champ. One of the few women that can make biceps look elegant in a sleeveless dress. I just knew if I owned this dress, I would be the same. Striking, elegant, commanding the attention of others, in a demure way. But, it was $99.99, and I didn’t think all those things should cost that much from Target.
Well, my friend from work informed me that she purchased said dress last week for 50% off!!!! Now, that, I would consider. So off to Target we go on our lunch break, so I too, can own a Michelle Obama dress. What began to transpire is a horror story – something that shouldn’t happen to anyone. Ever. We walk in – and there it is – Not at the price point of $49.99 – but $29.99!!!!!! (Sorry Target, I know your Nordstrom stuff didn’t do great – but this excited me!) So, I rummage through the dresses, find my size, and almost sprint to the dressing room. I know I am going to look beautiful in this dress. I have to. The dress is so gorgeous!!!! And then…… I put it on.
Boy, was I wrong. Let’s just say, it was cut in a way up front, that showed more than what it should have on my body type. I’ll just say it – THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH BOOB! (One of those things when on a different shape it would look amazing – not knocking the dress – just me in the dress.) And it isn’t the type of dress where I could wear a tank top under it. So, a touch sad, I start to take it off. And then tragedy befalls me. The zipper will not budge. It zips up to the bottom of your neck – and it wouldn’t budge an inch. At all. I wrangle myself enough out of the dress to get it twisted around so the zipper is now in front, thinking that would get me a better hold on it. Still will not budge. I start to panic. I am trapped half naked in what I once thought was an amazing dress. Bet that stuff doesn’t happen to Michelle Obama.
Then I had an epiphany. I pick up my cell phone and call my friend who came with me. You can imagine that short conversation – and she comes to the dressing room. What does she do? Start cracking up. I have to admit – it was probably quite a sight – me all red-faced and panic stricken, dress half down and backwards – frantically telling her to help me. She tries, and guess what – ITS STUCK!!!! When you see concern in your friends face, you know it’s time to worry. We work and work, and she finally breaks me free. It was intense. I hug her and do a little dance of jubilation in the dressing room. I have never gotten dressed so fast in my entire life.
Me. The dress. And Michelle.
I blog this to tell you this…. My lessons from the Dressing Room, if you will…
1. I am not Michelle Obama. 2. Don’t take stock in material things – you might think that they may make you feel one way – but, it reality it will be the exact opposite – and maybe much worse. 3. Always take your cell phone into a dressing room. 4. Your true friends will always be there for you – no matter the situation – and never take that for granted. 5. No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse. Always. And people are always there to help you. Let them help you – and don’t be afraid to ask. 6. And did I say make sure you take your cell phone into a dressing room? 7. Never underestimate the power of the secret service – I guarantee they wouldn’t have let her get trapped in that dress.
So here is what I am saying, no matter how bad your situation? People can help you if you take the initiative to help yourself. And no matter how dire the situation seems? There is an end to it – it will resolve itself. It’s been a few days – and I am not in the dress. I hope I made you laugh, and think – cause this was one a bit embarrassing – ehhh… shoot – It’s funny.
I know, we learned this as little kids. But I am not talking about your standard – “Don’t lie.” I am talking about tell your truth. Yours. The dialogue that runs in your head. What is that truth?
For the past 10 years, I think I have suffered with some type of identity crisis. No seriously, I think I did. Around January – February of this year. Everything seemed jumbled, and then it slowly began to come into focus. I am a big fan of self – help, meditation, prayer, the bible, journaling, all of it. And I used all of these tools for years, but it wasn’t until the past couple of months – that I surrendered.
Surrender, you say? That seems dramatic. Yes. It is dramatic. And here is how. You see above how I said I love the bible? Well, since I was a little kid – I was brought up in church. I knew these verses – I just never thought to actually apply them. Yeah, I know – I am a quick learner.
“ ‘Do not steal. “ ‘Do not lie. “ ‘Do not deceive one another. ” – Leviticus 19:11. An honest witness does not deceive, but a false witness pours out lies. Proverbs 14:5 And well, that’s just a couple.
Now you might be sitting there and saying, “Well, Kristie – I am glad you have gotten your pathological lying in check, but I don’t have that issue. ” Well first of all Karen, that’s not what I am talking about. But second of all – I think we all struggle with this a little more than we think.
I have a therapist. And she is great. Why do I need a therapist? WE ALL NEED A THERAPIST! Now, maybe you have one. Maybe you have a girlfriend, sister, someone else – who steps in as a therapist. Me, personally – I like having the outside perspective. I have girlfriends I can talk to – but guess what? They love me. If I’m mad – they are mad. We are a team. So, I need someone who will say – “Kristie, you are wrong and you are being crazy.” Jan loves doing that.
So. Here is my big lie. And maybe yours, too. It’s only two words – and I used it like a badge of honor. You ready? —– “I’m fine.” ——- That’s it. I always acted like everything was fine. And to be honest, the last ten years of my life – not really fine. There’s been a lot of good, don’t get me wrong, but there’s been a lot of bad. And it’s only been in the past 6 months or so – that I have gotten comfortable with saying what my truth’s are.
