As we all know – I have been ran through the mud. I have been hurt.  Angered. I have been mocked.  Made fun of.  All by people who really don’t know anything about me. That being said, you all have been supportive as can be. I am grateful for each and everyone of you. So here is an answer to a question I got.

The email read,

“Hey.  I don’t know how you are holding up.  I have watched this going on…  The job. The gossip. The health issues. The kids. How are you holding up – I mean this as a question, not even a “How are you?” (I care how you are, I’m just struggling too- help me!) I’m losing my mind from the past year, myself. Any advice?”

Well first, I am holding up shocking well – now.  Keyword is now.  In an hour, who knows. But right now, I am doing ok. And of course.  I have advice.  Here’s my top ten things you should/shouldn’t do to complicate your life any futher. All written and determined of the past 10 year chaotic journey of my own. Enjoy. LOL!

10. Keep everything in Perspective.

Perspective is underrated. In each moment of our lives, things seem huge, am I right? I’m a widow – and this isn’t even widow talk.  You all saw my crying “Chris Crocker” style video because my feelings got hurt.  People often think that once you know real trauma -you have a gift where other things don’t phase you.  Not true. I might be able to snap out of quicker, but it still hurts.

What gets me through is perspective.  This woman calling me names, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought when I was enduring chemo. I wouldn’t have cared. And guess what? I choose to try my best not to now. It’s perspective.  She was nonexistent to me before, really.  Why care now? It’s perspective.

9. Healthy People take their Health for Granted.

And sometimes, sick people who get healthy-still take their health for granted. So, whether it be physical or mental health – take care of it. And be grateful for it.  For real.  If you smoke stop.  IF you are overweight and sedentary – get healthy.  If you struggle with your mind, get therapy.  Check your heath insurance.  You probably have benefits that you don’t even know about. Take advantage of it and be the best version of you that you can be. If you don’t have health insurance, there are a lot of programs out there to help you.  I know it’s hard.

Let me be honest, If I ate what and how I wanted, and I didn’t exercise, I would be morbidly obese.  For sure.

8. Always Choose Kindness.

I haven’t always chosen kindness.  Sometimes, my words have gotten the best of me.  Sometimes, I have allowed jealousy to enter into my heart with such malice.  Sometimes, I have judged others to make myself feel better. But every single time I have chosen kindness, I have not been disappointed.  Sure, revenge feels good – for a second.  But it doesn’t for the long haul.  So have some good people around you that can be a voice of reason when you are being crazy – and work towards kindness.

7. Confidence is not being well-dressed. Confidence is expressing who you really are.

We all know that my hair is my pride and joy. We all know that my fashion choices maybe a touch out the norm. But I will tell ya this, mohawk and all – I feel like I am living my best self when I am me.  Fake eyelashes and all. I love animal prints – and nontraditional art.   So be yourself. IF you want purple streaks and they make you feel good – get purple streaks. You wanna shave your head, shave your head. Be confident. Confidence looks good on every single person. And if you like your hair in a side part – BY ALL MEANS GET THE SIDE PART! Don’t listen to TikTok!

 6. Allow yourself to be touched.

This is science.  Physical touch can heal.  Like I’m serious.  It really can. Google it.  Physical touch has healing benefits.  It can increase your immune system.  It can lower the blood sugar of people with Diabetes.

There are studies showing that touch signals safety and trust, it soothes. Basic warm touch calms cardiovascular stress. It activates the body’s vagus nerve, which is intimately involved with our compassionate response, and a simple touch can trigger release of oxytocin.

And think of babies – holding a baby can calm a baby.  It’s physical touch.  If you are single, and don’t have a partner, that’s okay.  It isn’t just a couple thing.  Hug your kids.  Your nieces or nephews.  Your friends.  Or even, schedule a massage.  I’m serious.  It helps.

5. Gossip is Capital – Don’t be involved in that Market.

Again, I have went down that road in my past. Never ends well.  But what I can say is this.  If you have ever confided in me – your secrets are safe. For life.  Even if you hate me now.  Steel trap.  And if we were friends, and don’t talk anymore – still, I got you. Don’t be one of those people who air things that were given in confidence. It is actually gross.

