I can begin anywhere. Every day. Any day. I can start again. I can change. My hair. My attitude. My clothes. Each day, each minute – I can begin again.
I know the only thing I am an expert in, is me. And to be honest, I am not an expert in that every single day – and that’s okay. But where any other topic is concerned? I can always learn a little more.
I choose to be grateful for my health. Everyone should be. Some day – one day – one moment, your whole world can change. You can forget who you once were, and have to find yourself again. If that happens, and you have a ‘new normal’, enjoy the hunt.
I choose to I love unapologetically. I don’t love everyone. I don’t even like everyone. What I will do though, is try my best to be nice to everyone. If you are someone I love , I am loyal to the death. I see that as flaw, to be honest. It sets you up for heartbreak. I’d rather be heartbroken, though – than not be loyal.
I will longer struggle with acceptance, because I accept myself. I have had to learn to accept my flaws, and realize it’s okay if everyone doesn’t love me.
I choose to forgive, but I don’t forget. I forgive everyone who has need of forgiveness but I can never forget what was done. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting, forgiveness is accepting and moving on.
I choose to be the best mom I am capable of. Being a great mom means letting your kids know where they are screwing up, too – not just telling them how great they are. Find balance.
I choose that I will no longer be ashamed of my past mistakes. I learned from them. They aren’t who I am now.
I choose to smile more, share more, drink good coffee. I am going to listen to others. Really listen. Like with my heart. I am going to share more. Grow my blog. Keep working on my book. Keep the negativity at bay. And, frankly. I am gonna kill it. Not in the “murderino” type of way. In a completely positive type of way. (And yes, If you get the murderino reference, we could possibly be best friends.)
This is a blog I wrote on a different site back in 2013. A friend reminded me of this last week. I re-read this one, and it made me laugh. And I thought I’d share it again.
Ok, ok, I don’t have a personality disorder. But hang with me, and you will get where I am going. For all of those who are shoppers extraordinare, you are probably aware of the Nordstrom line that was at Target. I wasn’t much into it, because it still seemed mega pricey to me – especially to be at Target, but there was a dress I was in love with. It looked like something that Michelle Obama would wear. And I don’t care what your politics are – that is a beautiful woman, who dresses amazing, and carries herself like a champ. One of the few women that can make biceps look elegant in a sleeveless dress. I just knew if I owned this dress, I would be the same. Striking, elegant, commanding the attention of others, in a demure way. But, it was $99.99, and I didn’t think all those things should cost that much from Target.
Well, my friend from work informed me that she purchased said dress last week for 50% off!!!! Now, that, I would consider. So off to Target we go on our lunch break, so I too, can own a Michelle Obama dress. What began to transpire is a horror story – something that shouldn’t happen to anyone. Ever. We walk in – and there it is – Not at the price point of $49.99 – but $29.99!!!!!! (Sorry Target, I know your Nordstrom stuff didn’t do great – but this excited me!) So, I rummage through the dresses, find my size, and almost sprint to the dressing room. I know I am going to look beautiful in this dress. I have to. The dress is so gorgeous!!!! And then…… I put it on.
Boy, was I wrong. Let’s just say, it was cut in a way up front, that showed more than what it should have on my body type. I’ll just say it – THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH BOOB! (One of those things when on a different shape it would look amazing – not knocking the dress – just me in the dress.) And it isn’t the type of dress where I could wear a tank top under it. So, a touch sad, I start to take it off. And then tragedy befalls me. The zipper will not budge. It zips up to the bottom of your neck – and it wouldn’t budge an inch. At all. I wrangle myself enough out of the dress to get it twisted around so the zipper is now in front, thinking that would get me a better hold on it. Still will not budge. I start to panic. I am trapped half naked in what I once thought was an amazing dress. Bet that stuff doesn’t happen to Michelle Obama.
Then I had an epiphany. I pick up my cell phone and call my friend who came with me. You can imagine that short conversation – and she comes to the dressing room. What does she do? Start cracking up. I have to admit – it was probably quite a sight – me all red-faced and panic stricken, dress half down and backwards – frantically telling her to help me. She tries, and guess what – ITS STUCK!!!! When you see concern in your friends face, you know it’s time to worry. We work and work, and she finally breaks me free. It was intense. I hug her and do a little dance of jubilation in the dressing room. I have never gotten dressed so fast in my entire life.
Me. The dress. And Michelle.
I blog this to tell you this…. My lessons from the Dressing Room, if you will…
1. I am not Michelle Obama. 2. Don’t take stock in material things – you might think that they may make you feel one way – but, it reality it will be the exact opposite – and maybe much worse. 3. Always take your cell phone into a dressing room. 4. Your true friends will always be there for you – no matter the situation – and never take that for granted. 5. No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse. Always. And people are always there to help you. Let them help you – and don’t be afraid to ask. 6. And did I say make sure you take your cell phone into a dressing room? 7. Never underestimate the power of the secret service – I guarantee they wouldn’t have let her get trapped in that dress.
