So, I definitely had the best day that I have had since Shaun died.  His testimony was played at church, and it was fantastic.  Josh Lazzar is an amazing creative arts pastor – and I am thankful that God has blessed our church staff such amazing talent.  It’s inspiring.  But here is a little bit about my day.  I was surrounded – and I mean surrounded – by my friends and church family at church this morning.  All eager to hear God’s word, and see Shaun’s testimony.  (Pete, Kelly, Brooke, and Jesse – you guys mean the world to me.)  But also, Natalie, Megan, Jake, and Baby Jake were there.  For those of you who don’t know – that’s Shaun’s 10 year old daughter, her mom, stepdad, and baby brother.  It melted and warmed my heart – that they are all such amazing people – that they drove from Maryland, to stand by me and support me this morning.  We went to Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch – a party of twelve.  We ate, talked, laughed, and told stories about Shaun.  After lunch, Natalie got initiated into the “Tom’s” Club (the shoes – http://www.toms.com if you don’t know what I am talking about).  Then we went to Charming Charlie, my favorite store ever, and just walked around and looked at pretty jewelry.  We came home – relaxed – kids played – and sat around and talked.
Today I felt closer to Shaun ever.  I think he was proud of the video.  I know he was happy to see all the support that our friends and family gave me.  I know he his happy that more people when turn their lives to God, and he will get to see them in heaven.  So thank you everyone who made this day possible…I love you all so much.  Praise God for all his blessings – even in this tragedy.

Today, my oldest two kids came home from visiting family in Tennessee.  I have never been so happy to see their faces.  And the look different.  I can’t tell you how they look different, but someway they did.  We talked about Shaun, Cassie, and everything that happened in the past 6 weeks.  Those poor kids have been through it.  It is so hard to process what all has happened – to make their little minds understand that God is in control.  And so hard to not break down and try to be the strong one – while they are crying in my arms over all the stressful events.  I personally can’t even imagine going through what I am as a child.  And that’s what they are experiencing right now.  As a momma, you want to make everything better – give the kids a great life – and make it better than yours ever was.  I feel like I am off to a poor start.  But Isabella told me something today out of the blue.  She said, “It makes me so sad that Shaun died – but I am so happy he is happy.  And, I wouldn’t change anything – because he loved me a whole lot.”  And he couldn’t have said it better himself.  He did love her “a whole lot”.
As much as I hurt, as sad as I get, I have some awesome kids.  I am so thankful for them.  Thankful for the thumbprint that Shaun left on their hearts.  Thankful that  they knew such an amazing love like they knew from him.  They are going to be better people because of it.  And that makes me love him even more – even though it hurts a lot.

So, I got off work this afternoon, and after I picked up Jacoby – I decided to run to Wal-Mart for a few things. I was walking through the home section, and I had this throbbing rush of pain in my chest. And what I was thinking about was how Shaun always did this – or we did it together. But if we did it together, we normally would do the Wal-mart split. You know what I mean – one gets stuff from one side of the store, the other from the other side – then you meet back up. Saves time. Get’s you out of Wal-mart quicker – that makes everyone happy. I felt very lonely and sad. And then I realized I had felt this way before.
Weird, right? I thought so too – and it was kinda a deja’ vu moment. Well we all know I haven’t been through this before. But it was a deep feeling of sadness and emptiness and I wanted to cry. Then I realized what it was. Wal-mart was the same – home section was the same – cart the same – baby was different. I remembered walking through Wal-mart, when Isabella was little – and feeling the same way. Sad, empty, and lonely. And what I was sad for then, is completely different than what I am now – in a way. My first husband and I weren’t getting a long. Not his fault or mine – just a fact of life. And it hurt. It hurt in a physical way. I was afraid for my baby – not having the “normal” life I thought she should. I was sad, because I knew that what I truly wanted – which was passionate love, sickening, in your face, can’t get enough of you love – I was never going to have with him. And once again, it just wasn’t there – no fault of either, it just wasn’t. But I was sad, just the same.
Now here’s my point. Is this ten thousand times worse than that. Of course, absolutely, and YES! But up until that point of my life, it was my lowest. I hadn’t experienced this – so on my scale of horribleness – it took the cake. But now, my scale has shifted. But that yucky, in your chest ache – were both identical. So, many people discount their feelings when they talk to me and say, ” I don’t know what you are going through” – and you are 100 percent correct. You don’t. But I don’t know what you have went through either. And my pain and your pain might be the worst we both ever experienced. So, in a weird way – you do know. You know the pain – just not the situation. So, for everyone who is hurting, don’t discount the way you feel – it’s real. This verse is for you –
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