My therapist told me this today – and it’s freaking brilliant.  She said, “When people gossip, their whole purpose to gossiping is create worth within themselves.  When people gossip – they are either experiencing fear, a desire for belonging or inclusion, and a craving for intimacy and a sense of connection.  If someone is gossiping, they are sad people. Looking for someone externally to give them approval.” It makes it a little easier to forgive when you think of the damage they have are feeling internally.  

4.  Address your problems as the arise – and complaining will not fix things.

Problems are like splinters.  Might not seem like a big deal, but ignore it – and you might end up with a full body infection.  Address each issue as they come up. Let me give you a real life “Kristie” example.

At one point in my adult life, I was seriously financially burdened. Medical bills, life, and everything else – was sucking me dry.  I was “robbing Peter to pay Paul.”  Finally, it got to the point to where I couldn’t sleep at night. I literally had to get a grip on my finances.  I needed to see just how poor I was.

Had I not done that, I would not have been able to solve the problem. I would have been a slave to ignoring the mailbox, and feeling like I was going to throw up when I had to pay bills.  Now my finances are top priority. I manage my money so it doesn’t manage me. I can go get the mail without a brown bag to hyperventilate in. It feels good.

And complaining, doesn’t do anyone any good. It doesn’t fix  your finances, it doesn’t fix your mood. This one, I am good at.  When you want to complain, think of the opposite, and choose gratitude.  Turn, “I’m starving” into, “I can’t wait to get to Publix for $5.00 Sushi night!”

Acceptance is the first step to freedom. If you are in denial about your present circumstance, you will be locked in a cycle of misery. Once you accept things as they are and you find that you don’t like what you see, you can take the next step to change things for the better.

3. It’s not all about you.

We are the center of our own worlds, of course. But what if you actually flip that switch for five minutes a day.  Take your kids or partner for example… Instead of “What do I have to do today?”, try “What do we need to do today, and maybe I can help you achieve your goal.”

Pay attention to the actions and behaviors of others in your life. Look at the context clues.  Are they sad? Scared? Being bullied, maybe? It’s normal to be intensely aware as to what is going on in your life, just be mindful, that others are around you also.

2. Love is more than a feeling.  It’s a choice.

Everyone wants to be in love, right? Falling in love is mad easy.  Staying in love – not so easy.  I recommend before entering any relationships – be honest.  Don’t change who you are – because overtime – you will change. I am not the same person now that I was at 20. So, if I “fake it” at 20 – end up married to be someone’s ideal – naturally change as they do – BOOM. Problems. And fun facts, this goes for friendships, too.  For a long time, I wanted to morph to be what I thought people wanted.  I am a people pleaser.  I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be liked.  Now – everyone gets the garbage from jump.  You are welcome. (and I am happier than I have been for it.)

Be honest.  Admit your flaws.  Your hang-ups.  Example? I smoked for years. You think I am gonna hide that from anyone? Nope. Why? It is a struggle for me each day.  So if you see me even consider a cigarette – slap me hard. My best friend smokes. If I asked her for cigarette, she would punch me In the face.  I love her for that.

But with any love, we must choose to be kind, to be loving, let the annoyances pass, be respectful, and supportive.  It isn’t always easy.  But it’s worth it.

1. Don’t ruin your testimony.

Have you ever seen someone face their demons? Let me tell ya, I have twice in my life. And what I have to say, is both times – I had such respect for these two people beforehand, and after – even more.  And both times, I watched both people be brutalized by Christians.  People of my faith. If I didn’t have a strong personal relationship with God – I would definitely never wanted to be part of that religion.

I challenge you to write down on a notepad – every dirty, despicable thing you have done.  Thought.  Every wish of ill will.  Every bad act.  Moments of gluttony.  Times of giving into sin.  Now, I want you to think of everyone you know – and everyone you don’t tuning into a TV channel – where someone reads every, single deed.  No one would be able to hold their heads up.

The reality is that I’ve sinned in just about every area. It pains me to say that, but it’s true. If people hear the Gospel and reject Jesus, that’s one thing. If I’m the barrier to people accepting Christ because of me and my sin, that’s a completely different deal. Fortunately, God’s much bigger than my stupidity.

