Today is mine and Shaun’s anniversary.  It was a long time coming.  I know that if you follow this blog, or know me at all – you know the tumultous relationship we had up until that point, and it was truly a day for celebration.  Jeremey married us on a pier in downtown Fredericksburg.  It was a gloomy morning, and then while the ceremony was going on – the sun came through the clouds, and it was perfect.  It was never on my radar that in less than a year he would be gone.  It was a new beginning.  I felt like I had finally gotten it right.

But God’s plan was bigger than mine.  Still is.  And for a reason I will never know – part of his plan was to call Shaun home.  But I do know this, I am loved.  God gave me an amazing man with Scott.  A man who loves me unconditionally.  A man who is not intimidated by my past with Shaun.  A man who is supportive.  Who believes in me.  Who lets me cry when I need to.  Who understands that just because Shaun died – doesn’t mean my love for him did.  And he knows that my love for Shaun is not related to my love for him.

As soon as I typed that – I just disagreed with myself.  I am a better wife because of Shaun.  A better mom.  A better friend.  I know how fleeting life is.  I know it’s important to love as hard as you possibly can.  I will never let a day go by without telling Scott how much I love him.  And I know that would make Shaun smile.  He would be proud of that for me. Shaun would be so happy at how good Scott is to the kids.  Let me rephrase that – I know that Shaun is happy for that. 

So today is bittersweet for me.  Shaun and I finally got it right – and I am thankful it was better late than never.  I know where Shaun is.  Not a doubt in my mind.  I know that God orchestrated my life to get me where I am right now.  It is absolutely amazing if you sit back and look, and see just how intricate God’s plan can be.  And this morning when I got to work, I was thinking about all of that.   And then my message arrived.  And although he isn’t here – he still cares. 

I will never feel like the days we had were enough.  There were many things I wish I said.  I have cried 1000x more tears than the words I wished I said.  So I am content.  I am grateful.  And I know that love and peace can surpass death anyday. 

And Scott, Thank you for being you.  And loving me.  Hot mess and all.  I love you.

Just thought I would give you an update.  Good things are brewing in my life.  And I just want to say – It is amazing – If you trust God, lean on him – how he can turn a tragedy into a work of art.   There is not a day that goes by, that I don’t think about Shaun.  But now, I can smile.   And I can smile at where my life is now.  I can appreciate just how important every minute is.  And for that I am grateful.  I  am working on a new site… A new project… A new calling, if you will.  So continue to pray for me – and that I can do God’s desire for my life – and do it in an amazing way.  I have to say – I can’t wait for what he has in store for me.

It’s been awhile since I posted…. and to be honest – I just haven’t had a whole lot to say.  And I am not gonna lie….The song by Staind is where this title came from.  It has been awhile – for a whole lot of things.

By purusing blogs like I do, I have learned a lot.  One is a statistic – and being of the scientific background that I am, I love statistics.  But being a widow at the age of 33 occurs in less than 1% of the population.  Go figure.  I am one to defy all odds.

In the timeframe that he’s been gone I have done a whole lot.  I have dwelled upon his death.  I tried to understand it.  I have written extensively about him – just to try to understand.  I have had hours of counseling.  I’ve renewed my spirit through friendships.  I found someone that I adore and love.  I have grieved in ways I didn’t even know that were possible.

Dr. Phil said it takes a defining moment  to make a profound change to occur once you reach adulthood.  Shaun’s death was that event.  And I am forever changed.  But I have to say this, and I don’t want it to come across crass, but it’s true.  I am a better person for it.  I am thankful, appreciative, calmer.  I don’t anger as easy.  I make sure that my loved ones know they are loved.  I hug a little longer, kiss more, and try to listen with an open mind.  I cherish life a lot more, and worry a lot less. No one will live on this earth without loss – It’s just how you cope with it.

I am not the same Kristie I was before Shaun died.  But, I do believe that I am done with grieving.  I will now cherish the memories with a smile.  Sure, there will be times I cry.  But I want to make those tears of happiness.  Gratefulness.  Because he touched my life in ways that will never go away.  We have a beautiful child , and that alone, is something that I cannot ever thank him enough for.  Although he makes me nuts sometimes, he is one amazing kid.