So here is what I am saying, no matter how bad your situation? People can help you if you take the initiative to help yourself. And no matter how dire the situation seems? There is an end to it – it will resolve itself. It’s been a few days – and I am not in the dress. I hope I made you laugh, and think – cause this was one a bit embarrassing – ehhh… shoot – It’s funny.
I know, we learned this as little kids. But I am not talking about your standard – “Don’t lie.” I am talking about tell your truth. Yours. The dialogue that runs in your head. What is that truth?
For the past 10 years, I think I have suffered with some type of identity crisis. No seriously, I think I did. Around January – February of this year. Everything seemed jumbled, and then it slowly began to come into focus. I am a big fan of self – help, meditation, prayer, the bible, journaling, all of it. And I used all of these tools for years, but it wasn’t until the past couple of months – that I surrendered.
Surrender, you say? That seems dramatic. Yes. It is dramatic. And here is how. You see above how I said I love the bible? Well, since I was a little kid – I was brought up in church. I knew these verses – I just never thought to actually apply them. Yeah, I know – I am a quick learner.
“ ‘Do not steal. “ ‘Do not lie. “ ‘Do not deceive one another. ” – Leviticus 19:11. An honest witness does not deceive, but a false witness pours out lies. Proverbs 14:5 And well, that’s just a couple.
Now you might be sitting there and saying, “Well, Kristie – I am glad you have gotten your pathological lying in check, but I don’t have that issue. ” Well first of all Karen, that’s not what I am talking about. But second of all – I think we all struggle with this a little more than we think.
I have a therapist. And she is great. Why do I need a therapist? WE ALL NEED A THERAPIST! Now, maybe you have one. Maybe you have a girlfriend, sister, someone else – who steps in as a therapist. Me, personally – I like having the outside perspective. I have girlfriends I can talk to – but guess what? They love me. If I’m mad – they are mad. We are a team. So, I need someone who will say – “Kristie, you are wrong and you are being crazy.” Jan loves doing that.
So. Here is my big lie. And maybe yours, too. It’s only two words – and I used it like a badge of honor. You ready? —– “I’m fine.” ——- That’s it. I always acted like everything was fine. And to be honest, the last ten years of my life – not really fine. There’s been a lot of good, don’t get me wrong, but there’s been a lot of bad. And it’s only been in the past 6 months or so – that I have gotten comfortable with saying what my truth’s are.
I have had some medical bills. I have struggled in silence with those. Well, mostly silence. And finally I had enough. I made a decision. That decision was going to require me to be vulnerable, and tell the truth. I decided to implement Dave Ramsey’s plan to pay off all my bills, rather than just staying afloat, and making everyone else thing everything was perfect. That meant, telling those in my tribe. My friends, my kids, and to be honest, some people I work with. Why did I have to tell them? Because they were going to see a change. I am on a budget – a strict budget – so extracurricular stuff is gone for awhile. I am not being rude, I am not being distant. I am just being broke. But I am choosing broke for now, so I can be great later. That’s my truth. My truth isn’t that everything is fine. Because it isn’t. My truth is that it will be. So guess what I did. I told my friends. My family. My co-workers (that I am close with, anyway). I told them that I was going to start selling stuff that I/we didn’t use. I was going to throw every penny at my bills, and get them paid off ASAP. And guess what?
Every single person was nothing but supportive. Even my kids. Even Jacoby. No one thought any less of me. No one acted like I was some irresponsible 40 something screw-up. And to be honest? Most everyone either then told me about their financial struggles, either present or past. Gave me great ideas, and also said – ‘I’m proud of you. I know it’s scary. You can do it.’ They are right. I can.
Next, and here is a big one – I think especially for women. Let your loved ones know what you need. Just let them know. Jan said to me, ‘One day – You are going to have to actually say what you need. People aren’t mind readers. It isn’t being selfish. It isn’t being weak. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that you aren’t okay with something. Because if they react negatively? Either they can’t do what you ask – so you change your expectation, or you accept it and progress. You shouldn’t suffer and worry in limbo. So, at least then – you can determine where you place that relationship.’
Well, Jan. What if they don’t say what you want them to? What if you want them to love you? Need you? What if you want to be the apple of their eye? You want them to see you as strong? The go-to friend? The best daughter? An amazing girlfriend? The best employee ever? Telling someone what you need – THAT’S WEAK! I said this, not quite so eloquently, to her. She folded her legs up underneath her and shook her head. “I didn’t say it was easy. I said you needed to do it. But if you wanna suffer, hey – go ahead. But this piece of advice isn’t going to change. People aren’t mind readers – as much as we might want them to be.”
So, months later. I did it. (Listen, don’t judge me. I didn’t say I was obedient. Or a quick study.) But I did it. I started talking to those I trust and have relationships with. I told them about my trust issues. I told them about my fears. I told them when I felt ignored. Or not wanted. I told them when I just wanted to be alone. Once I started telling, it got a little easier. And guess what happened? Some of the folks – not all, but some. Started telling me back. And guess what? We are closer than ever. Some, have just listened to what I said. Some, have listened and told me that they couldn’t do what I needed. But guess what. Every scenario was a win. Everyone. Because one, relationships grew. And I was told how to love them better. And even in the situation where I was told that they couldn’t do what I needed? It wasn’t mean. It was just – they couldn’t. I can’t be mad at that, and I now have realistic expectations.