I have had some medical bills. I have struggled in silence with those. Well, mostly silence. And finally I had enough. I made a decision. That decision was going to require me to be vulnerable, and tell the truth. I decided to implement Dave Ramsey’s plan to pay off all my bills, rather than just staying afloat, and making everyone else thing everything was perfect. That meant, telling those in my tribe. My friends, my kids, and to be honest, some people I work with. Why did I have to tell them? Because they were going to see a change. I am on a budget – a strict budget – so extracurricular stuff is gone for awhile. I am not being rude, I am not being distant. I am just being broke. But I am choosing broke for now, so I can be great later. That’s my truth. My truth isn’t that everything is fine. Because it isn’t. My truth is that it will be. So guess what I did. I told my friends. My family. My co-workers (that I am close with, anyway). I told them that I was going to start selling stuff that I/we didn’t use. I was going to throw every penny at my bills, and get them paid off ASAP. And guess what?
Every single person was nothing but supportive. Even my kids. Even Jacoby. No one thought any less of me. No one acted like I was some irresponsible 40 something screw-up. And to be honest? Most everyone either then told me about their financial struggles, either present or past. Gave me great ideas, and also said – ‘I’m proud of you. I know it’s scary. You can do it.’ They are right. I can.
Next, and here is a big one – I think especially for women. Let your loved ones know what you need. Just let them know. Jan said to me, ‘One day – You are going to have to actually say what you need. People aren’t mind readers. It isn’t being selfish. It isn’t being weak. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you aren’t okay with something. Because if they react negatively? Either they can’t do what you ask – so you change your expectation, or you accept it and progress. You shouldn’t suffer and worry in limbo. So, at least then – you can determine where you place that relationship.’
Well, Jan. What if they don’t say what you want them to? What if you want them to love you? Need you? What if you want to be the apple of their eye? You want them to see you as strong? The go-to friend? The best daughter? An amazing girlfriend? The best employee ever? Telling someone what you need – THAT’S WEAK! I said this, not quite so eloquently, to her. She folded her legs up underneath her and shook her head. “I didn’t say it was easy. I said you needed to do it. But if you wanna suffer, hey – go ahead. But this piece of advice isn’t going to change. People aren’t mind readers – as much as we might want them to be.”
So, months later. I did it. (Listen, don’t judge me. I didn’t say I was obedient. Or a quick study.) But I did it. I started talking to those I trust and have relationships with. I told them about my trust issues. I told them about my fears. I told them when I felt ignored. Or not wanted. I told them when I just wanted to be alone. Once I started telling, it got a little easier. And guess what happened? Some of the folks – not all, but some. Started telling me back. And guess what? We are closer than ever. Some, have just listened to what I said. Some, have listened and told me that they couldn’t do what I needed. But guess what. Every scenario was a win. Everyone. Because one, relationships grew. And I was told how to love them better. And even in the situation where I was told that they couldn’t do what I needed? It wasn’t mean. It was just – they couldn’t. I can’t be mad at that, and I now have realistic expectations.
Listen, I still struggle. The act of being vulnerable and admitting you have a heart and feelings – well for me – that sucks. I’d much rather be viewed as the “tough, I don’t care, I’ll fight you then spit in your grave” type person, than the one who is tender hearted and cries by herself at night. I’d much rather be seen as tough, than the girl who is afraid that she will never be loved the way she loves. I’d much rather be seen as distant and cold, than for anyone to know – just how much I would give for those I love, and how I am scared to death that no one will ever love me back that way – and maybe, I don’t deserve it. I’d rather be seen as a bully, than the tenderhearted woman that I actually am.
Because once you see that side of me? The soft side? I feel like you can ruin me. I feel like you can hurt me like no one else can. And when someone has been hurt? Well, like my momma says, ” A burnt child, dreads the fire.” So, I guess – I have been afraid of the fire. Not anymore.
Well, that I lie. I am scared of it. But what scares me more? Missing some amazing opportunities, to self preserve.
This is not what I intended on writing about. At all. But if you haven’t seen this show on Netflix, called “Botched Up Bodies”. Watch it.
Well, wait a second. If you have a weak stomach, or you are weak of heart – don’t watch it. But seriously. I am traumatized from seeing it. Completely.
Disclaimer: I am not opposed to plastic surgery in anyway, shape, or form. I believe, that if you can afford it, and it makes you feel better about yourself – do it! But please, make sure that you are doing it for yourself.
Botched Up Bodies is a show from the UK. It shows some of their top plastic surgeons, who are fixing the terrible work of either inept surgeons, black market, or faulty surgeries. What I saw was horrifying. It also broke my heart. Some of these people, had been miserable for years after their procedures. And most, have suffered actual medical problems, that they didn’t have to begin with. All stemming from surgery. For example, a nose job that went wrong – that actually caused sinus damage and prevented breathing from one nostril.