So I end with this, When does your humanness get in the way of people knowing the hope, forgiveness, and love of Jesus?  Does your life make them curious about Jesus’ love, or does it make them want to run away screaming.

So, I challenge you – if you are a Christian – don’t use prayer as an excuse for inaction.  Don’t sit around and wait for God to do his thing, step out in obedience and faith. And hey, don’t think you are better than others, either. Don’t create some internal rules to differentiate your holiness while you decide others aren’t.

That’s a wrap, Jack.

So there it is.  That’s how I get through.  An amazing support system.  Being supportive.  Love.  Laughter.  Jesus. And Gratiude.

Hope it helps.

Love Fully.  Live Fully.  Shine on. 

Facts.

The End.

Just Kidding.

This week has been a roller coaster for me. A huge roller coaster. Shoot, who am I kidding. My life has been a huge roller coaster for the past month. Let’s recap, shall we? My son’s car literally somewhat explodes while he is driving it, in front of me. (Just the transmission, but when you are a mom, heart attack.) The company that I worked for, loved and adored, was bought out. My baby turned eleven. We announced the podcast.

And this morning, I snapped at my kids, and I sat in my car and cried for about ten minutes before I went into my job.

What’s wrong? It hurts to hold the steering wheel. To type is so difficult sometimes. I hardly slept at all last night. Sometimes I get so cold I feel like I am laying in the middle of a snowstorm. Then two hours later, I am pretty sure I am frying under a saguaro in the middle of the Arizona Desert. I have fallen in public because my feet hurt. I have crawled to the bathroom. I have turned on the water with my elbow to wash my hands because they feel locked up. So what’s wrong? I have Lupus. SLE Lupus (Systemic lupus erythematosus) and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.

So basically? My immune system attacks my own tissues. So, I kick my own butt. Get the title? Clever, I know.

I’m private. I don’t put my business on front street. But this morning, after my ten minute pity party, I decided to pull it together, and maybe I can help somebody with this. Just so they know they aren’t by themselves.

Some days, I have no idea how I am actually going to physcially walk down to the car. But somedays, I get on my treadmill and run three miles. Sometimes, I can’t even hold hands. Somedays, I can hold hands and play a game of mercy along with it. Somedays my skin itches so bad, I cry because it hurts to touch it, but it itches. So it’s like having a bad itch that you can’t scratch. Somedays, my skin is perfect without a flaw. Somedays, when I cry, my tears feel like acid running down my cheeks. Somedays are so amazing that I laugh until I cry, and I love that. Somedays I am afraid that this disease will kill me. Somedays, I feel like I can live forever.

What triggers me? Changes in my thyroid meds (which happened this week, go figure). Excitement, nervousness, fear. Near death experiences – and by that, I mean that feeling you get when a tractor trailer comes over three lanes and about side swipes you? Yeah, that has literally triggered a flare.

But, I’m lucky. I have such a great support system. My friends, my family, my kids, my sweetie – everyone. But what makes me even luckier is this – A couple weeks or so ago, when the whole merger was going through, I was alot worse than I am today. I was laying in my bed, and I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, my hand was being held, and I was being prayed for. Folks, that’s powerful. Tears running down his face, praying…

I laid there and watched him, cause he didn’t know I had awoken. And shoot, I wondered if I was about see something… LOL. But all I saw, was a person who was broken for another person. The next morning, my oldest son who rides to work with me, picked my hand up off the gear shift, and kissed it. And he said he hopes I feel better. I was alot better then, but he could look at my hands and see it.

I have been accused of having a perfect life. My life isn’t perfect by any means. My everyday is a struggle. But everyday, I choose my path. I can choose gratitude, or grievance. I can choose pain, or passion. I can choose fighting, or freedom. And not everyday I make the right choice. Somedays, I lay in my bed and cry. Somedays, I cry before I walk into work. Somedays, I wonder if I will ever make it the next day.

But somedays, aren’t most days. Most days, I choose wisely. I get up and do yoga. I eat healthy. I do my hair and makeup. I take my medicine like I should, gluten is a no-no, and I listen to others with inflammatory issues.

