Tag: friendship

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So, Long time no talk, ammirite?

You wanna know why?  Because I have been trying to keep myself sane and my head above water.  First, you won’t believe it. 

I had Covid. 

Sure did.  The ‘rona caught up with me.  To be fair, I did okay.  Some of my co-workers struggled a lot more than I did.  I felt achy and had a headache.  Basically it.  OH!  And I lost my sense of taste.  It’s like getting tackled on the two yard line.  I got so close…. but in the end, she showed up and got me.  Luckily – no one else caught it, and I am now Covid free! And can I tell you, I was so scared.  This is Bella’s senior year, her graduation is tomorrow, and if I had missed it – That would have been terrible. 

I don’t mean that to make light of it in anyway.  I know how blessed I am that it wasn’t worse.  One of my dearest friends and his wife, they were both down for two weeks – and still not completely well.  I have had friends in the hospital, and know people who have lost family members to it. I was very, very blessed and lucky.

Now, let’s go on to something a little more uplifting, shall we?

Remember the lady that called me names, etc?  The one who made me cry in a facebook live video like Chris Crocker crying over Brittney Spears? I saw her.  I saw her in real life.  Face to face.  And let me tell you – Jesus and his angels must have came down and handcuffed my wrists and paralyzed my feet because it took everything I had to not call her out in front of the crowd that was there. Not to walk up and punch her square in the jaw.  I wanted to. I am human.  I really wanted to.  Guess what guys – I was the bigger person. I looked at her.  I saw that her daughter was with her.  I wouldn’t embarrass her in front of her kid.  (There is one difference between us), but I got another lesson in this. I really did.

I have never been that close to her.  In my whole life.  She was like 8 feet away.  And I realized that she was older than me.  Like, I knew she was older than me.  But I saw it.  She is a lovely woman (in appearance), but she visibly her age.  And It shocked me – that someone who looks that age, would act that way. And I know there is no age gap on gossip, meanness, or stupidity.  We all know that – but to be fair, it is the first time I ever encountered it.  You can expect that from girls. Even young women.   But to see someone over 50 – acting like a 20 year old.  It made me sad for her. 

And for clarity – it took about 5 days for that sadness to set in.  Definitely wanted to fight her for the first five.  Again, I’m human.  But when I thought on it – how sad it must be to feel the need to  spin stories on others’ lives for your own entertainment. Or maybe make yourself feel important? Some level of dissatisfaction has to be there. 

I want to make a declarative statement – God’s children fail.  We all do.  This woman is very Christian on her social media.  I want to make it clear – gossip, idle chatter – this is not okay.  This is not the way we as believers should behave.  Nor should we sit in judgement of others.  That is why I choose to pity her, and pray that my heart lets go of its anger.  We are getting there.

But I want to add, for anyone who may need to hear this, we know gossip is bad. Even so, we find it all too prevalent in society. Worst yet, it’s in our churches.

There are many reasons people struggle with this appalling, divisive, and detrimental act. One of the more obvious ones is justifying it because the gossiper believes what he or she is spreading is true. This is a basic misunderstanding many of us have, so let’s clear it up.

Biblically, gossip is sharing information that ought not be shared. It may or may not be true.

This is where we assume too much concerning gossip. Too many people think it’s OK to share information that shouldn’t be shared, because they believe it is true. So they justify sharing personal, private information that is nobody’s business to share. In their minds it’s fine to destroy things like relationships and reputations because, “Hey, if it’s true, they deserve it.”

Slander is spreading false information. We need to understand that one can be gossiping and slandering at the same time, and one can be gossiping and not slandering at the same time. In other words, gossip can be true and slander is false.

Some information is nobody’s business to share. So what if you have the dirt on somebody else? Why is it OK for you to spread other people’s personal and/or private information?

Jesus said, “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (ESV).

True or not, don’t share others’ personal and/or private things. That’s gossip.

“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends”

Both of those are from Proverbs. You want more info about gossip and what believers should do– there are a lot of great pastors out there who speak about it.  Pastor Jeff Adams at Paramount Christian Church has some great articles about it.

