Tag: love

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I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today.  But, on my drive home – I changed my mind.  So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance.  I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun.  Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death.  And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back.  And he said to me, “I view death differently.  Although it is sad that they are gone – I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person.”  And as he said that, it stung my heart.  It made me take a different turn.  And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun.  I really am.  That being said, today still sucks.  This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day.  I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.

On my drive home, I thought about that – blasting my iPod in the background.  And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone.  I have done things I never would have thought possible.  I have spoken in front of crowds.  I have started a blog.  A website.  I have helped people.  I have worked my fingers to the bone.  I scrimped and saved.  I struggled.  I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups.  My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could.  I never knew – the level of passion and protection I could have for them.  I thought I knew before, but I had no idea.  I am proud of the woman I have become.

But, that being said – there are some bad that came with it.  I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over.  I can be vicious.  But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad.  I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren’t as dramatic as mine.  But I am working on that.  I want to help people be happy.  I want people to love like there is no tomorrow.  I want them to know what I know – without the journey to go with it.

So here is what I am trying to say.  Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever.  I love you.  I always will.  And I will make you proud.    I promise that.  So, below, I am posting a song.  I love this version.  Listen to it – all the way through.  I feel like the first part, is me.  The second part, is what Shaun would sing back.  I knew the first time I heard this – It strung a chord in my heart.  I didn’t realize until today – why.  And if you wanna know how I feel – that nails it.  100%. I can’t write it down any better than he can sing it.

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First of all, if you are reading this blog on a mobile device…. scroll down to the bottom of the page and click the button that allows you to see it as the web version.  And then – sit back and be amazed.  I changed the whole look of the blog – after years of it being the same.  And to you, that might not seem like a big deal – but for me – it’s huge.  This blog started as a way to let the world know how I was surviving that day.  Now, it’s transformed into much more for me.  It has turned into a way to share my thoughts, feelings, and views.  And that is something I used to be so scared to share.  I didn’t want people to think that I was stupid – or tell me I was wrong, a million different fears behind being outspoken and open.

Well boy, have times changed.  While working on changing the look and the name of the blog – I read a lot of my old posts.  And It was funny and eye-opening to see the way I have transformed over the years.  And it also floored me that I have been doing this for YEARS!  How is that even possible?  I have learned so much in the past few years – and I have changed in so many ways.  I guess I had my “coming of age” a little later than most.

So here is what I want you to know about the new look.  And yes – It all pretty much radically changed.  I threw the blog up 7 days after Shaun died.  I wasn’t really concerned about how it looked.  It was just a way to breathe.  Now, I want you to see me.  Who I am.  Now.  Because of this wicked journey that I had to go on.  And who I am is this – A girl who has had a lot of heartache and pain – but it has always been out weighed by the love and goodness I have had around me.  My life is not perfect – I have struggles.  But I am blessed beyond measure.  I have people who love me.  Care about me.  And help me daily.  What more can you ask for?

Now, If you haven’t noticed – the name has changed, too.  It was “iwillalwaysloveyoushaun.blogspot.com” — and well, that’s a lot.  It’s now http://www.princessprophecies.blogspot.com.  Because, that’s where I am going.  Onward and upward.  Time to get the book out.  And link it all together.  So here is my first step – I changed the name.  I changed the look.  And I love it.  I hope everyone else does too!!!!!  And I want to thank my techie people who made this happen.  It made me deep down, like in the center of my core, happy.  You didn’t have to do it – and I can’t thank you enough for doing it anyway.

And here’s the thing – It’s “closing time” on the old… and like Semisonic, not Third Eye Blind – said, ” Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  Here’s my new beginning on this journey – and I am stoked.  Much more to come.  Love you all.  Xoxoxoxoxo

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Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first – Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But – I am a poop magnet just didn’t seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important – so I feel that it’s important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that – it is absolutely brutal.  I’d like to say that it’s a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter – it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know – that for some time – I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma – but when you know what you are supposed to do – the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first – I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one – here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives – wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly – all of them are hard for folks – just as it would be for me.  But, here’s the kicker – I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me – LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car – but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this – “You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don’t care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn’t a problem.  It’s a hiccup.”  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care – deep down.  But guess what – I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong – I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn’t go to work, and put in a good day’s work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain – you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine – so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks – they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around – I am carrying theirs too.  So – as of yesterday – that’s all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  – It’s 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy – change my attitude – and no longer be crap magnet.

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So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this – I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered – I realized that there are just a few “things” that I really need. Here they are – in order. 
1. Clothes 
2. Flat iron 
3. Makeup
4. Internet 
5. Phone
6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It’s worth the extra twenty bucks.)
I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 
But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs – Curtiss moved it. 
And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there – and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 
But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But – how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 
I know these thoughts are all random – but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 
There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can’t do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that’s what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?
So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight. 

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So, just to start this off… It’s probably obvious that I have done quite a bit of thinking this week.  This goes hand in hand with quite a bit of crying.  I can’t seem to do one, without the other following suit.  But,  one thing that I keep thinking about is how drastically my life has changed.  I see people walking around – doing their normal.. and I am envious.  I remember June 23rd like a horrible nightmare.  I feel that moment of panic – and remember how it turned into intense pain.  Pain like I have never known.  I cried until my voice no longer sounded like myself.  (I have a Tennessee accent – my friends told me that I completely lost it in that time frame.) I felt like my world came crashing down… And then a few days later, I am left to sift through the ruins of what was once my life.  But I am still living.  And I didn’t, and sometimes still don’t, know how to do just that.  I know it seems simple, breathe in and out.  Never thought that would be such a difficult task.

But for those of you who knew Shaun, he was die hard ravens fan.  Committed to the core.  Got a tattoo of them.  But the way he loved them – was intense.  He “WAS” a raven.  And he is my raven.  But I did a little research about the ravens, cause I am a research kind of girl.  And here is what PBS told me…
“Long recognized as one of the most intelligent birds, the raven also has a less than savory image throughout history as a scavenger that does not discriminate between humans and animals.  Ingenious and versatile, ravens are members of the crow family, which includes jays and magpies. They are found everywhere in the northern hemisphere and adapt to very different terrain, from deserts to mountains — a feat requiring high intelligence.” 
That’s the main idea.. but then I realize how true a raven Shaun was.  He was brilliant.  And he made people nervous sometimes.  He was big, tall, tattooed, and had a deep voice.  He was bald and fierce looking – and beautiful.  He could adapt anywhere he went.  He was open-minded.  And would figure out how to make the best of any dire situation.  And although I know that he would be broken hearted in this situation, he would fly.  Because that’s who he was.


So, I have to do the same.  I have to cling to the idea of what would he do in this situation.  He would stay focused on God, the kids, and whatever it was the he needed to do to make sure they were okay.  He would be on  his knees begging God for answers – and clinging to everyone that he got.  And I am going to let  him lead now.  Just like he always did.  I am going to do exactly what he would do.  I am going to do what he would tell me to do.  And he would cry, and would be sad, and would struggle.  But he would be okay in the end. 


So here is my prayer. God please help me – help me fly like he would – I am waiting to be rescued from this pain and grief – I cling to your promises – Help ease my pain – and help me see that my Raven is flying – and still protecting and guarding my heart.    


So, Shaun, Fly – my Raven – Fly…. And one day I will get to fly alongside you… but maybe I will be an Eagle… (That part is kinda funny if you know us – He was a Baltimore Ravens Fan – I am a Philadelphia Eagles fan…).