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I had the flu.

For real.

Like, they stuck a cotton swab in my nose – ran a test – and it came back positive – for the flu.

They gave me Tamiflu.  So I am not kidding.  I seriously, had the flu.

I write this to tell you this.  I have never, ever, ever in the history of my life – been that sick.  I have said before, “I have the flu…”.  I will admit publicly – I HAVE NEVER EVER HAD THE FLU UNTIL NOW.  For four days, I had a fever.  I took motrin alternating with tylenol.  My fever never got below 100.5.  It got up to a little above 103.  I was pretty sure I was dying.  And there were moments, when I prayed to fall asleep.  Just so time would pass – and maybe I would wake up and be better.

Yesterday, I called in sick to work for today.  I have not called in sick in over three years to work.  And the last time I called in?  Food Poisoning.  I went to work a week after having a C-Section.  I needed the money and health insurance.  And I don’t say this to brag on myself or talk about how tough I am…. But I am tough.  But this weekend, I knew I was beat.  There was no possible way for me to be better in a mere 24 hours to go to work.

I woke up at 2 am.  Soaked.  My bedsheets were dripping.  My clothes.  My fever had broken.  And although it was disgusting – I almost cried.  Because I saw it as a sign that it was almost over.  Am I 100%?  Nope.  80%?  Still probably pushing it.  But, I have showered.  Walked around.  Poured some tea.  Talked to my kids, a little.  And have been upright a lot more than horizontal.  I laughed.  A few times.

And you know what’s scary?  Hearing my own laugh kinda shocked me.  But it made me smile.  It’s almost like I forgot in those four days – how to be human and myself.  I’m coming back, but wow.

This is why I am writing this.  I rarely pray and thank God for my health.  I pray to keep my family healthy and safe.  But I can’t say I have ever had  a grateful heart for just feeling good.  Well, there is a new reminder on my phone.  Be grateful for you health.  I can’t even imagine what it’s like for people who suffer daily with different illnesses.  So, I am thankful for this flu.  It put a lot in perspective.  And I am coming out of it with a grateful heart.  So, I pray I never get the flu again – but on the bright side – I learned something from it.

 

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Today has been a wicked Monday.  Horrible.  Worse than I could ever think.  It all started off okay – kinda of like a regular Monday.  Just like most people, who deal with customers and customer service, the weekend can reek havoc for a Monday.  I was prepped and ready to go.  That goes, until about  one o’clock.

One of my friends, came to me, with a look of absolute horror on his face.  And said, “This day needs to end.”  He is one of those people who is always positive.  When I have a bad day  – I get upset – he tells me, “Is this something you really wanna get upset over?”  And sometimes yes, most of the time no.  But for him to look stunned, made a sharp chill go to my core.  I asked him what happened.  And nothing would have prepped me for what he was getting ready to say.

Someone that I used to work with, one of my first friends here in Orlando, was in a tragic car accident on Saturday.  He was hit head-on, with his entire family in the car.  He is in very critical condition.  His wife, is severely injured, but projected to be okay.  He lost his two little girls.  Ages 6 and 8.  I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it.

He is a sweet man.  Soft spoken.  Kind.  Once he left the shop where I met him, I still saw him often around town.  My job has a small circle – and you run into each other.  Less than a month ago, I saw him.  He was telling me how excited he was for an advancement in his new company.  He was smiling from ear to ear.  He asked me about my family.  We laughed and caught up.  I told him we all needed to get together soon.  I never made a plan to do so.  And I hate myself for it.

When Shaun died, the only thing that carried me through – was my kids.  They still needed their momma.  Losing a husband was horrible.  I have selfishly said, when referencing that experience, how horrible it was.  How he was too young.  We never thought.  And we were young.  And it was tragic.  But  nothing on this earth is as tragic as losing a child.  My heart is bleeding for them.

So please, this blog is plea – pray for them.  Constantly.  Pray for Rich, the daddy, he is in really bad shape.  Pray for Amanda, his wife, she just lost her children, is injured, and I am sure petrified for her husband. I wish I could help them.  This is the only way I know how.  I figure a number of people read my blog.  So let’s just blanket them in prayer.  I am attaching a link below – so you can pray specifically.  This is all I got to help to right now.

http://www.wtsp.com/story/news/2016/02/07/2-vehicle-crash-leaves-3-children-dead-polk-county/79965558/

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It’s two days after Christmas.  The ruckus has died down.  The kids are all content – and getting along.  It’s remotely quiet in my house.  I am sitting in my bed, watching netflix and youtube, and yes – simultaneously (I’m good like that).  But I kept saying to myself, do something productive.  Don’t waste your day.  You need to blog.  So, here we meet again.