Listen, I still struggle. The act of being vulnerable and admitting you have a heart and feelings – well for me – that sucks. I’d much rather be viewed as the “tough, I don’t care, I’ll fight you then spit in your grave” type person, than the one who is tender hearted and cries by herself at night. I’d much rather be seen as tough, than the girl who is afraid that she will never be loved the way she loves. I’d much rather be seen as distant and cold, than for anyone to know – just how much I would give for those I love, and how I am scared to death that no one will ever love me back that way – and maybe, I don’t deserve it. I’d rather be seen as a bully, than the tenderhearted woman that I actually am.
Because once you see that side of me? The soft side? I feel like you can ruin me. I feel like you can hurt me like no one else can. And when someone has been hurt? Well, like my momma says, ” A burnt child, dreads the fire.” So, I guess – I have been afraid of the fire. Not anymore.
Well, that I lie. I am scared of it. But what scares me more? Missing some amazing opportunities, to self preserve.
“If what I am experiencing is heartbreak, then grieving is inevitable.” – Brene’ Brown
Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of Shaun’s death. Should we even call it an anniversary? I mean, Webster’s defines an anniversary as this:
Definition of anniversary
1: the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event
a wedding anniversary broadly: a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years
the 6-month anniversary of the accident
2: the celebration of an anniversary
Webster’s Online Dictionary
So, I guess according to Webster’s ‘anniversary’ is the right term. Was yesterday hard? No. Not really. It was no harder or no better than any other day. I say this, because, every day, since the day of his death, he has been gone. Profound statement, right? The “anniversary” of the date, for me, means more to others than to me. I remember it all the time. The anniversary date – others remember. I have lived with the grief of his death for years.
Grief. What is it? It’s a lot of things to different people. Now, my grief is basically for my son. I have worked through my own over the years. I struggle with the fact though, that my son never got to know his father. I see that as a total tragedy. So to me, my definition of grief, is missing something that we never got to have. Missing the memories that will never get to be made. And this, this one thing – I can’t fix for him.
As a mom, we want to protect our kids and help them through the things life throws at them. This one thing, I can’t help. And I am not gonna lie, once I came to grips with the loss that I felt, I got angry. Rationally speaking, I know that Shaun couldn’t help it that he died. I know that. I was still angry, though. It has taken a lot of work, to forgive him. This is the best way I can describe it for those that haven’t lived it. Consider ‘your person’. Whether it be your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, adult child – pick one. Now, how would you feel, if they just up and left. No goodbye. No kisses. And you knew they up and left to live a millionaire lifestyle, where they could never get sick, never suffer, and could be eternally happy -and to do so, they had to leave like that. Do you want the best for your loved one? Yes. Would you feel resentful? Of course. Resentful that you are here, to pick up the pieces. Resentful over the plans that you had made together, and now they just dipped out. Resentful over having to be sad, while they are having a good time. I have been resentful over leaving me to tell a kid how it’s okay that his father is in heaven. Because, let’s be honest – it sucks for him.
Guess what I did, though? I forgave him. Forgiveness, that is the biggest way you can show love, right? I mean, I know I am so grateful for the folks who have forgiven me in my past, and I am grateful for the folks who will forgive me in the future. Forgiving, not only makes live better for you , it does for everyone. This is whether you are the forgiver or forgive-ee.
So, This is my “anniversary” post. I live Shaun’s death everyday. Not that it is always a conscious thing, but it is definitely something that impacted my whole life and makes me who I am today. Shaun was forgiven. So I forgave him, too. I am also doing a pretty good job raising his little boy, if I do say so myself. Although, I need to give credit where credit is due – I have had an army of people, rally around me. An army of people, held me up when I couldn’t stand alone. And today? It’s the same. Even in a new town – my support system, and those who love me are incredible. My children and I have been so blessed by those around us. I am forever grateful. I was looking for a pic to capture Shaun and Jacoby, I knew the one I wanted – but I guess that it is hidden in my archives somewhere. I ran across this one. And that is a true capture of him.
If you are struggling with Grief, talk to someone. Find a support system or group. And work on forgiveness. I say work on it – because it isn’t that simple.
We have been deep for way too long on this blog, so lets lighten it up today! Often times, in here, and my everyday life, I get some pretty killer compliments. One being – my hair. Let’s start there.
First of all – my hair stylist is the best hair stylist in the whole entire world. So, as far as my fantastic hair goes, she gets all the glory. She is a true visionary, and when you are searching for a stylist – make sure that you aren’t going for price as much as skill. I say this, because she can tell me what will look horrible, and what will look great. She tells me what can be done, and what can’t be done. She gives me realistic expectations. That’s so important.