I talked to my aunt last night. My mom’s oldest sister. She is 80 years young. And I have a bond with her that I wish I never had. She also lost her husband at a young age an unexpectedly. And to be honest, I felt like she understood how I was feeling. She let me talk about Shaun, what I miss, how sad I feel at times. And she listened. She told me how she still loves her Jim and always will. And I know she will. And she talked about how she can’t wait to get to heaven and run into his arms. I know how she feels. I can’t wait for that day either. So, I guess I just wanted to take a second to say I was blessed by her last night. And I am thankful for her. She told me to keep praying and hold on to every memory. And I will. I love you, Aunt Lottie. And thanks for the chat.

– Kristie blogging from her iPhone!

Location:County Road 750,Fredericksburg,United States

“Don’t take a free ride in your own life” – jacked that from Nickelback. But that’s what I did for a long time.  But it got me thinking.  I have been through a lot in my 30ish years.  Not as much as some, more than others.  But it’s my hand – my life – my situations – so they seem pretty important to me.  Five weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life.  Five weeks ago this moment – I sat comatose in my bedroom with family and friends helplessly looking on wanting to take it all way.  Six weeks ago today, my life seemed perfect.  I was happy, crazy in love, healthy kids, great family, awesome church – all things were great.  And now look.  I just looked at my list  – everything is still the exact same except the word “happy”.  I am not happy.  I am frankly quite melancholy.  I feel like Eeyore.  My perspective is different now.  I am still crazy in love – Shaun just can’t tell me he loves me too. My kids are still healthy.  My family is great.  My church is amazing.  I just don’t have him.
My sister scared me to death yesterday – I really thought I was getting ready to lose her too.  I wanted it to be me.  Not her.  I wanted to take her pain and worry away.  I wanted to help and I couldn’t.  I got angry.  I felt like why does this keep happening to me!?!  And that answer I don’t know.  But I do know this.  Cassie would want me to keep on – be tough – and pray.  Shaun would want me to keep on – be tough – and take care of Cassie – pray – the kids.  Two of the most important people in my life would say the exact same thing.  It amazes me how God puts people in our lives, who are totally different, but exactly the same.  I don’t understand his plan – not at all – not even close.  But I am going to continue to praise him.  Because I know he is in control.  And I need to – and I want to.  Please continue to pray for my sister – I love her so much.  But please continue to pray for me, too.  And well, anyone else who needs it.  Prayers work.  I want to change this world – one person at a time.

Two of the most horrible days of my life happened 4 weeks and 6 days apart from one another.  I got a phone call this morning that my sister had a small aneurysm at the brain stem.  She is in ICU at the hospital in Tennessee.  How does this really happen?  Who does this happen to?  Me apparently.  My family.  It has been a horrible day.  I don’t know how to act – react – anything.  All I can think about is her.  And Shaun.  And how Shaun would have fixed all this if he had been here.
My sister and I are so close.  She is like another me – but short.  We have our own secret language.  We laugh at one another.  She was here for me through Shaun’s death.  I have never been so scared as I have been today.  When Shaun died, I found him.  He was already gone.  It wasn’t something where the possibility was looming.  I have yelled – cried – and prayed laying in the floor. Please pray for her.  I still know that God is in control – but I had a major setback today. Not as far a God being in control – just as far as me being able to cope.  I just need her to be okay. I went back from taking it day by day to taking it minute by minute. I know a lot of you all have prayed for me incessantly – tonight – please pray for her.  I will make it through – she needs you now – and I need that too.  God is in control, and he can fix this.  I love you Cassie – you are the best little big sister ever – Always and forever – Connected.

