There’s a pandemic – and I am worried if you like me. Facts.

Did you ever think, that maybe, all of this stuff going on – is a gift?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not denying the fact that there are people that are ill, dying, losing their livelihoods, jobs, and a million other things.  But for a moment.  A small moment.  Let’s just focus on you.

As an essential employee, here at my job, let me tell you what I have noticed.  Where my daily “routine” hasn’t been as interrupted as others.  I am noticing, that I am free from a few things.  The expectations of other people, and society as a whole, has somewhat lifted.  Sure – there is the homeschool situation.  But, my kids teachers and school district has done an amazing job, so that part – well, they are still doing it.  I am just landlord of the school… LOL!

I am noticing also, that I am free from a lot of the endless chatter that goes on in my mind.  You know what I am talking about.  Get this done.  Get that done.  Make quality time.  Do the laundry.  Read a book.  Make a skirt.  Mop.  Exercise.  Pray.  Do yoga.  Write a book.  Write a blog.  Make a doctor’s appointment. Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah.  Blah. Blah.  Guess what?  I wrote down a psycho long list of all the crap that goes on in my head.  And I keep adding to it.  We have got the quality time down.  Killing that one.  Laundry? Never ends.  I’m listening to a book – because my readers gave some awesome titles.  I did mop the whole house.  And here is what I realized.  A lot of my “endless chatter” was busywork and procrastination.  If I was honest, It seemed like it was sooo much it was overwhelming.  When really – each task, took either seconds up to half an hour.  Nothing crazy.

Now.  Let’s get deep for a second.  We got the time, that’s for sure. 

Now, this is what else this has taught me.  I have been able to free myself from conversations that bleed me dry.  In every aspect of my relationships – I have gotten a lot more honest.  I have learned to say, “Hey, this sucks.  Here is how I feel about it.  Do you want to help?” Key to this though, is that it isn’t in a hostile way. It’s in a factual – let’s make this better type of way.  I am not entertaining, professionally or personally, soul sucking fear and negativity. But what is awesome? I almost see a societal shift.  While at work, it seems everyone is more patient and caring.  Almost like an “essential” team, leaning on each other, to get through this hard time.  And to show up each day, and see these guys – It does give a huge “WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER” type of feeling. 

Next up – Hyper-Achievement and Low Self-Esteem.  That’s me.  I thrive for success.  In all I do.  Going on a diet?  Let’s compete – I’ll lose the most.  Going to write a book?  Let’s do it.  All in.  I have self esteem issues in so many ways it’s ridiculous.  And here is the thing; I will go all in-for a while anyway.  And then – screeching halt.  I am fully capable of completing every dream I have. I am educated.  I am tech-savvy.  I’m not bashful.  So why haven’t I?  You ready? 

BECAUSE I WANT/WANTED EXTERNAL VALIDATION.

Kristie Greenberg, for some unbeknownst reason to me, wants people to praise her.  Yes, I am ashamed to admit it.  Yes, I hate that.  Yes, I hold on to it. Yes, it’s freaking true. Ugh.

And you know what this pandemic has taught me?  What are you if no one is around to validate you?  What are you – when it’s just you and your kids?  What are you, when you are sitting in your closet floor all alone? I’ve asked myself those questions. 

Well first, I admitted to myself that I am co-dependent. What is co-dependency you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.  The feeling of not being complete without a romantic partner and/or – the feeling of not being complete without the approval of others.   In the past, I was co-dependent in romantic relationships.  I went from one, to the next, to the next, to the next – afraid to be alone. You can ask my parents!  In high school, I was never “single” for more than a month.  I put a lot of value, and my own self worth, in the power of being “with” someone.  I wanted to be part of team.  I wanted to be loved. And the idea of being alone – was paralyzing.  This carried on through adulthood.  (And if you have hopped relationships – and are happy now, I’m not saying leave!  LOL!  I’m just telling you my story – and making you aware of my past patterns. If you have found someone and can recognize that is how you were before, that doesn’t mean leave now to show you can be alone.)  I made peace with that aspect of my co-dependancy – until I realized, I still am co-dependent, just a different way.  We are going to call this my longest running addiction.  That’s right.  Addiction.  That’s what it is.

And here is what I have realized.  When it’s just me, sitting in front of a keyboard, writing down what I feel led to do, the words come out. They come out easy.  No research needed – just the research of my soul.   Just because it isn’t shared, or published, or commented, or liked – doesn’t mean, it didn’t affect the one person it was supposed to.  And maybe, just maybe – the one person it was supposed to affect -is the one who is writing it. 

If my goal, is to be authentic, change the world, and help people,  I have to be willing, to be one of the people that I help. Let me say that again, in case it didn’t resonate the first time.  Kristie has to allow Kristie to help Kristie, so Kristie can help other people.  If Kristie doesn’t live authentically – Kristie isn’t good for anyone else.  Not her kids, friends, family, not any one.  If Kristie doesn’t help Kristie – She loses the possibility to make a lasting impact on others.

 My hope for you is this.  That is this time that is scary – you take some time and reflect on what might be the “good” in this whole thing.  Maybe this will be the transition time for you.  Maybe, your job that is no longer there– is the launch pad you need to make yourself a new future.  Maybe, the homeschooling thing – is time for you to find a new passion, or maybe let a dream die because you realize teaching isn’t your jam.  Maybe this has cost you everything – and you lost your home and income – and everything else.  Maybe, this is so you can gain everything and more. 

So I will end with this.  What made you click this link?  The photo?  The title? What was it? Or was it, just a self therapy session behind a keyboard.  Anyway, whatever the reason, I am clapping for myself today.  Because I am one step closer, to being the woman I want to be tomorrow.

Love Fully.  Live fully.  Shine On.

Sat Nam.

1 Comment

  1. Damn.
    Wow.
    Speechless.
    I suppose everyone could Struggle with this In someway.
    Maybe it’s our life circumstances. But what I am sure of- you are worth it. And valuable.

    and if people run it ignore it – it’s because they are weak and Intimidated by it.

    Like

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