You wanna hear a misnomer that hear I everyday!? “I love your hair! I wish I could do that! There is no way I could do that!” Yes there is. I promise. You can. Now, you might be scared to do it. You might be afraid of what it looks like. You might use your hair as a security blanket. All those are good reasons not to do it. But – I can’t? Yeah, that’s not a reason. In my opinion, you only live once. And I read somewhere, that people on their deathbeds only regret the things that they never tried. Not the things they tried and failed. So, dye your hair pink. Cut it off. Grow it out. Do you.
Now let’s talk about clothes. And here is the best piece of advice that I can give you where it comes to fashion. Pinterest. Now, I have public pinterest boards and private pinterest boards. My true fashion ones, are private. And here is my methodology. I will type in some of my fashion Icons. Here are some of mine – Pink, Marilyn Monroe, all of Michael Costello’s work, Kate Middleton, Grace Kelly, Michelle Obama, and Blake Lively. I look at images of them. Then, I pin them. And here is why – I will take an outfit that I see of theirs, and do my own version. With things in my closet already. You can get so much inspiration from looking at the way these folks dress, and add your own spin. I mean, c’mon. They have stylists dressing them all the time. That they pay a lot of money for. I get color ideas, pattern mixes, that I wouldn’t have thought of.
Lastly, and the most important to me. Confidence. You wanna look good? Then feel good. I rarely leave the house if I don’t feel good about my appearance. I want you to think about the day that you looked the most beautiful or the most handsome. Where you felt the best about yourself. Now pick five more. What was the commonality? Here is a commonality of mine.
In everyone, I had my hair great – my makeup fantastic, and heels. So, I can’t wear heels everyday – I work in a bodyshop. But, every chance I get, I throw on a cute pair of stilettos – you better believe I do it. Also, I ain’t rich. But I budget for my hair and makeup. It’s much more important to me to have my hair and makeup – than it is to go out to eat. Notice, none of those things had to do with my weight, because that fluctuates. But when my hair, makeup, and heels are on – I feel like I can take on the world.
So, what are the things that make you feel the most confident? Can you mimic those often? If you can’t , what could you do so you can? Like, we all know that confidence comes from within, of course. But let’s not lie, we all feel better when we look better.
Let’s own our everyday runway’s stronger than Lady Gaga. Below are some of my faves from the past 6 years.
I am in a mood. Not a particularly good one either. I’m working on it, though.
I realized in the past 24 hours, that I am human, and I expect others not to be. That’s a crappy revelation. I mean, you can be sitting there saying, “Duh. We know you are human. As are others.” I mean it like this.
I have emotions, expectations, and things I need. I feel like I express them eloquently. Sometimes, I am sure I do. I also realized, that sometimes, I don’t. For the past 15 hours or so, I have been beating myself up over this, internally. I hardly slept. I realized, that not everyone is a mind reader, and just because I know my intentions are good, doesn’t mean they do.
Then folks, I started to question everything about myself. Am I a good person? Am I a good friend? A good mom? Yeah, I know. I went way down a really sad place. I cried because I felt like I really hurt someone. And to be honest, I did. I hurt them. Not intentional – but I did.
After some crying, talking, and praying it hit me. If you had someone crying to you over this same situation – what would you say? Now say that to yourself, Kristie. So here it is. “You are a good person. A great friend. You are there for people no matter what. You made a mistake. It wasn’t intentional. You are owning your mistake. Learn from it and don’t do it again. That is all you can do.” So, I am doing it.
I get comments, emails, and really – people telling me all the time how ‘strong I am’ and ‘how positive I am’. I also get tough, grateful, loving, and a menagerie of beautiful adjectives. I often always try to swipe them down out of embarrassment. Please know that today I am clinging to those, and thank you. It is helping me right in this moment.
And right now, I really didn’t feel like writing. I really didn’t. So I just wrote what I was feeling. Here is something to know. Motivation doesn’t happen naturally, either. That’s my opinion, anyway. I think it is completely unnatural. Everyday, I have to listen to positive things. I stay listening to self help books. Like today, when I felt down, I went through my Audible arsenal, and re-listening to some positive books I have downloaded. I have to remind myself of all the blessings I have. Write them down. So gusy, I ain’t perfect. I am super-flawed. I just gotta keep working at it. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
Ok. This isn’t a post about manifestation. But it could be. In one of my previous posts I wrote about how I wanted to make my house more, homey. I made a list. (If you haven’t read that post, I suggest ya do.) Well, Number six on the list – was my kitchen table. Can I just say, I hated my kitchen table. Like I hated it with a passion. And I wish that I could say that my ex bought it, picked it, or it was forced upon me and someway. NOPE. That sucker was all me. And when I bought it – I was so proud! I really was! But, about 5 days after the purchase – I knew it was a bad idea. I denied it. But I knew it was bad. I shall now insert a photo below. So you can see the prettiness. Then I will explain why it was a bad idea.
Industry Place 5 Piece Dining Set, In all her advertised Glory.
