Ever go to church and feel like the pastor is preaching directly to your face? Ok, I know-I know, that only happens to me. I kid. Anyway, that was my experience this morning, and I had a lot of thoughts and I thought that I would share a few of them….Imagine that. 😉
First of all, I want to say thank you for all the support and encouragement through this time. It’s been/is horrible. And I have had so many comments, emails, face to face conversations – and so many of you have told me I was strong. I am not strong. I promise you that. When I write, see you at church, Wal-mart, etc. – it might seems as if I am strong because I can force a smile – have an insightful moment – sing praise. But trust me when I say this, you haven’t seen my screaming and crying in the floor of my living room begging God and asking him why. As I have puked from crying so hard. As I freak out, when I don’t know where something is in my house – because Shaun always took care of that – and I throw things, break things, knock them over – then crumple in the floor, and start crying all over again. I have yelled at Shaun, and yes – I know he didn’t have a decision in it. I have yelled at God.
I honestly felt like this. We went to church. We prayed. We tithed. We loved each other dearly. We were good people, with a good family, and raising our kids in church. So why did this happen to us? To me!? (Because I still feel in a way, Shaun got the easy part of this deal – He’s in heaven. Imagine it. HEAVEN!) But show me in the Bible where it says it is gonna be easy. I mean, really. Jesus was perfect and died a horrifying death. But here is thing. I feel like through this – God love is not protecting – he’s not got a big wall around me saying “I’m God. I’m gonna keep all the bad out.” He is perfecting me. He is changing me. Through Shaun’s death, he is going to work in me to do something great. So everytime I feel overhwhelmed, like I can’t take it. I am going to pray that God does something amazing – and more than I could ever imagine.
Shaun got it. He wanted everyone to know God. Know his cleansing power and love. Understand that this is urgent. You don’t have tomorrow – or at least tomorrow is not guaranteed. I know that I will be with God and Shaun forever, when I pass away. But guess what. I AM NOT DEAD YET. I’m not. And I could cease to live. Or I can choose a new existence. A new calling – and spend the rest of my life trying to reach people far from God. Shaun wrote this on his facebook wall… “Whoever needs this. I love you. God loves you. I’m praying for you.” And I am doing the same. If you need me… Let me know… If you need me to pray for you… Let me know… Although, I do often. And if you have a need – email me. Call me. I’m here. Don’t be afraid because I am the “new widow”. I will continue with the same passion what my husband started. But I know that God is gonna do something amazing in my life. Stay tuned and let’s ride this ride together. I think it is going to be beyond what I was ever able to imagine….
And Shaun, I know you are behind me 100%. I love you.