Then it got into injections. People had been injected with bathroom sealer. Into their faces, their bottoms, their breasts. I can’t. Just the whole idea makes me feel all twirly.
So, Kristie. Why are you writing this? Cause it happens. And I don’t want it to happen to anyone. Because it was horrible. A lady lost her hands and feet from it. And was grateful, because it could have been her life. She said, “We live in a world where we want what we want, and we want it now, and don’t do the work to get it.”
That hit home with me. We want the new cars. The fancy clothes. The perfect bodies. But are we willing to do the work? And of course, there are somethings that we can do nothing about through exercise, etc. But then, shouldn’t we do the work to be able to save to go to a reputable physician? That answer is an astounding yes.
Because, guys. Being pretty isn’t worth dying over. It just isn’t. Before you do anything voluntarily to yourself, make sure – you do your research. You know that the person is reputable, and you understand the possible side effects. I know, not my regular type of post. But seriously. It was scary – and made me think.
Today is my son’s birthday. My oldest. My first. And today, he is no longer a teenager.
Wow. I don’t know how that happened.
It seems like just yesterday, he was playing in the floor, asking for a “Kit Kat Big Kat”. Loving on his momma. Always wanting to crawl up on my lap and watch Blues Clues. Backstory, I lived in Tucson, Arizona when he was born. And we didn’t really know anyone but a few military folks. It was just us. But it was all we needed.
Tariq and I went on a ton of adventures together when we lived in Arizona. We drove to Las Vegas, in a Toyota Echo. We went to San Diego. Although he was only two or three, there was something about him, that made me feel strong. Little did I know how much that would always be true.
We ended up moving to Northern Virginia, and lived there for about 10 years. In that time frame, he went through alot. But that kid never lost his smile. And he was always there for his momma.
When we moved to Florida, he morphed again. He got involved in the choir program. And this kid found his beautiful voice. High school was calm for us. There were no issues. You hear nightmare stories about kids in high school – I have yet to experience it. (I pray I never do.) Now, he is twenty. And I am shook.
You see, this kid wasn’t the football quarter back. He wasn’t the most popular boy in school. He didn’t make a 4.9 GPA and receive a full ride to college. He didn’t do any of that. Let me tell you what he did do.
When his stepdad died, he sat with me and held my hand. And since that day, he has helped raise his brother and sister. From helping with laundry, to fixing lunches, to checking homework (I cannot do this new-fangled math.) But now, it’s different.
Somebody Loves his brother!
Now, my little baby boy is a grown man. This twenty year old man has seen more in his twenty years that many have in a lifetime. His heart is huge. A few months back, maybe more, I was sick as a dog. Puking – whole nine. He sat in the floor with me. When I was having health issues and they were trying to figure out what was wrong, I would wake up at night and he would be laying in the floor beside me. That’s something we do as parents to our kids, I never thought about them doing to us. When I was sad, he would just hug me. Not say a word. Not pry (he knows better, LOL!) – just hug me.
I can come home, and no one is there. Why? He took his brother and sister out to dinner. I get a text, asking permission to take his little brother to the new Marvel movie. AND HE PAYS. This kid works full-time, and is putting himself through college. He is involved in an adult choir, and last year went to Ireland – this upcoming year, Austria. He is smart, hard-working, and loves his family. I might have given birth to this man, but more than once – he has given me life.
When people ask me how I stay so strong? I’ll tell ya. It’s him. He never let’s my crown slip. He treats my like a queen. I love you, Tariq.
The blog that is written below – I wrote back in 2013. I stumbled upon it yesterday, and it made me smile and have some serious awe and gratitude. So, i thought I’d share it with you guys. Enjoy!
Ok, maybe my most important post on either of my blogs. This is one of those ground shaking moments in my life. And it all started with a monkey – Well, gorilla acutally – name Baraka. Long story short – my family and I went to the Smithsonian zoo on Saturday. Beautiful day in the District. It was 65 degrees – blue sky – not too crowded. Just absolutely perfect. We were all having fun – and I saw “The Great Ape House”. My kids and I went in, and it was the coolest thing ever! Seeing the gorillas hopping around – putting on a show, almost. I was sitting on the steps watching my kiddos look through the glass. And you ever have that feeling someone is staring at you? Well, I had it. And I looked. And it was definitely a 350 pound gorilla – who I later found out is named Baraka.
Well, Baraka and I got in a staredown competition. And finally, when the crowd thinned out – I walked up to the glass. And Baraka, who had been sitting alone the whole time – watching the other gorillas and staring at me – got up. He got and walked directly over to me. And then, through the glass – with about an inch of glass separating us – we stood eye to eye. Nose to nose. Lip to lip. I have never been that close to any wild animal ever. And his eyes. They were full of expression and feeling. It was like looking into a human’s eyes. And my heart fell in love with him at that moment. I have had dogs and cats growing up – and loved them. But never ever have I ever seen such expression. I have thought about that precious gorilla ever since.