*Edited to add – Graduation was a huge success.  The podcast is going to launch in a couple weeks, and I am so happy in my life right now.  Thanks guys for always standing behind me.

Love Fully.  Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

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This is a blog I wrote on a different site back in 2013. A friend reminded me of this last week. I re-read this one, and it made me laugh. And I thought I’d share it again.

Ok, ok, I don’t have a personality disorder.  But hang with me, and you will get where I am going.  For all of those who are shoppers extraordinare, you are probably aware of the Nordstrom line that was at Target.  I wasn’t much into it, because it still seemed mega pricey to me – especially to be at Target, but there was a dress I was in love with.  It looked like something that Michelle Obama would wear.  And I don’t care what your politics are – that is a beautiful woman, who dresses amazing, and carries herself like a champ.  One of the few women that can make biceps look elegant in a sleeveless dress.  I just knew if I owned this dress, I would be the same.  Striking, elegant, commanding the attention of others, in a  demure way.  But, it was $99.99, and I didn’t think all those things should cost that much from Target. 

Well, my friend from work informed me that she purchased said dress last week for 50% off!!!! Now, that, I would consider.  So off to Target we go on our lunch break, so I too, can own a Michelle Obama dress.  What began to transpire is a horror story – something that shouldn’t happen to anyone.  Ever.  We walk in – and there it is – Not at the price point of $49.99 – but $29.99!!!!!! (Sorry Target, I know your Nordstrom stuff didn’t do great – but this excited me!)  So, I rummage through the dresses, find my size, and almost sprint to the dressing room.  I know I am going to look beautiful in this dress.  I have to.  The dress is so gorgeous!!!!  And then…… I put it on. 

Boy, was I wrong.  Let’s just say, it was cut in a way up front, that showed more than what it should have on my body type.  I’ll just say it – THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH BOOB!  (One of those things when on a different shape it would look amazing – not knocking the dress – just me in the dress.) And it isn’t the type of dress where I could wear a tank top under it.  So, a touch sad, I start to take it off. And then tragedy befalls me.  The zipper will not budge.  It zips up to the bottom of your neck – and it wouldn’t budge an inch. At all.  I wrangle myself enough out of the dress to get it twisted around so the zipper is now in front, thinking that would get me a better hold on it.  Still will not budge.  I start to panic.  I am trapped half naked in what I once thought was an amazing dress.  Bet that stuff doesn’t happen to Michelle Obama.

Then I had an epiphany.  I pick up my cell phone and call my friend who came with me.  You can imagine that short conversation – and she comes to the dressing room.  What does she do?  Start cracking up.  I have to admit – it was probably quite a sight – me all red-faced and panic stricken, dress half down and backwards – frantically telling her to help me.  She tries, and guess what – ITS STUCK!!!!  When you see concern in your friends face, you know it’s time to worry.  We work and work, and she finally breaks me free.  It was intense.  I hug her and do a little dance of jubilation in the dressing room.  I have never gotten dressed so fast in my entire life.

Me. The dress. And Michelle.

I blog this to tell you this….  My lessons from the Dressing Room, if you will…

1.  I am not Michelle Obama.
2.  Don’t take stock in material things – you might think that they may make you feel one way – but, it reality it will be the exact opposite – and maybe much worse.
3.  Always take your cell phone into a dressing room. 
4.  Your true friends will always be there for you – no matter the situation – and never take that for granted.
5.  No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse.  Always.  And people are always there to help you.  Let them help you – and don’t be afraid to ask.
6.  And did I say make sure you take your cell phone into a dressing room?
7.  Never underestimate the power of the secret service – I guarantee they wouldn’t have let her get trapped in that dress.

So here is what I am saying, no matter how bad your situation? People can help you if you take the initiative to help yourself.  And no matter how dire the situation seems?  There is an end to it – it will resolve itself.  It’s been a few days – and I am not in the dress.  I hope I made you laugh, and think – cause this was one a bit embarrassing – ehhh… shoot – It’s funny.

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I love me some Neal Sekada. He killed it with that song. And why does it make you want to dance? I mean it’s such a happy tune, to be a song about being sad. But I want to talk to you about breaking up, for real. Because, to be honest. It sucks.