But more importantly, I choose to love like Jesus loves. I choose gratitude because I am so loved, so honored, and so blessed. I choose forgiveness, so I have the freedom to live a passion filled life. I choose grace, because so many people have real issues in their lives, and to honest, I have medical insurance, a great job, and so many people who love me. What more can someone want?

So this is my story. My truth. So yeah, I might not look sick today. My eyelashes are perfect, brows even better. But that doesn’t mean that just because people look great, that they don’t have troubles, too. So I ask for you prayers – if you happen to think about it. For me, the people who help and care about me, my babies, and my co-workers. I have never missed a day of work for this stuff – I don’t plan to now.

So guys, there ya have it. And thanks for all the love and support on the upcoming Podcast! WE ARE SO EXCITED! Anyway, Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

I am not fashion icon for sure, but I do feel quite kitchy in this felt J.Crew Hat. I got this hat on clearance last year and ended up paying like $2.00 for it. AND IT’S J.CREW! Anyway, a blog that just said, “overnight oats” didn’t seem too interesting to me, so I added some flair. It’s me. I’m the flair. And can i be honest a second? When I got up this morning, I totally did my make up big time – because I am unsure what is going on with my outfit. I have on a vest, a tshirt, a ball skirt, and flip flops.

Well, I’ve been super busy. Working full time, taking a full load of college classes, trying to have a personal life – so blogging hasn’t been at the top of my list. But making things as easy as possible and staying organized? That has definitely been at the top of my list. I am a crunchy, granola, type of chick, so I stumbled upon overnight oats in my pinterest search for a healthy and easy breakfast.

Guys.

This. Is. Life.

This is the mother load. The best thing ever. The easiest thing ever. And all my people like it. I am going to give you the recipe, and you can send me all the undying love that you have to give, because it’s just that good. Remember, I am gluten and dairy free, so if you want the gluten and dairy knock yourself out.

  • 1 cup of Silk Almond Milk Original Unsweetened
  • 1/2 cup of Siggi’s plant based Greek Yogurt Plain
  • 1 cup of Bob’s Red Mill Gluten Free Oats
  • 1 tsp of Vanilla Extract
  • 1 tbsp of Honey
  • 1 tbsp of Chia Seeds

Dump in a mason jar, put the lid on it, and stick in the fridge overnight. Breakfast is ready in the morning when you are. Get your favorite toppings, put on top, and Viola! My faves are peanut butter and frozen blueberries, my guys favorite is peanut butter and fresh strawberries. You could do coconut, chocolate chips, trail mix, you name it.

Now, here another great idea with it. Put some local bee pollen in it. I tried to get my guy to drink bee pollen because he has wicked allergies and it helps, but he hated it. Put a tablespoon in there – and he can’t even taste it!

So, I hope you enjoy this as much as I do! If you have some favorite toppings, or a different way to make it, let me know. I am always up for fun recipes. And… stay tuned… I am going to have some fun DIY’s coming up, if I ever get a minute… LOL!

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On. And girl, be brazen.

No shame in my game. I love therapy. Listen- I was widowed at 32 and I am a single mom of three kids. That alone, makes me feel like I need to run screaming to my therapist’s office. That is not what I am writing about, though. This blog isn’t about grief, it isn’t about stress and anxiety, and it isn’t about heartache.

It being Mental Health awareness month, I want to tell you all about my biggest therapy “Aha!” moment. It was finally getting the whole “both/and” thinking. If you can wrap your mind around that, it will change your trajectory of life. What that means, is that two things are capable of being true at the same time. Clear as mud, right? Let me try to make it a little clearer.

Let’s take the most garbage human you know. Think of them. Is your blood boiling? Do you have rage about them? And when you talk to others about them, do you feel like you might explode? I am not gonna name any names, (albeit I would like to post a photo – address – blood type of them right here), but from my own experience – here is what I gather. I want the whole world to think of this person as garbage – truth being? They are garbage TO ME. Also? They are probably pretty decent to other people. Is your mind blown? Yeah. I know. Mine too. That’s just a casual example from my own life. Once again, I ain’t naming any names.