So there she is. Isn’t she lovely? I mean, I saw that table – and I saw modern. Edgy. I saw – MYSELF. (Ok, maybe it’s a little dramatic for the table. But, I was pretty pumped about it. ) I loved the finish. I loved the metal. I loved that you can arrange the height of the table and stools. I loved that it looked like it could be in a Chipotle near you. I. LOVED. IT.
My kids loved it too, at first. But what we all forgot, was that the littlest child (at the time of purchase) was 7. EMMM. MMMM. You know what you don’t want with a small child? A spinning table with spinning chairs. You wanna know why? Did ya work super hard and get dinner on the table? One hard spin equals dinner on the floor. Tears ensue. Mine and his. Did I mention I have ceramic tile floors? Corning ware against ceramic tile? Tile wins. There IS a lock for the table. Did you know that a seven year old can undo said lock, with his toes, without disturbing the table at all? It can be done. It has been done.
Death trap.
Industrial Place 5 Piece dining set (For the rest of this post, I am going to refer to it as IP5), can also double as a playground. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why. You know those spinning wheels of death that are probably now banned across playgrounds everywhere? Well, in a pinch, the stool from said dining set, can also double as this fine piece of play equipment. Picture it: A laughing eight year old. Spinning face down on stool. He jumps up. He’s dizzy. He’s down. He’s bleeding. Ugh. This all happening while I am screaming, “You knew better! I am not paying a $350.00 co-payment at the emergency room because you weren’t thinking!” (Yes, I literally said that. No, I didn’t mean it – well, I sorta did. I’m not perfect, we know this. )
IP5 had other drawbacks. When the four of us sat down to dinner, the table would wobble everytime someone touched it. Also, our plates were really super close. IP5 was lacking on it’s radial length. And once IP5 got about 7 months old, randomly a white haze would form on it. It would happen with moisture. But it would show up when I would clean it. Then it would go away. Freaking weird, I know. But ask my kids. I swear it happened. I knew I needed a new table. Tables aren’t cheap. IP5 cost me almost $500.00 when it was said and done. That’s a lot of money to me. So me, the kids, and IP5 were in an unfulfilling relationship together.
But, then, the miraculous occurred. I got a phone call from a friend of mine. And he said,” My mom is getting a new kitchen table – Do you want her old one? It’s over 20 years old and needs some work, but it’s solid wood.” Sir, you had me sold at the word solid. Do I ever! And let me tell ya – my happy self went to work the next day, asked my brothers to borrow the truck, and I made arrangements to pick that sucker up that Saturday. Saturday rolls around, and me and my crew (which is me and the kids, FYI) head over to her house to pick it up. We get there, load it up, give hugs and say 1000 thank you’s, and head home. She also gave us some cream parson’s chairs to go with it.
I get home, and I get to work. Now, once he told me it needed work, I put a budget in my head. I didn’t want to go over $100. I have to do budgets. Or I get too creative. LOL! Luckily, I am the son that my daddy never had – so I tagged around quite a bit in his wood working shop as a little kid. So on hand, I have a belt sander, and rotary sander, and some sanding blocks. And I get to town. Yes, the table was 20+ years old. But the top, well it shocked me. It didn’t take much work to get it down to a smooth surface, little scratches and nicks out. She took super great care of it. Same goes with the base and the legs, but they were a bit more difficult. They had been painted for the different styles of the times, so it took a little more work. Still though, I had them stripped down in about three hours.
Now, here’s the fun part. I decided I wanted to do it in like a modern/farmhouse/chic/girly/cool finish. That took some googling, due to the fact I can be indecisive. I decided on a deep gray color, with a coffee/mahogany top. So, off to make the purchase to fix this table. I got the stain at Lowe’s ($12.16 with tax). I used the Minwax PolyShades – because I love the ease of the one step. For the legs, I wanted to do a subtle milk paint. I love milk paints, chalk paints, and whitewash. Those are my favorite paint styles. I think that I gives such a soft finish. And by soft, I mean, it looks like it would actually feel soft. I couldn’t find what I wanted at Lowe’s. So off to Joann’s I go. PEOPLE! I got the milk paint on clearance for $4.17 and I had a 20% off entire purchase. I got two. So… $7.12 later, I’m set. Our grand total for this table at this point is $16.33.
I do the table and I floor myself at my own work. I am super proud of this table. There is only one problem. I had three chairs, and need more seating. So I start looking for seating ideas. I needed to redo the chairs, and wasn’t sure how. So I decided on upholstery spray paint in charcoal and stone. Now this stuff is pricey, to me. So, I implement my tribe – Joann’s and Michael’s Coupons. I got it down to 5.14 a can. I needed five cans, for three chairs. I still had a 20% off coupon thanks to the app – so grand total there came to $21.20. Now, if you go this route, MAKE SURE YOU DO IT OUTSIDE AND DO NOT SIT IN THEM FOR 48 HOURS! They are still gonna be tacky for a couple days, and you don’t want to ruin that hard work. And when it says to shake the can for a full minute – DO IT. That isn’t a suggestion, it’s needed or it will come out all weird and yucky. We are now at $37.53. And I still need another seat.