Now , most people have experienced a break up in their lives once you hit adulthood. Whether it is a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse – or all the above. And goodness, its hard. And if you still love the person -and are the “dumpee” it hurts. You might feel abandoned, hurt, betrayed, scared, you name it. You might even feel victimized.

It also hurts when you are the one who has to make the break-up happen. Maybe you still love the person, but it’s unhealthy (yes – that can happen). Maybe you are afraid of being alone. Maybe you are afraid that you will never be loved by anyone else. Maybe you don’ t want to upset family members. Maybe you are afraid of what other people will think. And really, let’s be honest. It’s plain hard. There is going to be things that have to happen. Moving. Crying. Court papers, maybe.

I wrote about this part because I have been on both sides of the coin. I have been dumped. And I have dumped. All that – is from personal experience. By the time I had hit my mid-30’s, I figured I understood all the feelings around break- ups… Until the unthinkable happened. Two times, in two years. What is the chance of that!?

It was a friendship breakup. I got broken up with by two of my best female friends. Almost a year apart to the day. And ladies, if you are reading this – well, now ya know how it affected me. The first one, broke up with me when I split with an ex. She was on his side. But here is the thing – there wasn’t a side. I understand that I met her through him, and she had loyalty to him. We had also at this point been close for 5 years. That’s a lot of time. Girls nights. Dinners. Laughing by the pool. Taking care of each other’s kids. I had told her a lot about myself, and I didn’t normally do that. I really felt like we were close – like super close.

And then it happened, I got the text. Now, I laugh about it time and again. And say “I got broken up with via text message.” But to be honest, it literally broke my heart. It broke my heart like any other break-up would. This was someone I loved, cared about, and had allowed into my life – and I got a text. Not a phone call. Not a lunch. A text. And a text that ended with, “I don’t need you to reply.” Like, wow. I sat there and stared at my phone. I was shook. She told me that she was hurt that I hadn’t told her our marriage issues. She told me that she felt like I wasn’t there for her during a hard time of her life. And I am not gonna lie. I sat there – stunned. Completely and totally stunned.

You see, in my mind – I had told her more than anyone. I had told her I had marriage issues. That I was struggling. She told me about a YouTube therapist that she had seen, and raved about it. In all fairness, I checked it out. And yes, they were talented. But in that moment I realized, she had never heard my issues. My marital issues needed a lot more than a YouTube therapist. Not that I hadn’t told her. She hadn’t heard it. Let that sink in. I am not blaming her and I am not blaming me. It just wasn’t good communication. That being said, she has text me a couple of times over the past year or so, letting me know one thing or another. It will never be the same, though.

Next, was a friend of mine that I was even closer to. We used to talk on the phone for hours. Go to Disney together. IT WAS GREAT! I loved this girl. She was with me through a job transition, a split, and a ton of other things. I was with her through moves, her struggles, and and helped like a best friend should. Now – I am not going to get into all that she went through – that’s her story, not mine. But trust me when I say, It was a lot. She trusted me with a lot. As I did her. That being said, she ended up going through a whole whole whole lot – and then *poof*! She vanished. Like vanished. I called. She didn’t answer. About a month after she semi-vanished, she called me. I was so pumped to hear from her. She apologized for being distant. She told me that she had gotten a new job, and was working on a lot of personal things, but that she loved me. I told her I understood, and if she needed anything – I would be there.

And I haven’t heard from her since.

I mean, maybe she is still working on stuff? Probably. But, no matter what – I got dumped.

So why am I writing this? I am telling you – Sister, you aren’t alone. If you have experienced a best friend break-up – it’s one of the worst feelings out there. It can seem/and honestly is – worse than a romantic break-up. I mean let’s be honest, if you are a good friend, you have put in hours of attention, respect, work, and love. These relationships are intimate – and personal! Think of what you share with a best friend! Here is another thing I realized in the second one, she called me crying all the time. Wanting help and advice. Sometimes filled with rage and jealousy. It all just depended on the day. I, in-turn, became over invested in her issues. I took them on personally. That wasn’t good for me, or for my relationships.

