It’s been ten weeks since my husband left this earth. It doesn’t seem possible that it has been that long. I know, to some people it seems like “Wow, that’s not long at all.” And I get that. But it still feels like just yesterday that he was here with me. It doesn’t seem possible that in those ten weeks, Jacoby has expanded his vocabulary. I moved my job back to Fredericksburg. I started a blog. Football strike ended and preseason is already almost over. There were earthquakes and a hurricane. Name it – it’s been a lot. But anyway, here I am – ten whole weeks later.
Do I have regrets? At first I said no. I mean we were completely happy and in love. He told me how much he loved me that night before bed. He kissed me. He told me his plans for the following day. Today – I have regrets. I wish I had kissed him longer. Made him come to bed that minute, so I had another night of laying in his arms. I wish I had told him a million times more how much I loved and needed him. How important and special he was. I wish I could have given him everything he ever wanted in life. Everything. But now I can’t. I wish I hadn’t went to AD training – so I wasn’t away from him for that time. I wish I had spent everyone of those nights with him in his arms. So I do live with regret. But I choose from this day forward to try my best and make sure I never feel this way again.
Every minute, every second, is like sand through an hourglass – and once it’s slipped away it’s gone. And at some moment in time, all the sand runs out. I would give anything to be able to turn the hands on the clock backwards. I wonder if there was some instant where I could have known – changed it – saved him. I know rationally probably not – but the heart and the brain sometimes don’t sync up very well. But now I have to start over. And this time – I’m going to make sure that I try consciously to make sure my kids, family, friends, all know how I feel – often.
I’m going to make it up to Shaun. I am going to change my world. It’s going to happen. Because that man will always own my heart. Always. I’m going to give this life the best of me. I’m gonna live the way he would want me to – the way I was meant to. I am going to carry on his passions. I am going to try and have the same loving heart.
I can’t erase what happened. I can’t rewind the clock. But of all the things I regret the most, I wish I had spent more time with him. I wish he knew I felt that way now. I wish I could apologize. So here it is – I’m sorry stupid stuff got in the way of us just “being”. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time. I’m sorry if there was something I could have done. I’m just sorry. And I love you.