I hate onions.  They make my eyes water and they stink.  Some people that stink smell like onions.  So it comes full circle.  But, I was having a conversation with my sister the other day, and I think I am an onion.  And, how I became an onion is quite stinky.  I feel like I used to be an orange….Shiny and good on the outside, you open it up – and there are a few individual pieces that make up the inside on an orange.  Now, my outside is transparent of my inside, and there are hundreds of different layers that make me now. Some are bigger than others, but there they are.
This whole experience almost feels cruel to me.  Too much for one person to endure.  I have tried to explain it to myself.  Especially, the first couple weeks – I didn’t want to talk to anyone, with the exception of a select few, about it.  I was in the middle of an emotional and spiritual crisis.  At a crossroads, if you will.  And I could let this kill me – leave me mostly unchanged but bitter – or change me into the creation that Shaun already was.  Then I thought about what he would want – we all know the answer to that.  But to write it, and actually do it – two totally seperate things.  It’s like telling your kid to put their clothes in the hamper, but yours are all over the floor (not that such an atrocious act would ever happen in my house), but same concept.  I am trying to be real here, let it out day by day my thoughts and emotions.  This has really been a journey.
I will never “be over” losing the love of my life.  Never.  To be honest, I never want to be.  But, I do want to do amazing things in memory of him.  I want everyone to have what he gave me.  So where am I at now?  Let me sum it up – 1.  I will never stop mourning – and probably never stop crying – but I have discovered what I have now.  2.  Through Shaun’s death – God has given me courage that I never thought I’d possess.  I think he took a little of Shaun’s bravery and gave it to me.  I’m not scared to ask anyone to church, tell them my beliefs – and I don’t care if they judge me – all the better reason for me to give a long winded explanation… 🙂  3. I know that I will get to see Shaun again, I just have to wait to get to heaven to do it.  4. “We” say, Shaun died.  Newsflash (I totally wish I could make this word strobe right now) – my husband didn’t die.  Because he was saved.  He is still living.  Just not on earth – he’s living in heaven – and loving every minute of it. 

So, to sum it up – I’m alive.  On the planet Earth.  And I will continue to do what I stated above, until the day I leave this earth.  And, because I know what is waiting when I get there – I am ready to go whenever God sees fit. 

Life is demanding, without understanding….I saw the sign it opened up my eyes – I saw the sign.  No one’s gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong….
Yup, I did.  I just started my blog off with a little bit of Ace of Base… It made me chuckle, so anything I can do to get one of those these days – I am.  But there is a reason I typed it, and it’s about my day.  I have prayed and read the Bible more in the past four weeks than I have ever in my life.  And I have prayed for a sign from God – if Shaun was okay – that he was happy.  And today I believe I got one.  And it was booming in my ears.  And here’s the weird thing.  Or neat, as my brother in law would say – I could actually hear the blood rushing through my ears when it happened.  I am not going to get into the details as to what it was – if you know me and wanna call and ask – feel free.  It’s just way to much to type – and I am honestly scared that if I type it – it will sound crazy – because I don’t know the words to describe it.  Anyway, I digress. 
I have felt emotions throughout this ordeal, that there isn’t even words invented yet to describe them.  And today was another one of those feelings.  I talked to a friend of mine from church, and I think I gave her every adjective known to man – and they were all short of the feeling I had.  None of them did it justice.  But I know God has the words for them – and he is probably laughing as a type right now.
I want to say this, if I may be so bold – Get your heart in order.  Christ saved my husband – and me – I know that.  And although he allowed this to happen – I almost feel closer to Shaun than ever – and I am understanding the magnitude of God’s love.  Let me rephrase that – I am understanding, that I will never be able to understand the magnitude of God’s love.  And to be loved on this earth, as I was by Shaun, and to be loved by God like I am – I am one blessed person.  Thanks guys for reading my rants.  I love everyone of you – more than you could know… and to quote Shaun, “Whoever needs this – I love you – God loves you – And I am praying for you.”