My budget for another seat is $62.47. I decide I will get a bench, and stain it to match. I can find a standard wood bench for that amount, right? No. No I can’t. Not even close, guys. So, guess what I do? Google. That’s right. I found a design to make a bench. So, a trip to home depot, $16.80 later, we got the fixin’s for what could be an amazing piece of carpentry. Then, I get to work. And guess what ya girl did? She made a frickin’ bench. That’s exactly what she did! I’m not even gonna lie. It seemed simple. But I thought, it can’t be that simple. I mean, it wasn’t totally simple – but it wasn’t hard either. And I have had four grown folks sitting on it – she is sturdy.
The Bench in Progress
I tell you all this, one – to help. Two, to proclaim how grateful I am for this table. I despised my other table as a dinner table. Now IP5 is in the corner as a board game/homework table. Perfect life for IP5. And this table that was given to me, means everything to me. One, a dear friend thought of me and asked if I was interested. Two, my brothers let me use the truck to make it happen – how awesome to have the availability of a truck! Three, I got to spend some time with a sweet lady, help her out, and you could tell she was so happy that it was going to good use. Four, I made something that I am proud of. Five, it has been a rough year and this was a great thing to make me feel at home. I can’t even begin to explain how blessed and grateful I am.
So, it’s set up. I want a centerpiece. Because, well – I have room for a centerpiece and a plate. And I didn’t before. I decided to hit up Marshall’s, and low and behold – I found the base. A two-tiered swivel thing. Specific, I know – you’ll see. I put a Rae Dunn mug and juicer I had in the cabinet, some greenery I had, and got the letter’s at Joann’s for less than a dollar a piece. On the center piece, amount I spent was $21.21. The piece itself was 14.99, then there was a candle from the dollar tree, a couple little pots, you see. But there’s the total. At this point, I haven’t finished the third chair yet. So, one of IP5’s stools is on one side, which actually looks pretty cool. But the rest, is below. I am so happy with how it came out. I am super happy that there is a story to it. I am proud of my effort. I am grateful for the vision. I am grateful for the sweet soul that gifted it to me.
I. Love. This. So. Much. And… Grand Total – $75.54. Still under budget and that’s including the centerpiece and placemats. (Placemats aren’t permanent – I just happened to take this picture with them on the table.)
And let me tell you, we have sat there. And eaten. And laughed. We had some company over, and we were all able to sit at the table. It was awesome. So here is my take away…. One, put it out there and let it be known what you need. And just watch. Two, be grateful for what you have, even if you hate it. I know that doesn’t sound possible, but it is. I am in a phase of my life where I am closing old doors – and trying to build new things. It feels good to see things happening. And… If you like this – please subscribe and share. Let’s get the word out and be happy. Stay Inspired!
Yes. Those are lyrics from “Seasons of Love”. Which is from the musical, Rent. The reason I picked that title, is because ….. I AM GONNA TALK ABOUT MY RENTAL HOUSE! And by rental house, I mean the house that I am a tenant in. Not a property I own. Currently, in my life right now, I am renting. One day, I would love to be a home owner again. But right now – and to be honest, the next two years, I am going to be renting. And here is why I say this. My kids are what I live for. Completely. And it is so important to my daughter, to stay in her school district. She is a sophomore in high school, and I don’t blame her one bit – I wouldn’t want to switch schools then either. So, after research, looking at how the prices keep going up in my area, I decided to stay put. I re-signed the lease, with the resolve that this place I have been living in for the past two years, was now going to be my home for the next two, God willing.
And if you follow me on any social media – you know I just had some issues with my house. It flooded. And it was awful. And to be honest, it was still in some sort of disarray. I didn’t feel good when I walked into my house. I didn’t feel good when I drove up. I didn’t feel bad, per se. It just wasn’t the excitement of being “home”. So, I was talking to one of my friends, and he said – “You have never made that place – YOU. That’s what’s wrong. ” Well, I then informed him how I didn’t want to waste money on a rental, with paint and what not. I didn’t even know if I could paint or not. And all the reasons I couldn’t make it better. He looked at me and nodded, and said – “Sorry, but I was going to be somewhere for two years, I think I would spend my money on some stuff to make it a little more homey. I didn’t say knock down walls.” So, I thought about it and took his advice. I contacted my property managment company, and they said I could paint. They gave me exterior guides for the door (HOA Rules, not theirs) and advised that I can paint the inside, but if it’s beyond neutral they may request that I return it to the original color. Ok. Cool. So, I decided that I didn’t want to look back at pictures years down the road, and regret not making it more homey.
So, first thing – I decided to paint my front door. I wanted it to be happy, and cheery. I searched color after color, trying to find the perfect shade. I searched Pinterest, HGTV, DIY Network, home listings – and then I decided on a shade. Coral. It was perfect. Bright, cheery, and very, well – perfect. So off to Lowe’s I go! I picked the color called “Coral Reef”. Not knowing what in the world I needed, (like there are a zillion different types of paint) I ask the paint guy. He walked me through it, made his recommendations, and then we were mixing up a quart of ‘coral reef’! And I was super pumped. Two of my three kiddos were with me, and they both approved, too! We got some rollers, 3M painters tape, and some brushes, and we were off!