In some situations, in the romantic realm, we think we might can work it out. It might even be stronger. But when you have that ‘best friend’ relationship – and it’s pummeled and broken up with… Yeah. It is never going to be the same. And when you felt like the relationship was great – (I mean, best friends after all)- it can’t come back stronger. The first break-up though, the one I got the text from- I was able to handle that better. Why, you ask? Was she not as close? I think it all boiled down to the fact that at least I knew I was being broken up with and why. Like when you are dating someone, there is a break-up. Like, “it’s over, and I want my stuff back.” Or , “Let’s still be friends..” Whatever. You communicate it. She communicated it very one-sided. But still. She communicated it. I knew.

The second one, I had ‘no terms of the break-up’, for lack of better explanation. Like, are we ever going to speak again? What do I do if I see you in public? Do your kids know what happened? – I was sad. So sad. And shed quite a few tears over those break-ups. When you are in a romantic relationship – you are shocked when it’s over and you experience days, maybe even weeks of heartbreak and sadness. But this? I wasn’t ready, and I definitely didn’t see it coming. And who do you tell? Who do you talk it through with? Well guess what – not them, they aren’t there. So, that being said – you can also feel totally alone. The person that you are used to telling when you are upset – gone.

Now that time has rolled on by, I still miss them both. I have also realized a few things about me. And learned a lot. I am a much better judge of character than I used to be. Much better. I am also much more cautious, as to who I let it. And that’s okay! I am not saying that I am some ice queen who lets no one in – I am just able to view, adjust, give, and receive in a manner that is comfortable for me. In both of the above relationships – I gave a whole lot more than I received. In time, effort, prayer, worry, thought, you name it. Not only can I see it now, but even people on the outside of our relationships saw it. And I am not saying that they are needy, attention sucking, self serving women. They aren’t. But for whatever reason, it wasn’t good. Maybe they saw it and I couldn’t.

No matter the case, leaving a toxic relationship is hard. Recognizing the toxicity of said relationship, that too, is hard. Looking back, and seeing how far you have come, what you have learned, and how your life has been shaped in a positive way, that’s some mindful work there. Sis, if you are hurting, I am so sorry. If you have went through this, I am sorry. It does get better. Time helps. I know it’s crap to hear, but it does. And you wanna know who the real heroes are? My other friends that I slowly talked to about it. It has made those relationships stronger. I know what I need to receive in a friendship, and I know what my friends need to give. It sounds calculating – but it isn’t. Its full of love, peace, give and take. I can also easily vocalize when I am unhappy or hurt by a friend. I have found my own opinions that I can easily vocalize and express. They, in turn, listen in love. I also know what I need to give them to make them feel loved and valued. I love doing that, also. I love them!

So what now? You might be sitting there saying, Kristie – I am in the middle of this and it sucks. What do I do now!?! Well, first. Let yourself mourn. Then, accept it. That’s the best advice I can give. The next time you feel sad or alone, pick up the phone, and call someone. Nurture your new friendships. Maybe, you too, will realize that this was the best thing after all.

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On. Sat nam.