Now I know I sound a touch wackadoo – so be it. It’s true. But then my brain began a long thought process and research adventure. Now understand – I am a huge nerd. Geology and Paleontology are my passions. I love science. Science makes sense. Science explains so many things. From how to make coffee to cancer treatment – it’s science. So I started researching why gorillas are so humanlike. In the eyes. And here is what I learned.
We are similar. Genetically similar. God made us that way. Which is amazing to me. And one thing that I learned about us, in this research is something called Laminin. Now, what this stuff is a protein. Pretty cool – it’s the stuff that holds our cells together. Kinda of like the “gorilla glue” of our body. Get it? That’s some punny stuff. Yes, I meant punny.
Then my sister – told me about this guy Louie Gigilio – so I started to randomly listen to his podcasts. And guess what he talked about it one. LAMININ! How is that possible you say? Because God wanted this girl to really realize how tuned in he is to me. To each of us. If we will just listen. And here is a cool quick fact about Laminin. It’s shaped like a cross. Look it up. I am so not kidding. Then, Mr. Gigilio quoted Colossians 1:15-17. If you don’t know what it says, here ya go:
“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”
Now that is wicked cool. It’s not something that we don’t know per se. But when you think about how God made all things, cell by cell – bit by bit. He created amazing animals. Our human bodies. Our planet. He knew that a blue sky and green trees would look beautiful together. Our bodies are the most intricate machines ever. And I believe we take all that for granted. So today, think about it. Be thankful for it. And realize how amazing our entire lives are. How blessed we are.
If we are being honest, I had to have my friend cut my Spanx off with scissors. Twice. I swear – no joke. The second time, I swore them off. And I haven’t looked back.
If you don’t know what Spanx is, it’s a modern day torture device. (No offense, Spanx lovers. I just can’t hang.) For real though, they are shapewear. I was talking to a friend of mine about this blog – and she didn’t know what they were either, so here is a brief summary. They are undergarments. That are super tight. And they are made to lift your booty, flatten your tummy, and smooth out any wrinkles, dips, or crevices that you don’t want seen through your clothes. Think skin tight dress.
Understand, it wasn’t recent that Krissie had to cut my SPANX off. It was like 10 years ago. I have been SPANX free ever since. But picture it. We had went to a Chamber of Commerce event. I had on a gorgeous dress that was fitted. I was super self-conscious of my tummy and thighs in this dress, though. Well, let’s put on some SPANX. Voila! My body was looking pretty good, if I do say so myself.
For the first couple of hours, I was ok. Those suckers were tight, but I was good. I was feeling confident knowing that I was all tucked in. Then we sat. And then I felt the top start to roll down. (Please note * the SPANX I had on were a short style. They came to mid-thigh, and then top came to below my chest. Think Steve Urkele pants height.) AS THEY ROLLED, IT BECAME TIGHTER AND TIGHTER. I look down, and my top fat was jumping right out. Mortified, I quickly go to the bathroom to put them back in their proper position.
In the bathroom stall, I take my dress off. I had too, because the way it was fitted, I couldn’t get it back to proper height. I unroll the top of the SPANX to try to get it back in the original positon. But that wasn’t happening. I guess I left it in the roll down position too long. Me, being an astute and crafty woman – I am not swayed. I jack those up a little bit more, and tuck it under my bra. I would like to state, in case you aren’t clear, the level of sexy there was like nothing I had ever seen before. Literally.
I get dressed again, and go out to the event. My friend and I sat there for another hour, and I leaned over to her and told her I had to get out of there, I was so uncomfortable I had started to sweat. Krissie is that type of girl who takes action. She gave me her keys, told me to go directly to the car, and she said our goodbyes and got us out of their quick, acting like I wasn’t feeling well.
She gets in the car, and asks me what is wrong. I begin to freak. “THESE STUPID SPANX IS ROLLING DOWN! I HAD TO TAKE MY DRESS OFF IN THE BATHROOM! TUCK THE TOP UP IN MY BRA! NOW… THEY ARE ROLLING AGAIN, AND I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE HAS A CABLE AROUND MY WAIST AND IS SLOWLY TRYING TO SEVERE MY TORSO!” She side-eyed me while she drove. I knew she wanted to laugh, but was gonna hold it in until I was less hostile.
My SPANX hero, Krissie. Right around the time that he rescue had to happen.
We get home and I start stripping as I walk in. Shoes… Dress…. I am gonna get those things off. But, I couldn’t. I am not kidding here guys. I literally could not get them off.
I start to pull them down, and they are so tight around my waist, that I can’t even really get my thumbs into the top. I make it into my bathroom, and I catch a glimpse of my reflection. I was sweaty, and my top looked all weird and distorted compared to my bottom. The SPANX had created some type of two dimensional universe all on my body. I take a deep breath, and tell myself to relax. It seemed the more I pulled and yanked, the tighter they got.