Either/Or to Both/And. Let me give another example. Either I do exactly what my significant other wants me to do today, or he will be upset and our night will be ruined. If you use the both/and mindset, it looks like this. My significant other has some things that are important to him/her and they want me to do it for them. This isn’t an ideal time for me, I have a lot to do, also. I can call them, prioritize, and we can get the most important things done and save the rest for tomorrow.

In this time of quarantine, take time to focus on your mental health. Depression rates are skyrocketing. Domestic abuse is at a high also. Suicide rates have increased. Pay rates have been cut and jobs have been eliminated. In this time of financial fear, I have been able to use my both/and thinking to keep my sanity. I can lose some pay – and still support my family. My company can take a financial loss, and rebound one day. A bad thing and a good thing can be happening at the same time.

If this post doesn’t make sense, my bad. But what I do want is this – kill the stigma and shame behind having mental health issues. You don’t have to keep it together all the time, by yourself. Life can be hard. And you aren’t alone. I still struggle with “all the things” at times. It might be my weight, my hair, my skin, my lips, my emotions, my intelligence, my trust, my fear, my finances, my health. And that was the things from this morning. LOLOL! And yes, I laugh. I laugh because that’s the way I cope sometimes. I laugh.

So, share your mental health story. Reach out and show support.

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On.

Sat Nam.

Since the beginning of this pandemic, I’ve missed out on quite a few things. A couple concerts, a WWE Event, Crimecon, a trip to Chicago, and probably a lot of other things, that I refuse to think about right now.

That being said, I decided I would do a 50 before 50. There are so many things that I keep procrastinating to do. Because I feel like I have time. Well, we do have time – until we don’t. So – Here’s my list. Of 50 things to do before I turn 50. What’s some things you would add to this list?

  1. Get my Passport (doing that this Friday!)
  2. Go to NYC – and kiss in Times Square.
  3. Go on a proper vacation with my kids.
  4. Purchase a home.
  5. Have zero debt (beyond the home – that is.)
  6. Make a trip to Seattle just to go to the original Starbucks.
  7. Get Published
  8. Meet Mel Robbins and have a coffee with her.
  9. Look and feel completely healthy.
  10. Go to 5 baseball stadiums I haven’t been to yet.
  11. Go parasailing.
  12. Wear a dress by Rue De Seine ( http://www.ruedeseine.com )
  13. Learn How to Say “No.”
  14. Eat fish and chips on a pier.
  15. Read 100 books
  16. Read the bible from front to back, novel style.
  17. Take part in a protest
  18. Go in a hot air balloon
  19. Slow Dance in the rain
  20. Spend a month technology free
  21. Ride a Vespa
  22. Travel somewhere alone
  23. Ride in an airboat.
  24. Travel Somewhere Artic.
  25. Be serenaded in a public place
  26. Zipline in Costa Rica
  27. Indoor Skydive
  28. Find the Top 10 Hidden Mickey’s at Animal Kingdom
  29. Hug a Redwood
  30. Ride a horse on the beach.
  31. Stay up all night talking and watch the sunrise.
  32. Attend a Murder Mystery Dinner
  33. See Jimmy Fallon live
  34. See Pink! in concert
  35. Join a Flash Mob
  36. Take a Burlesque Class
  37. Find My Signature Scent
  38. Have a Housecleaner
  39. Host a Low Country Boil
  40. Eat a Molecular Gastronomy Dinner
  41. Give a Ted Talk
  42. Make a Significant Change in Someones Life
  43. Go Deep Sea Fishing
  44. Go to a Yoga Retreat
  45. Stand Up Paddle Board
  46. Ride in a Gondola
  47. Sleep in a Treehouse
  48. Volunteer at a Working Farm
  49. Wear a Fresh Lei
  50. See an Opera at the Sydney Opera House

That made me tired just looking at it!! And excited, too! What are some things you would like to do in the next few years? Have you done any of mine? I’d love to hear your ideas, and what you have done or plan to do once this pandemic is over. Did it make you reflect? Make new goals?

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam.

Oh, and don’t touch your face. Apparently, all I ever want to do now is touch my face.

