It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….

Tomorrow is a big day in my home.  Tariq has chosen to be baptized – and it’s happening tomorrow morning at Lifepoint.  I am so excited, and I feel so blessed.  It’s a big day for us.  And I thank Shaun for it -but he would have been so proud to see him – and I know he would have wanted to baptize him.  I wish he could be there.  I know that he will be there in our hearts – but I wish he could physically be there.
I also don’t know, if Shaun hadn’t passed away, if Tariq would have done it.  It really made Tariq stand back and take a look at himself.  His faith.  His beliefs.  And he decided that he had spouted a lot of what he had been taught, but hadn’t taken it all to heart.  So, he made changes – and tomorrow is the big day.  I will always be thankful to Shaun, for all the miracles that he worked in all our lives.  I can’t wait to get to heaven and kiss his face all over telling him thank you.  I would have never thought it  possible – to be so in love with someone who isn’t here.  To ache for them to share things with you.  To sit all alone at night, kids in bed, and cry because how much it hurts.  But, to be so excited for them.  For the amazement that they are experiencing.  The beauty that they are seeing.  And looking at it through new and fresh eyes.  How can you be so happy for someone, but so sad for yourself?  Doesn’t seem like it should be even possible.  How can you miss someone so much?  How do you live when half of you is missing?  How do you make people who have never experienced it understand?  Do you even want them to understand?  I don’t know.  I just know that I am a hot mess of emotion tonight – and it doesn’t make a lick of sense.  Not at all.  To sum it up – I am happy, sad, nervous, excited, proud, miserable, and achy.  Hmmmm.

5 Comments

  1. I also just read your article in the paper and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother almost a year ago unexpectedly and think about him everyday. I am truly inspired by your blogs. I also work or Geico in the service department. I just transferred here from VB in January and it has definately been a change. We also Christians but we have not yet found a new church since we have been here. I am very proud of Tariq for getting baptized. That is a very big decision to make especially as kid. Well maybe we will meet one day in passing at work, I also smoke. Until then stay strong and just remember if you ever ned someone to talk to I will be there to listen because I do understand what you are going through. May God Bless you and the kids.

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  2. I read the article and my heart aches for you, I really don't even know what to say. After reading the article not only was I in tears, but I was also ashamed. I am a former firefighter/medic, my husband is also a firefighter/medic and is a captain with a local fire department. We both have seen firsthand how quickly a life can be lost. Lately I have been feeling sorry for myself and a little bitter about watching my husband advance in a career that I loved so much while I stay home with kids. Just before I read the article my husband texted \”Whatcha doin babe?\”. My response was a snarky diatribe about how stressful my day was and how hard it is being home alone while he works a 24 hour shift. Then I read about you losing Shaun. I too am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend. That text could very well be the last thing I ever say to him. I truly am shamed. God bless you. Thank you for teaching me a lesson by sharing your story. I would hug you if I could. I think I will go call Nathan and tell him how thankful I am to have him.

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  3. Michelle, look for me – I am out there all the time at lunch, and well – look to the right… that's what I look like. 🙂 And come to Lifepoint! It's fanstastic and I would be more than happy to take you!And Shannah, you are a sweetheart. And don't beat yourself up – we all feel that way from time to time. Believe me – Shaun and i had a contrite moments. Just make sure that he knows how you feel. Cause that's the best feeling in the world – and I am so thankful to go to bed everynight and know how much he loved me. Thanks so much for the comments guys!

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