I hear a knock at the door to my bedroom. “WHAT!?”, I yelled at the door thinking my grunting and groaning had woken one of my children up. “You okay in there?” It was Krissie. I felt my eyes starting to get warm and burn because the tears were coming and about to mix with sweat. I go and open the door. And let her gaze at me in horror of the twisted SPANX mess that my life had currently become.
“So, are you stuck?”. I nod my reply. She pushed up her pajama sleeves and got to work. She coached me. She pulled. She yanked. She hollered. And then she said. “Do you want to keep these?”
“No. I never want to see them again. ” She walks out and goes to her room, and comes back with scissors. “The only way we are gonna get these off, is to cut them off.” I lift my arms over my head so she has plenty of access, and also symbolically surrender to the fact that the SPANX had won.
She began to cut. And I poured out those things like a busted can of biscuits. And as I looked at my tear-soaked face, with one cut side of spanks, yet my foot still in the leg of the other, I felt loads of humiliation and relief. My skin was all red and wrinkly. There were new lines on my skin, like what happens when you iron a shirt and didn’t realize a piece was folded over in the back. I look at Krissie and I hug her, and I tell her that I am so glad it was her and no one else. We began to laugh a little. Then we laughed hard. I swore off SPANX that day.
My SPANX story is really applicable to many facets of our life, though. I had an idea of what I wanted to people to see as. A certain view. I didn’t want any of my flaws to show. But I wanted the look, the respect that would I felt would come from me rockin’ that dress in an hour glass shape. What I didn’t want to do, was the work that it would take to wear that dress, they way I wanted it to look. So, I made a shortcut. And it didn’t work out well for me at all.
What I should have done was either fix myself or accept myself. Now understand, this isn’t pro-SPANX or anti-SPANX. Think bigger. This isn’t about body shaming or body positivity. My body was just fine. It was my heart and mind that wasn’t. And I am not dogging SPANX in anyway, shape or form. Or the people that wear them. I actually know some people who like the feeling of wearing of them. We can’t be friends, because I can’t understand your soul, but I know them. (I kid, I kid.)
This is a heart issue. My heart issue. If there is something you don’t like about yourself, you can change it or accept it. But most importantly, own your decision. If you don’t like your GPA, you can study more. If you don’t like your speed at running a mile, you can practice. If you don’t like your biceps, you can go to the gym and get the bigger.
On the flip-side, if you don’t like your GPA – maybe you accept it. Maybe you say, I have a 3.1 GPA. I study, but school doesn’t consume me, and I have a social life. Could I cut some things out and make it higher? Sure. But right now it isn’t important to me. I am satisfied with the balance of school and play, and I am satisfied.
Using the GPA as an example, here is the danger zone. The SPANX arena of life, if you will. When you struggle academically. But, instead of owning your truth that academics doesn’t naturally to you, you stay up all hours of the night trying to study. You take uppers or drink energy drinks, to cram for the final. Because you believe, that if you don’t give the perception of easy academic excellence, somehow people will think adversely of you. Maybe you want the praise. Maybe you believe that if they really knew you – you would be all alone and sad.
I’ve been there. In some areas, I am still there. But everyday I am working on it. I have people in my life, who I trust so much – I can tell them my whole truth. And just like Krissie sat with me in my humiliation, they sit with me in my truth. That truth can be shameful, embarrassing, humiliating, scary, and sometimes just plain weird. Sometimes we end up laughing. Sometimes we end up crying. But every time, I feel like I took a boulder out of my proverbial backpack of issues. Guys, everyone has issues. Everyone. No one gets out of here unscathed. But once we start talking about our fears and insecurities, and just lay them out there, others seem to disarm also.
So, I said I had to cut them off twice, right? Well, it’s true. I swore them off for good. I went years without wearing them. It was about 5 years ago, and my insecurity came marching in like a high school band. I was going to an event for the company that I worked for. The CEO was going to be there, there would be photos, and I wanted to look perfect. I decided to trade my go to sense of style, for something more regal. Regal meant very tailored. Like, tightly tailored. And it began. Insecurity won. And I purchased another pair of SPANX.
I regretted it. Again, two hours or so into it, I knew what I had to do. I walked out of the event and went to an employee and asked if they had any scissors. They did. I marched to restroom, stripped, and got to cutting. In thirty seconds, I was free of that mess. I got dressed again, walked out the bathroom stall and threw them in the trash. A lady was at the vanity touching up her make-up. She sees me carrying cloth while I walk out. I show her the scissors and the wadded up/cut up SPANX in my hand. And I look at her and say, “I said this once before, but this time I mean it. I am never ever wearing SPANX again.”
She laughs and says, “Those are of the devil. I can’t breathe with them on. ” I look at myself in the mirror after she says that. I feel good. I can breathe. And I see the line that I wanted to cover. You want to know what the line was? Where my leg connects to my torso. Guess who noticed? Probably only me. I walked out, and enjoyed (I mean as much as you can for a work function), the rest of the day.
Now, I only wear clothing that I am comfortable in. If it would require me to change my shape, it stays at the store. When some of the trends are not designed for me, I own it. And do my own thing.