So – I really wanna know. Whatcha doing in this pandemic? To be honest – my life is somewhat the same. I am an essential employee, so I am still going to work – just shorter hours and less busy. On the weekends, I stay home. Which, to be honest, isn’t that out of the ordinary. I mean, my weekends normally consist of the craft store, grocery shopping, a choir concert, hair appointments, etc. But it’s not like I am some social butterfly, running about town.

What I have noticed is this. It’s weird to have to really think before you go to the grocery store. Or, to ask someone to go for you. It is really weird to stay inside. Not going for a walk downtown. Or running to 7-11 to get a Coke Zero with ice. Ohhhh… I miss a Coke Zero with ice. It’s weird, not seeing my best friend when I want to. And it’s also weird, that my hair is turning into a whole mess. These things I have taken for granted wayyyyy too much.

And maybe, in a weird way – this is a good thing. I do believe, that myself personally, will be forever changed. And anytime I am annoyed from a crowd – I’ll be grateful I can be in one. And when I dread my kids starting school, or get annoyed over homework – I’ll be grateful, that I am not the teacher. Glory in Heaven for that. I am not teacher material.

But, for real. What have you guys done? I have, and in no particular order – Binge watched Tiger King. Same with My 600-lb Life. I have sewn a ton of face masks. I made two skirts. I am working on making a bathing suit – we will see how that goes. I have went to church in my Living Room, and have had worship service in my bathroom. I have learned that I am a hard core dance queen, and my daughter’s Tik Tok account is proof of that. I have meditated. I have watched movies. I have done yoga. I have done my make-up – just because I want to be pretty at home. LOL!

You know what else I have done? Cried. I have cried because I miss my bestie. I have cried because my hair looks like crap. I have cried over not knowing if I should or should not venture out to the grocery stores. I have worried over finances. I have made lists of things I want to accomplish – then I took a nap. So, I guess my intro is a bunch of malarkey. My life is different, too.

So, whether you are creating, or crying. Laughing or grieving. All are okay and perfectly acceptable. But drop a comment or send me a message, and let me know how you are handling it. And give me some good ideas – because this could be longer rather than shorter.

Oh. And Carole Baskin totally did it.

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine On.

(And I won’t tell you to “Wash your Hands”, because you are grown and know to do that, and to say that is almost passive-aggressive, rudeness at this point. LOLOL! )

Sat Nam.

So…. this year, at my company’s Christmas Party, I won an Amazon Gift Card! I was so excited! If you are anything like me, when I have no money – I can tell you 100000 things I would like. But give me a gift card, or let me have some spending money, I have a hard time making a decision.

But this time, I knew exactly what I was going to get. You got it – I got a ‘bed of nails’, or as other less dramatic people call it – an acupressure mat. Having an autoimmune disease is super tough. There are days that you feel great, and then boom – all of a sudden your body feels like that of a 90 year old woman. Stress, and by stress I mean emotional or physical, can almost cripple me. Well, guess what – everyone has stress, right? There is no way you are going to be a momma of three kids and not have stress. So, what does one do?

Well, you learn to eliminate your stress as much as possible. I meditate, I pray, I exercise, I watch what I eat like a hawk. I take my medicine. I write. I journal. And now? Yep. I lay on a bed of nails. And as crazy as it sounds, if you suffer with back pain in anyway shape or form, get this thing. And no, I am not being paid to review this at all. This is just one girl wanting others to have the same relief I have had.

My bed of nails!

So, here’s a little bit of history on it. They claim that the bed of nails has been used as a relaxation aid for 5,000 years. Thousands of sharp spikes apply pressure to skin and muscles supporting restful sleep, relaxation, mental clarity and well-being. And guess what? It really does. Now don’t get it twisted. It is one of the weirdest things I have done, that actually works.

So, you have this mat – with these hard plastic spikes all over it. You it down, strip down, and lay back. I undress from the waist up, and roll down on it. One vertebrae at a time. Now, it is gonna be uncomfortable for the first little bit. But then, you feel a warmth take over your whole back. The first time, I did it for about 10 minutes, now – it’s about 25. I listen to a guided meditation while I do it, but if that isn’t your thing, you could totally watch TV, too.