The next morning, we got up. We taped off the door. And two hours later…..
THE CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I had to find an old picture for my before, because I didn’t think to take one. LOL!
Stop the applause… stop the applause. I know it’s amazing. LOL! But seriously, the difference it made in my soul, was that was the amazing thing. And then I realized, that I had some work to do. So, I do what any good OCD/obsessive/journaling/blogging/ person does. I get out my “The 5 Second Journal” – and I made my list. My list was of the things that really bothered me about my rental. Because my number one, was the front door – because I hated seeing it when I pulled up. Check. Fixed. Here’s the way the rest went.
Front Door
Flooring
Downstairs bathroom/ My Bathroom
Kitchen Window
My steps. Disgusting.
Kitchen table
Disarray of dining room (still was off kilter from the flood)
I needed towels.
Not enough art in my house.
So, I got my list. I evaluated my list. And here is what I determined for each item. And being the obsessed, OCD type. Here we go. And what I added, was $$$. Because let’s be honest. That’ is going to affect it big time. First, how much can I afford, will it affect my deposit, how much will it take to reverse it, cost benefit analysis.
Front Door – Done. $27.00-ish
Flooring – Deal with it. $5,000,000.00 (might as well be.. LOL!)
Downstairs bathroom (I’d spend $30.00, maybe. Paint? I dunno) My Bathroom ($50.00 – new shower curtain/rug/trash can/ rearrange)
Kitchen window (I just need curtains. I can make them. And a tension rod. $15.00)
Steps. The rental company never cleaned the carpet when I moved in two years ago. It was wreck honestly. I was able to clean well the upstairs carpet. The steps.. just never seemed pristine. So, I called Stanley Steemer. $80.00. Booked the appointment.
Kitchen table. I bought the table I have now, last year. It is circular/metal/wood and totally modern. It looked so cool. Eat at a spinning table with a nine year old. -_- Bad purchasing decision on my part. ($300-$600)
Disarray in dining room. Free.
Towels. Not really an option. I mean, I am not gonna drown getting out of the shower, but I seriously need towels.
I make art. For myself. I enjoy doing it. I enjoy looking at. Hang it up. Free.
So, Now that i have my list together. I can start tackling. Subscribe to my blog, to see the next revamping adventures I do – good ones and failures…. If you haven’t yet… Follow me on Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram for some more positive info, laughs, and maybe we can help each other! I’m grateful for you!
Well. I ghosted for a few days. Figuratively and almost literally. I’m gonna share more than I normally do – just because it is something that I think needs to be addressed. Because if I am dealing with it, I know I’m not the only one.
I am the picture of health to most people. I go to the gym. I run. I do yoga. I meditate. I am proactive about my health. But it isn’t because I am health nut- it’s because I have to be. The past two years my poor body has been through the ringer. It’s been one of those things where I really say, what’s next.
Sunday. I got sick. Super sick. The type of sick where you really get scared. I was vomiting uncontrollably. It went on for about four hours. I slept in the bathroom floor for awhile. I went to bed, and woke up once to puke again. I woke up, saying “I’ll be better today!” And guess what. I wasn’t. I tried to talk myself into it. Although, I had quit puking. I felt like crap. My whole body ached. My feet hurt when I stepped on the ground. I figured after a good nights sleep, I’d feel better.
Lies.
I woke up the next day, and to be honest, I knew there was something off. I call the doctor- and I am instructed to go to the Emergency Room. So, off I go.
I was ashamed. Ashamed I was sick. Ashamed there was another problem. I was mortified that I would miss another day of work. Let me state- that in the three years I have been employed there- this is the fifth day I called out sick. So, as of last Sunday- 3 days In three years. And please know, my employers are fantastic. Two of those days- they forced me to take off. Because they knew the problems I was having. So it’s self induced- the panic and shame I feel. It isn’t from them. It’s from me.
I associate, and I think a lot of people do, being sick with being weak. This association is only for myself though. Not others. I feel for others with health issues. I encourage rest, doctors, talking, time off, take care if yourself. But for my own self? Complete shame. I feel like if I was stronger. If I did something different. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten sick.
Well, this day- it was a ‘cardiac event’ stemmed from dehydration. To break it down- my heart was angry because I was dehydrated. I was given a million bags of iv fluids- and I am on the mend. It’s amazing how fluids can make such a difference. Who knew.
Guess who I contacted? Only the people I absolutely had to. Why? Because I don’t want people to pity me, or think – ‘now what’? Because listen. I’ve heard the tones before. When you have a weak moment and you tell a friend about what you are going through, and they seem- judge-y. It sucks. The “WOW. That seems like a lot.” Or “it seems like it something different every week. “
You are right, Karen. It does. And it doesn’t seem like something. It is something. But all the little issues all started with the big one. But please, tell me more about the person who had 14 items in the 10 item or less checkout. And keep being dismissive.