Now guys, I don’t have this stuff figured out. Yes, I am actively practicing self-acceptance. I am learning to be more transparent and authentic – and trying everyday. I am in the trenches right along with you. Some days, I fail. And I fail miserably. But hey, once you see the problems and work to fix them, the easier it is to recognize the old behaviors – and well, “cut them away.” But sometimes, you need that friend – that person- who will sit with you and laugh and cry, why they help you cut it away.
I stress out over money. Big time. That’s a fact. I am single mom of three. From health insurance, to groceries, light bill, extra curricular activities, gas – well, I operate kissing the red line more often than not. And my closest friends – know this. And I decided to be vulnerable and share this – because I know I an not alone. (And wait until my book comes out – you can find out a WHOLE BIG BUNCH of my financial fears and worries – aren’t you excited!? LOL!)
First, and the most important thing for you to know – is you are not alone! A lot of people struggle with finances. And here’s some startling facts. To begin with, in a recent survey put out by Bizrate – the number one cause of stress in America? You got it. Money. And if you are anything like me, there is some comfort in knowing I am not alone.
Second reason? Almost 75% of people surveyed – didn’t have a three month emergency fund. Once again, I am in good company. LOL! Less than half of the respondents, would have the funds or access to funds (meaning credit cards, etc.) to cover a 1000 dollar emergency. This is probaby the reason why most people say that “unexpected expenses” are there biggest concerns.
Why am I randomly giving you facts? Because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. And just because you struggle financially – does not mean you are a loser. It doesn’t mean you are dumb. And it doesn’t mean you are irresponsible. You might have had moments of being irresponsible that made it worse – but you are a human.
Listen, I have made my own situation worse before – so I don’t mean that judgmentally. I am just saying – I get it. I, personally, have random times where I feel complete panic and think I might burst into tears – over finances. I wake up sometimes in a sweat and I am panicking. But you know what else I know? This is only temporary. I haven’t always struggled financially, and in a couple years, with God’s help and everyone’s prayers, I am sure I will be fine.
But isn’t it this middle that stinks? Brene Brown said, “The middle is messy, but that’s where the magic happens.” You want to know what I have learned about struggling in the middle? It teaches you to be grateful. It gives you goals. And it can keep you focused. I look forward to the day, where I can just go to the grocery store and get what I need without running a tally in my head. But for now, I am grateful that I am able to run a tally in my head, and can purchase groceries. Some people go hungry. I am grateful for every single thing I have been given. And I might have to hustle and work hard to make ends meet – But guess what guys. It’s worth it. I am learning so much. And if I hadn’t went through this – I wouldn’t have.
Check out those dolla billz in my glasses! (And yes… that photo has all the filters. No shame in my filter game when I took that. I had just spent 10 hours on a bus.)
Here is a thing that I have learned that helps me. When I panic, I talk it out. Sometimes it’s to God and my friends, sometimes it’s to God alone. But when I do, I realize it will be ok. I also do positive affirmations in my mind. I will just think, “You are on the right road to financial freedom. It’s just a curvy and bumpy one.” And what’s my idea of financial freedom? No bills but house bills/insurance/groceries. No medical bills, no car payments, no credit cards. It’s not 2.5 million dollars. Not mansions. Not fancy cars.
Another funny thing that has happened in my ‘middle’? I am the happiest I have been. I feel so loved. My pack is an amazing group who rally around me. Encourage me. And still say – you have to keep writing. Keep doing this. It’s important work. So yeah, I might sit up at night working on my book and writing blogs – but hey. I can sleep when I’m dead.
So here is what I am saying. I’m no Suze Orman, Dave Ramsey, or any other financial guru. I am not here to give financial advise. If you are in a tough financial season – you are not alone. I’m in the trenches too. I cry too. I get waves of panic that take my breath. I look at my kids sometimes, and feel so guilty because I can’t take them on a proper vacation. But here we are, all in this together. And hey- be grateful I’m in it with you, I make pretty good company! But on a serious note, WE can get through it. So hey – keep praying for me for and I will pray for you, too!
Let’s be honest – being a single parent/married parent – or just an aunt trying to have fun with some kids – can be EXPENSIVE! My budget is so tight this year, you can almost hear the seams ripping in the process. That being said – I still want to give my kids a summer to remember, so here are a few of my plans that won’t cost you a penny!
Winter Garden, FL
1. SPLASH PAD!– I live in Winter Garden, Florida. In our downtown area – there is a splash pad. Pack a few sandwiches, throw them in a backpack, and go down there. I don’t get in a splash pad myself – but I have seen parents wear their swimsuits and walk through it. It’s great fun for the kids, and you can get some serious reading done if you want! DON’T FORGET THE SUNSCREEN!