And here is what I have noticed. I feel calmer. I do sleep better. But my favorite? When I wake up – I don’t feel stiff. So, Kristie tested. Kristie Approved. Get on amazon and get ya one!

Love Fully. Live Fully. Shine on.

Sat Nam

Well, well, well. Here I am. Eating Crow.

Ya know all that crap I wrote about getting my nails done? How I hate holding hands with people, but I am going to do it? Budget it? And make it happen?

Yes. I know. It is horrifying.

Well, that was a lie. Ya wanna know why? BECAUSE I AM NEVER GETTING MY NAILS DONE AGAIN! (That could be a lie, too – but it’s gonna take a minute. ) You want to know why? Pain. That’s why. Pain.

You know how they say beauty is painful or something like that? I don’t think they meant slamming your finger in a door and ripping the perfectly manicured nail off my long, bony fingers. And yes, I realize I made my hands sound like witch hands. Whatever, It’s Halloween. And MY FINGER LOOKS LIKE MY COSTUME!

I will say this, I had put off blogging some, because it was really hard to type with my nails. Maybe God was saying, “Kristie! Wake Up! Stop being vain, and do what you are supposed to do!” I wish it had been a little less vicious, not gonna lie. LOL.

So, I don’t often eat crow. But today, I bow my head, and say – “I’m gonna stick with my natural nails for the standard days – and get me some press-ons when I need a boost. Because. This was traumatizing.

Canuck the Crow gained fame for stealing a knife from an East Vancouver crime scene. (Facebook/thecrowandI)

And by eating crow, I don’t mean the super cool murder-y Canuck. I mean, the colloquial idiom, pure humiliation after being proven wrong – when you take a strong position. Yeah, I had to eat crow.

And for you viewing pleasure and add a little-lightheartedness to this – here is a pic of my favorite crow, Canuck. Canuck is a mischievous little crow, who according to the Audubon society:

Canuck, a hand-raised crow from Vancouver, Canada, that was caught making off with a knife from a crime scene in a McDonald’s parking lot earlier this year. The incident was a violent one: A man set fire to his own car and threatened the police with a knife. Shots were fired. Afterward, in swept Canuck, plucking the knife from the crime scene and even causing an officer to give chase. Eventually the bird dropped the weapon and avoided any criminal charges.  

Audubon Society

So there ya have it. I should stuck with my gut. If I had, maybe my finger wouldn’t look like Cancuck dropped his murder-y knife on it.

Live Fully. Live Fully.

Sat. Nam.

This is not what I intended on writing about. At all. But if you haven’t seen this show on Netflix, called “Botched Up Bodies”. Watch it.

Well, wait a second. If you have a weak stomach, or you are weak of heart – don’t watch it. But seriously. I am traumatized from seeing it. Completely.

Disclaimer: I am not opposed to plastic surgery in anyway, shape, or form. I believe, that if you can afford it, and it makes you feel better about yourself – do it! But please, make sure that you are doing it for yourself.

Botched Up Bodies is a show from the UK. It shows some of their top plastic surgeons, who are fixing the terrible work of either inept surgeons, black market, or faulty surgeries. What I saw was horrifying. It also broke my heart. Some of these people, had been miserable for years after their procedures. And most, have suffered actual medical problems, that they didn’t have to begin with. All stemming from surgery. For example, a nose job that went wrong – that actually caused sinus damage and prevented breathing from one nostril.

Then it got into injections. People had been injected with bathroom sealer. Into their faces, their bottoms, their breasts. I can’t. Just the whole idea makes me feel all twirly.

So, Kristie. Why are you writing this? Cause it happens. And I don’t want it to happen to anyone. Because it was horrible. A lady lost her hands and feet from it. And was grateful, because it could have been her life. She said, “We live in a world where we want what we want, and we want it now, and don’t do the work to get it.”

That hit home with me. We want the new cars. The fancy clothes. The perfect bodies. But are we willing to do the work? And of course, there are somethings that we can do nothing about through exercise, etc. But then, shouldn’t we do the work to be able to save to go to a reputable physician? That answer is an astounding yes.