When Shaun died, my world crumbled.  The whole world felt alien and hostile.  I had a dream where I was in a house with dark wood paneling, and he couldn’t speak.  All he did was hold me with tears in his eyes… It was almost like an apology.  I was haunted by that dream for a long time.  But now, I have a future that makes me smile.  I look forward to the future, and all the possibilities that it brings.  I have rebuilt my life – and it doesn’t exclude Shaun, but it puts him in a place of happiness – not one of pain.

Shaun would be happy where I am at.  I haven’t died.  My children need me.  I need them.  I need Scott.  Losing him taught me that nothing is definitely safe.  So love and be loved.  I am thankful to experience every sensation that I have.  Love, pain, sadness, annoyance – you name it… It all means that I am alive.

My foundation is strong.  I am strong.

And this all came from reflecting on our son’s 3rd Birthday.  So, Happy Birthday Jacoby.  You are the sweetest three year old on this planet.  Daddy is your angel up in heaven… and you are my angel here on earth (along with your brother, sister and Scott).

We have eternity – so let’s enjoy today.

This holiday is the hardest this is the one where I remember his huge smile. The most relaxed I ever saw him. The happiest. Playing football in the back yard with his nephews. Helping my daddy chop a tree down. It wads picturesque weekend of happiness. I miss that day. I know he is happy and complete now- but there isn’t a day that goes by, that I don’t miss him. Not one.

So, this might seem somewhat astute, but the power of God amazes me. And here is what I mean by that. Yesterday at church, my pastor was talking about if you want to hear God speak to you, look at how he has before. Well as he said that, I started talking to God in my head. Mind you, to the average onlooker, I looked deep in concentration on what my pastor was saying, but really, I was having a one on one conversation with God.

Now, if you have read this blog much, you know that I talk to God pretty bluntly. I mean, he knows what I am thinking anyway, so might as well be brutally honest. And it’s kinda funny, everytime I start – I try to start eloquently – but that quickly fails – and I am back to being blunt. And I guess in a way I was accusing him. Asking him, why isn’t it so plain to me like it seems to be for everyone else. I began to rationalize to him – I believe in you, you know that, so can you make this easier? I want to do your will. I don’t know what it is, but I want to do it. Just show me – text me – call me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Yep, I really thought that – not schizophrenic, just thought it might be easier, ya know?) I couldn’t understand why it seemed so clear for some and not me.

Then in my head popped up the book, the blog. And I said to him, and I am quoting my thoughts/prayers here “Is this you popping this in my head, because I want to write and blog? Because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it feels like a chore – and I do the ‘I will do it later’. Or is this a gift that you have given me, and I will never be completely satisfied until I do it? I DON’T KNOW! (Yes, I was screaming in my head.) I mean, I have been through a whole lot. Can you cut me a break? I need a break. I need this to be a little easier. A little plainer. “ It went on and on. I blamed him for making me a widow, then thanked him for giving me faith and comfort through it all. I accused and praised – it was pretty intense in my head. I asked him to show me plainly. Something to where I knew it was him, and no one else.

So, I get on facebook – and I have a friend request from someone I don’t know. And then I noticed I had a message from the same someone. And she tells me to read what she put on her facebook wall. And I did. And well, I guess God has a sense of humor- but he spoke loud and clear to me. This sweet woman stumbled upon my blog, and her first line, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I had discussed that with God earlier. Was all this a coincidence with the writing. Guess he was telling her through me – “Nope. No such thing.” So, Wendy, as ou thanked me for the blog, let me thank you – You helped me. More than you could know. I cry while I write this, because a new peace is found in myself. I know that the creator of the sun and stars, can hear little old me. He loves me. He wants me to obey him, and I am not as insignificant as I sometimes feel. He loves and cares for me individually – and that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. And he gave me a cross to bear, a story to tell, and I will continue to do it with thankfulness and honor – for the gifts he’s given me. My God is wonderful. I can’t say it enough – loud enough – long enough.

It’s been awhile now – and I still think about that day – everyday.  Multiple times a day.  I look at my son and think about how I will explain it.  I am so heartbroken over it – angry over it – and feel angry at myself for being happy.  It’s an awful feeling to feel guilty for being happy.  And I know he would want it.  I know he would.  But it is still there – and I suppose it always will be.  He will always be a part of me, so I will always miss him.  I wish it wouldn’t always hurt – but it does.

It’s one of those nights, where I wonder if I am permanently broken. Maybe even permanently positive. Because I truly know how bad things can be. I just wonder if it makes me hard to know. Where I need to be more compassionate. More sensitive. But sometimes – I just feel like most things are petty.