2. SCAVENGER HUNT! – A scavenger hunt is a little bit of work with a whole lot of payoff. Now, my kids are 20(almost), 16, and 9. My suggestion is this. Tailor it to the kids level. There are a ton of ideas that you can do! I live in a neighborhood, and I am fan of the photo scavenger hunts. That’s where you have to take picture of something with the clue. Use your cell phone! And for my youngest, I can let him borrow an ipod, have one of the bigger ones go with him, or actually have him gather. What’s fun? If it’s way too hot…. you can do this in a mall! And have all the kids work together! Some examples could be, 1.Film your sister doing 10 jumping jacks in front of the fountain! 2. Ask an employee at H&M their middle name. 3. Find the letters “ch” together in the name of the store. And that’s just a few! You can get on Pinterest and find a ton of list ideas ! I take a few of those and make them my own! Just type it up in word/notes on your phone/ and text or print it out! (This can also make a fun date night, just sayin’.)
3. OUTDOOR/INDOOR MOVIES – This is gonna sound basic, but it’s fun. Put your TV in the garage. Get on Netflix. And watch a movie. If you don’t have a garage, put it in a window. Live in an apartment? Put it on the balcony. Now take blankets, air mattresses, whatever you got, pile em up. And lay down and watch a movie. Why? One , you get fresh air. Two, it’s a change of scenery. Three, It’s the intention. Of course you could watch TV on the couch. Or a movie. But it’s the whole plan of making everyone be together, and setting the intention of having fun. And trust me – they will remember. And if you have TV’s outside already? Change the seating – the key here is intention.
4. FAMILY GAME NIGHT/NEW LOCATION – Ok, I love the idea of family game night. I don’t do it – but I love the idea of it. I am going to try to make a part of my life this upcoming school year, but we will see. I love this because it’s intentional, again. Here’s how I do it. Cook dinner (or make a sandwich- judgement free zone, here.) And head to the closest park with a picnic table. I recommend doing this around 7 or 8. Take a card game, or a time managing board game. (We aren’t talking about monopoly or something that can be hours – cause guys, it will get dark.) But it’s a fun time, and it’s alot better to be in a new spot. It really seems to make the kids talk more, especially the older ones.
5. BIKE RIDES/HIKE ON THE TRAILOR BECOME A LOCAL HISTORIAN– As we already established, I live in Florida. And lucky for me, I am surrounded by nature trails. This is easy – just go. Walk, ride, whichever. But notice things along the way. If you do this all the time? Go a different way. Start at a new location. Now, here is another fun part – become a local historian! You and your kids research your city. A specific fact or location. Read about it. Now, trek over to the spot. And you (or whichever kid) becomes the teacher! This is fun, and I like to try to find the most obscure and random facts!
6. CHALK PAINT/BOMBS/ART – So much fun. And you can do this in a driveway, parking spot, anywhere there is asphalt. (If you live in an area without a driveway, check with your complex, chalk comes off, and they might just ask you to clean after play – and you just need a bucket of water. Also, check in the downtown area. Many places close at 5 or may not open until 10. Ask if your kids could do some chalk art in their lot! ) Now, if you want to buy chalk – hit up the dollar tree. They have it. Saw it this past weekend. If you don’t have the dollar tree, or want to make your own, here’s how ya do it.
A little chalk photo shoot!
You will need a muffin tin, cornstarch, food coloring, and paper towels. I recommend that you do this outside!
I fill up the muffin tin about halfway up with the cornstarch.
Then, add a few drops of food coloring at a time, mixing in between.
Next, water. I also do this a little at a time, until I get my desired texture. and Voila! Chalk paint hack.
If you want to do the bombs, which are hilariously fun – make the mixture super thin. Then pour it into a pump bottle. Pump the mixture into balloons. There you go!
I also recommend doing a photo shoot. We have done this – actually as a gift for my parents. And it is so adorable. Think it out, and let them get creative! These pictures can have some great memories, and also – might be making some gifts in the future to save you some more money come Holiday time! Nothing like planning your Christmas gifts in JULY!
I hope you can use one or all these ideas, and have some fun with them! I would love to hear what are some of your cost effective summer ideas to do with the kids! Please comment below or send me a message… and sidebar, all of these would be fun date ideas, also!
“If what I am experiencing is heartbreak, then grieving is inevitable.” – Brene’ Brown
Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of Shaun’s death. Should we even call it an anniversary? I mean, Webster’s defines an anniversary as this:
Definition of anniversary
1: the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event
a wedding anniversary broadly: a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years
the 6-month anniversary of the accident
2: the celebration of an anniversary
Webster’s Online Dictionary
So, I guess according to Webster’s ‘anniversary’ is the right term. Was yesterday hard? No. Not really. It was no harder or no better than any other day. I say this, because, every day, since the day of his death, he has been gone. Profound statement, right? The “anniversary” of the date, for me, means more to others than to me. I remember it all the time. The anniversary date – others remember. I have lived with the grief of his death for years.
Grief. What is it? It’s a lot of things to different people. Now, my grief is basically for my son. I have worked through my own over the years. I struggle with the fact though, that my son never got to know his father. I see that as a total tragedy. So to me, my definition of grief, is missing something that we never got to have. Missing the memories that will never get to be made. And this, this one thing – I can’t fix for him.