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*Disclaimer – this was written almost a month ago.  I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to post it or not.  But, today – I thought someone could benefit from it.*
I hope this helps someone today.
Too much to get into all the details – but today – I felt unappreciated.  It’s one of those things where it was weighing on my mind and heart.  Where you feel your heart, like are actually aware of the organ in your chest.  Swallowing seemed difficult.  And I felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanted to cry.  
And then,  it hit me.  I am doing what I can.  And I don’t need the outside approval of others to confirm that for myself.  So many people are focused on being  perfect, rich, smartest, best, number one, etc – and I felt like, here I am – trying to make my tribe (and all those related to it) feel  loved and valued.  While trying to productive, perfect, make money, have the best numbers, look pretty, and be noticed and successful. And I don’t feel like anyone cares or appreciates it.  And yes – I just admitted – I care about all the things that I said others focus on.  I am not judging.  I am just saying, I also try to add value and love to those I interact with first.
It hit me.  Stop focusing on feeling bad.  Focus on the fact that you are alive and happy.  Realize that not everyone is always going to behave the way you want them to.  And just because they don’t – doesn’t mean that they don’t care.  It just means – that they might be going through their own stuff.  They might not feel like they need to acknowledge it.  And honestly, why do I expect acknowledgement?  Shouldn’t I be doing it – because I mean it, I love them, and I want the best for them – with no level of expectation back? 
Absolutely.  Sometimes, things can get so overwhelming for me – I feel like I can’t breathe.  I have worn my emotions on my sleeve for years – but one day, I started choking them down.  And just because I choke them down – doesn’t mean that they aren’t there.  They just aren’t seen as visibly to everyone.    So, to everyone who tells me how strong I am – thank you.  But the only real strength I have, is being able to hide my feelings from most people.  
Here is real talk.  I am not that strong.  I am actually pretty weak.  I have basic needs.  I need to be loved.   Valued.  And appreciated.  I get lonely.  I get sad.  I get scared.  I get overwhelmed.  And all of that can happen in under thirty seconds!  Where I feel weaker – is the fact that I struggle with admitting that I am human.  There is a total of about 3 people on this planet who know that part of me.  I am grateful for them – because without them – I’d probably lose my mind.   I don’t admit it often.  But today, I thought – let it rip.  Someone needs to know it’s okay to be human, too.   But while we are being human – let’s extend some grace to our loved ones and let them be human, also. 

Because let’s be honest – our feelings aren’t facts.

Xoxo.

Kristie

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******Disclaimer – this didn’t happen today.  I wrote this a few days back… Just wasn’t sure if I wanted to publish it or not – because it makes me look quite damaged.  LOL!******

So, today – I have experienced rage to the Nth degree.  And, as I drove home – with my temper flaming, I realized something…. So here we go.

Picture it.  Meeting a few people for the first time.  A friends of one of my best friends.  I’m kinda nervous.  I am going into a place where I know very few people.  But – I’m friendly, right?  OF COURSE!  That’s my thing.  My mom says, me and my dad have never met a stranger.   And that’s true.  I get there, and everything was great!  I met everyone, thought everyone was so nice, so friendly.  Everyone was easy to talk to.  I left with a smile on my face, thinking it was a good time.

And then, BOOM!  One of the people there, a female, said she got a “bad vibe” from me.  WHAT!?  I mean…… WHAT!?  We talked.  We laughed.  We ate.  I helped her carry her packages.  She told me about her trip and hometown.  I mean, the chances of me seeing this person again – Is close to zero.

But when I heard this – it wrecked me.  And I use the term wrecked – because that’s the best way I can describe it.   I felt myself bow up.  I felt the wind leave my lungs.  I was ready to fight.  I have not felt that way in years.  Let me rephrase that, decades.  And there it was.  Fighting, blind rage.  I felt like I could punch my fist through a wall.  And to be honest – my heart rate is still a little high.

So, I am driving home from work, listening to Pink(Because that’s my ‘go to’ rage music), an trying to figure out what kind of ‘vibe’ – I could have possibly been giving.  And then it hit me, right around track 7, that it’s not me – it’s her.  I was fine, happy, and myself.  And if she doesn’t like that – that’s cool.  I began to feel myself calm somewhat.  I’m not gonna lie – not a lot – but somewhat.

Which then led me to think about, why did I react the way I did?  How did the girl with bad self-esteem, anger issues, and insecurity resurrect herself by one phrase.  I mean, I thought that hot mess was long gone.  And by a person that I met for 2 hours – and will probably never see again?  Crazy, right?  I know.  Add that to my list of things I need to work on.

But here is the difference between 10 years ago and now.  Within one hour, I recognized it’s not worth  my emotion.  Any of it.  That being said, it still hurt me.  It’s stupid, I know.  But I am just being honest.   I truly believe that energy is completely contagious.  You are gonna catch what’s around you – positive and negative.  So watch what you put out there.  It just might really hurt someone more than you know.

And I hope, one day, this lady stumbles across the blog.  And maybe she will know it was her – maybe not.  But consider the things you say – and if it isn’t positive or constructive – think before you speak.  Until that day… Thanks for giving me an awesome blogpost and giving me some awesome creativity fuel.  I recognize I am still a work in progress.  But I like myself.  Each day – I wake up and look in the mirror, and I smile back at myself.