Because, guys. Being pretty isn’t worth dying over. It just isn’t. Before you do anything voluntarily to yourself, make sure – you do your research. You know that the person is reputable, and you understand the possible side effects. I know, not my regular type of post. But seriously. It was scary – and made me think.

Well. I ghosted for a few days. Figuratively and almost literally. I’m gonna share more than I normally do – just because it is something that I think needs to be addressed. Because if I am dealing with it, I know I’m not the only one.

I am the picture of health to most people. I go to the gym. I run. I do yoga. I meditate. I am proactive about my health. But it isn’t because I am health nut- it’s because I have to be. The past two years my poor body has been through the ringer. It’s been one of those things where I really say, what’s next.

Sunday. I got sick. Super sick. The type of sick where you really get scared. I was vomiting uncontrollably. It went on for about four hours. I slept in the bathroom floor for awhile. I went to bed, and woke up once to puke again. I woke up, saying “I’ll be better today!” And guess what. I wasn’t. I tried to talk myself into it. Although, I had quit puking. I felt like crap. My whole body ached. My feet hurt when I stepped on the ground. I figured after a good nights sleep, I’d feel better.

Lies.

I woke up the next day, and to be honest, I knew there was something off. I call the doctor- and I am instructed to go to the Emergency Room. So, off I go.

I was ashamed. Ashamed I was sick. Ashamed there was another problem. I was mortified that I would miss another day of work. Let me state- that in the three years I have been employed there- this is the fifth day I called out sick. So, as of last Sunday- 3 days In three years. And please know, my employers are fantastic. Two of those days- they forced me to take off. Because they knew the problems I was having. So it’s self induced- the panic and shame I feel.  It isn’t from them.  It’s from me. 

I associate, and I think a lot of people do, being sick with being weak. This association is only for myself though. Not others. I feel for others with health issues. I encourage rest, doctors, talking, time off, take care if yourself. But for my own self? Complete shame. I feel like if I was stronger. If I did something different. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten sick.

Well, this day- it was a ‘cardiac event’ stemmed from dehydration. To break it down- my heart was angry because I was dehydrated. I was given a million bags of iv fluids- and I am on the mend. It’s amazing how fluids can make such a difference. Who knew.

Guess who I contacted? Only the people I absolutely had to. Why? Because I don’t want people to pity me, or think – ‘now what’? Because listen. I’ve heard the tones before. When you have a weak moment and you tell a friend about what you are going through, and they seem- judge-y. It sucks. The “WOW. That seems like a lot.” Or “it seems like it something different every week. “

You are right, Karen. It does. And it doesn’t seem like something. It is something. But all the little issues all started with the big one. But please, tell me more about the person who had 14 items in the 10 item or less checkout. And keep being dismissive.

Yes. That was bitterness you detected. But this why I just keep my mouth shut. Shame. I was shamed once and became self conscience. So, I really kinda ‘suffer alone’- not even trying to sound dramatic. I could have asked a number of people to come sit at the hospital with me today- and I was scared. But I refused to ask. Why? Shame. Don’t want to bother anyone.  And I am so not kidding.  I literally have a list of people who would have came.  But because of one statement, by someone that I am not even really friends with at all, it clammed me up. 

So, if your loved one has health issues. Or you even know someone who is just struggling, health or not, and you are in a good mental place – Call.  Text them.  Reach out.  Let the speak freely.  It’s hard to be by yourself.  And just because someone is married, has kids, great parents – doesn’t mean that they don’t feel ashamed.  Autoimmunity, cancer, flu, or just a string of bad luck- let them know it’s okay to call them. It’s a lonely world when you feel shamed. This isn’t a fact that I have no one – I do. This is just me saying openly- it’s hard to let people in sometimes- especially when you feel like a broken human.57832145616__5040EA94-B9FE-440F-B011-59641F411E6F

Because some days. I do feel broken.  I understand.  It’s hard.

Then I gotta remember – God’s doesn’t let us be broken.  And then, I talk to my tribe and they reassure me.  That they love me.  They just love me.  And everytime, they tell me that.  A little bit of that wall comes down.  

And I am so grateful. For my health. My home. My family. My friends. I am a lucky one.