As a mom, we want to protect our kids and help them through the things life throws at them. This one thing, I can’t help. And I am not gonna lie, once I came to grips with the loss that I felt, I got angry. Rationally speaking, I know that Shaun couldn’t help it that he died. I know that. I was still angry, though. It has taken a lot of work, to forgive him. This is the best way I can describe it for those that haven’t lived it. Consider ‘your person’. Whether it be your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, adult child – pick one. Now, how would you feel, if they just up and left. No goodbye. No kisses. And you knew they up and left to live a millionaire lifestyle, where they could never get sick, never suffer, and could be eternally happy -and to do so, they had to leave like that. Do you want the best for your loved one? Yes. Would you feel resentful? Of course. Resentful that you are here, to pick up the pieces. Resentful over the plans that you had made together, and now they just dipped out. Resentful over having to be sad, while they are having a good time. I have been resentful over leaving me to tell a kid how it’s okay that his father is in heaven. Because, let’s be honest – it sucks for him.
Guess what I did, though? I forgave him. Forgiveness, that is the biggest way you can show love, right? I mean, I know I am so grateful for the folks who have forgiven me in my past, and I am grateful for the folks who will forgive me in the future. Forgiving, not only makes live better for you , it does for everyone. This is whether you are the forgiver or forgive-ee.
So, This is my “anniversary” post. I live Shaun’s death everyday. Not that it is always a conscious thing, but it is definitely something that impacted my whole life and makes me who I am today. Shaun was forgiven. So I forgave him, too. I am also doing a pretty good job raising his little boy, if I do say so myself. Although, I need to give credit where credit is due – I have had an army of people, rally around me. An army of people, held me up when I couldn’t stand alone. And today? It’s the same. Even in a new town – my support system, and those who love me are incredible. My children and I have been so blessed by those around us. I am forever grateful. I was looking for a pic to capture Shaun and Jacoby, I knew the one I wanted – but I guess that it is hidden in my archives somewhere. I ran across this one. And that is a true capture of him.
If you are struggling with Grief, talk to someone. Find a support system or group. And work on forgiveness. I say work on it – because it isn’t that simple.
We have been deep for way too long on this blog, so lets lighten it up today! Often times, in here, and my everyday life, I get some pretty killer compliments. One being – my hair. Let’s start there.
First of all – my hair stylist is the best hair stylist in the whole entire world. So, as far as my fantastic hair goes, she gets all the glory. She is a true visionary, and when you are searching for a stylist – make sure that you aren’t going for price as much as skill. I say this, because she can tell me what will look horrible, and what will look great. She tells me what can be done, and what can’t be done. She gives me realistic expectations. That’s so important.
You wanna hear a misnomer that hear I everyday!? “I love your hair! I wish I could do that! There is no way I could do that!” Yes there is. I promise. You can. Now, you might be scared to do it. You might be afraid of what it looks like. You might use your hair as a security blanket. All those are good reasons not to do it. But – I can’t? Yeah, that’s not a reason. In my opinion, you only live once. And I read somewhere, that people on their deathbeds only regret the things that they never tried. Not the things they tried and failed. So, dye your hair pink. Cut it off. Grow it out. Do you.
Now let’s talk about clothes. And here is the best piece of advice that I can give you where it comes to fashion. Pinterest. Now, I have public pinterest boards and private pinterest boards. My true fashion ones, are private. And here is my methodology. I will type in some of my fashion Icons. Here are some of mine – Pink, Marilyn Monroe, all of Michael Costello’s work, Kate Middleton, Grace Kelly, Michelle Obama, and Blake Lively. I look at images of them. Then, I pin them. And here is why – I will take an outfit that I see of theirs, and do my own version. With things in my closet already. You can get so much inspiration from looking at the way these folks dress, and add your own spin. I mean, c’mon. They have stylists dressing them all the time. That they pay a lot of money for. I get color ideas, pattern mixes, that I wouldn’t have thought of.
Lastly, and the most important to me. Confidence. You wanna look good? Then feel good. I rarely leave the house if I don’t feel good about my appearance. I want you to think about the day that you looked the most beautiful or the most handsome. Where you felt the best about yourself. Now pick five more. What was the commonality? Here is a commonality of mine.
In everyone, I had my hair great – my makeup fantastic, and heels. So, I can’t wear heels everyday – I work in a bodyshop. But, every chance I get, I throw on a cute pair of stilettos – you better believe I do it. Also, I ain’t rich. But I budget for my hair and makeup. It’s much more important to me to have my hair and makeup – than it is to go out to eat. Notice, none of those things had to do with my weight, because that fluctuates. But when my hair, makeup, and heels are on – I feel like I can take on the world.
So, what are the things that make you feel the most confident? Can you mimic those often? If you can’t , what could you do so you can? Like, we all know that confidence comes from within, of course. But let’s not lie, we all feel better when we look better.
Let’s own our everyday runway’s stronger than Lady Gaga. Below are some of my faves from the past 6 years.
BRAZEN 