Yes. That was bitterness you detected. But this why I just keep my mouth shut. Shame. I was shamed once and became self conscience. So, I really kinda ‘suffer alone’- not even trying to sound dramatic. I could have asked a number of people to come sit at the hospital with me today- and I was scared. But I refused to ask. Why? Shame. Don’t want to bother anyone. And I am so not kidding. I literally have a list of people who would have came. But because of one statement, by someone that I am not even really friends with at all, it clammed me up.
So, if your loved one has health issues. Or you even know someone who is just struggling, health or not, and you are in a good mental place – Call. Text them. Reach out. Let the speak freely. It’s hard to be by yourself. And just because someone is married, has kids, great parents – doesn’t mean that they don’t feel ashamed. Autoimmunity, cancer, flu, or just a string of bad luck- let them know it’s okay to call them. It’s a lonely world when you feel shamed. This isn’t a fact that I have no one – I do. This is just me saying openly- it’s hard to let people in sometimes- especially when you feel like a broken human.
Because some days. I do feel broken. I understand. It’s hard.
Then I gotta remember – God’s doesn’t let us be broken. And then, I talk to my tribe and they reassure me. That they love me. They just love me. And everytime, they tell me that. A little bit of that wall comes down.
And I am so grateful. For my health. My home. My family. My friends. I am a lucky one.
As a relatively new Floridian, I have only been through one hurricane. And that was Hurricane Matthew. And for those that are in Central Florida during Matthew, it didn’t seem much more different than a regular summer thunderstorm, it just lasted longer. So, when the news started talking about Hurricane Irma, I wasn’t scared – I wasn’t nervous – I was just like… “I’m sure it’s not gonna be that bad…”
Well, first of all, I will openly admit when I am wrong. I WAS WRONG! I WAS SO WRONG! COMPLETELY WRONG! Now, people are gonna ask why I stayed. Here’s why. This is my home. This is where I live and work. I was never in an evacuation zone, had I been in one – I would have went. But when I started getting nervous – and feeling like I might should leave, I couldn’t. I mean, I could have – but that was scarier. There was a gas shortage. Traffic for days. And the thought of getting stuck in a town, during a hurricane, not knowing where to go to – or getting stuck on the side of road stranded and unable to get gas – was much scarier than just staying put.
And, I want to educate anyone who hasn’t been through something like this – because I didn’t know it until I lived it – but guys, a hurricane is expensive. So all these people you see going through this – don’t just think about the damage to their homes, there I a lot of money that goes to prepping. And prep properly. If you board up your windows, figure about $20.00 per window. You need 20 sandbags? Add another $50 to $100. Now, plan on a week without electricity, water, and having food to eat. Prepping for a hurricane can cost up to $1000 or more. Depending on the level of prep – and the size of the family. We aren’t even talking about the clean up, deductibles, time of work because your job is out of power – etc. This can really, really hurt people’s lives, and knock them so far down on their feet they can’t get back up. I was blessed in this aspect. But I see it all around me everyday since. And it’s so sad.
This hurricane was the absolute scariest thing I have ever been through. When you have three kids all looking to you for assuredness that everything is gonna be okay, that’s a lot of pressure. Especially when you are scared yourself, and have to act like you aren’t. It was at it’s worst in my area from midnight to about 4:30 am. That is a long time of wind screaming. Trees bending sideways. I was sure, that when I went upstairs, there wouldn’t be one. Water coming in from the floorboards. And pitch darkness. It was worse than any horror movie I have ever been in. And all the while, I had friends texting me – checking to make sure that I was okay. And I was doing the same back.
And then, the sun came up. And destruction was everywhere. Shingles littered the ground like French fries in a McDonald’s parking lot. It resembled a war zone. People out walking just stunned. Neighbors I haven’t seen outside before are out and talking. People are hugging, and asking if you need anything. When the sun came up – the outpouring of love of my neighbors, my friends, and gratitude came with it.
We were without power for 3 days. And that was awful. But not near as awful as the people who still don’t have power. I never realized how much I depend on electricity. And here is an FYI also, no electricity – no cell phone towers – signal was blah. Just trying to call someone was a nightmare. Our houses are built to be energy efficient! Which keeps the house warm in the cold months and cool in the warm months – IF YOU HAVE POWER. If you don’t… your house becomes Satan’s playground. Your home smells weird, from lack of air circulation. Your dirty clothes pile up. You can’t vacuum. Inside starts looking like a war zone, too. And then the day that you get glorious power back. It’s a huge relief. HUGE.
So here is what I have learned. I hate hurricanes. I never want to ever go camping. I love electricity. But most importantly – I am so grateful that God had his hand on me and my family and friends – because he is the one who protected us. I am so thankful for my amazing work family and friends – who all texted me throughout the night, just checking on me. I am so thankful for my friends who did the same. For everyone who offered me a place to stay when we were powerless. But I also learned I am a true Floridian. I love this place. I love the people. I love my neighbors. I am madly in love with the people I have met here. I have also learned, if they ever call for a hurricane that size again, this girl is out. But, I will come back – because Orlando is home.
BRAZEN 