It has been one month and one day.  It has been the worst one month and one day of my life.  Throughout this one month and one day – I have screamed, cried more than what I thought was humanly possible, thought about life, the point of it – and have faced the fear of becoming a single mother to three wonderful kids.  It’s scary.  It’s surreal.  And I don’t know exactly how I am going to do it – but every one keeps saying, “Take one second, one minute, one day at a time.”  So that is what I am trying to do.  I think about Shaun every minute.  That hasn’t changed at all.  But who I am has changed completely.  I used to want to talk to everyone and anyone – now I feel like I am sorta reclusive.  I don’t want to scare anyone with my “widow” story – and trust – I would tell.  I seem to have some form of mouth diarrhea that makes me say it. 
I believe that God has a purpose for me and my kids.  I don’t have any idea what it is – or why I must suffer through this to reach his plan – but he does.  And I am waiting anxiously to see what that plan is going to be. I would give anything to be able to do it without this pain.  Just to wake up, this all be a bad dream, and he be beside me.  But – it isn’t going to happen.  I am never going to be the same again.  Never.   But how blessed I am to have his memories – and to have his love.  He promised to love me until death do us part.  I just don’t think we either one ever thought it would be possible to be this soon.  But he kept his promise – now I have to make him remembered.  Have to.

Yep.  That’s a good word.  Well, not a good word, per se – but descriptive.  One of Webster’s definitions of torture is “to afflict with severe pain of body or mind”.  And well, I have both.  It seems all I can do is think about what I am missing.  I have such a hard time – at times – being happy for Shaun.  Because, frankly, I am some what self absorbed and I feel sorry for me.  And, albeit I know he is better off than any of us – I still find it weird to feel joy for someone who has died.  Because I still feel sad for the ones left here on earth.  Is that even normal?  I don’t know.
Take Amy Winehouse dying today for example.  I know that probably no one in this world was shocked.  But I find it horribly sad. I cried, pretty hard, when I found out.  Not because I am a die hard Amy Winehouse fan, because it is tragic. I, like probably a good chunk of the population, thought she was somewhat nutty, had a lot of  problems, but boy – that broad could sing.  But today, when I heard she died, all I could think about was the pain that her family was feeling.  How horrible their day was.  How, even though I am sure they worried about her due to her public displays of rebellion – they loved her.  And their hearts are broken.  Are they in shock?  Do they have that same feeling like – this is not real?  She might have been famous, had a ton of money, but that poor girl was miserable.  It was visible just to look at her.  And I really hope that her loved ones find peace in the fact that she is no longer tortured.  Now it is their turn to be.  I don’t mean that ugly – I just know that, from personal experience, it feels like torture.  You heart feels physical pain – like heart attack moments.  Maybe even like a weight is inside and pulling it down… and sometimes it feels “burnish”.  But then  your brain aches – with all the memories, sweet but painful.
I know that our lives are fleeting.  Time is fleeting.  I know that I will be reunited with Shaun in heaven.  I daydream about what that day will be like.  I mean, will he get memos as important things happen in life?  I cannot wait to jump in those huge arms again and feel that hug.  I wish I could describe to you what hugging him felt like.  Everyone should have that feeling at some point in their lives.  Complete and total love and protection.  I felt protected by him.  He would have taken a bullet for me.  I know that.  It’s scary to have to turn into the protector/provider/parent – in an instant.  It’s scary to picture him never being on earth again.  It’s scary that I don’t know how long it will be before I see him in heaven.  But it’s wonderful to know that God has blessed me beyond belief, to where he will be waiting there for me.  And I will get my perfect hug again….