Now, when you are completely being lazy – it’s hard to think of a topic.  And I just looked around – and realized there is my topic.  This weekend is my topic.  I went to Publix today, to pick up a few things.  One of those items were chia seeds.  It took me forever to find them – but when I did – I felt like I ran a marathon – and won it!  Why?  Because I found them without asking anyone.  So there is one little personal win.

For those of you who know me, I love yoga.  Pitaiyo.  Mediation.  I burn incense.  Yes, I have a touch of hippie, granola kid deep down in my heart.  I have a tattoo of the “om” symbol.  I like to stay at peace and relax.  And throughout my practice, I am able to do that about 80% of the time now.  Yesterday, I went to World Market.  And I found the most amazing scarf.  It’s a huge, huge scarf- almost like a blanket – that hangs to my ankles – and it has the “om” symbol on it.  And….. wait for it….. It was on CLEARANCE!  It was like it was meant for me.  So, I roll into Publix, with space leggings, a blank long tank top, and a huge “om” scarf blanket thing draped around me.  Did I look silly? Maybe.  Did I feel fabulous? Definitely….

I have been practicing the winged eyeliner for awhile now.  Today – I nailed it.  Quickly.  Finally.  Like in the amount of time it takes me to put on normal eyeliner.  I can be taught.

I say all this to say – this might seem like a little boring blogpost today.  But, It’s a little list of somewhat unimportant wins, but wins – nonetheless.  Take heart in  your little successes every single day.  It might just be the success of sitting down and watching a show on Netflix.  Or completing a blog.  Or having the confidence to wear something that might not be fashionable – because it makes you feel amazing.

So, before the new year begins… Try to find some downtime, and take a minute to love your individuality.  And just be kind.

Xoxo

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So, here we are again.  Another thanksgiving.  My least favorite holiday of all time.  And it isn’t because I am not thankful – or that I don’t like turkey – or parades – I love all that stuff.  It is just a tough day for me.

On this day, years ago, I was sitting in the sunroom at my parents house.  Leaves we gorgeous, the air was cool and crisp, and we had just came in from throwing a football.  I look over at Shaun, and he had tears running down his face.  I asked him, “What’s wrong?” And he said to me, “This is all I ever wanted.  I never thought it was possible.”  And then he died six and half months later.  That was our last thanksgiving together, and he was so happy.

Now, I hear all the time, “You need to enjoy the day – you need to do  it for the kids… Be happy his last thanksgiving was amazing.”  And yes, I do to an extent.  It isn’t being off – it isn’t the holiday per se.  Its the haunting memory that comes with it. I have been strong since he died.  Over, and over, and over, and over.  This day, affects me like birthdays- anniversary – christmas, affects others.  Part of my heart breaks again.  My throat doesn’t want to swallow.  My eyes feel burny.  There is a part that feels lonely.

So, I came upstairs to get ready for my day.  And I decided to let it out.  I cried, hard – sitting in my bathroom floor.  I decided to write this – because I know if I feel this way, others do too.

Today, I am gonna allow myself to mourn and be sad.  Right now.  In this minute.  And then, I am going to be thankful.  Happy.  I am so blessed.  I am so loved.

But, if you are mourning this thanksgiving – allow yourself.  Just don’t let it consume you.  I have done that the last few years.  Today will be different.  I will acknowledge it.  Let myself feel it.  Be thankful that I am alive to feel it.  And carry on.

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Yesterday was mine and Shaun’s wedding anniversary.  And to be honest, I was good.  I thought about it off and on all day.  But I didn’t cry.  I didn’t mourn.  I celebrated in my own way.  I laughed.  I watched some netflix.  I took a bubble bath.  I continued my Saturday like a “normal” day.  And it was a good day.

And here is why I am writing.  It might have taken me years, but I can see the bright side.  In a whole lot of situations – and that was one of them.  I could sit and cry that he died – or be happy that our paths crossed and I was allowed to meet him, love him, and I have an amazing little boy from him.  It’s a choice.  I choose to be happy.

And here is a funny thing.  A lot of people, and I mean a lot, condemn me for my attitude.  Sometimes, people consider my happiness, my perkiness – as a negative.  I have heart the terms “fake”, “insincere”, “abrupt”, “overly friendly and she can’t be that happy”, “too positive – no one thinks that way” – and I could go on.  But I won’t.  And why?  Because they are all wrong.

I have been through a lot more than most people my age.  I have dealt with a lot.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  And I am so thankful for every single one.  Not that I am proud of it all, of course I’m not – but it has turned me into who I am.  And do I get mad? yes.  Irritated?  of course.  I am human, after all.  But – I am happy.  My personality is sincere – and I don’t care a whole lot if people think it isn’t.  I used to, but I don’t now.  Those who know me – know the real me.  And those who choose to get to know me, might change their mind.

So, look to the bright side.  You might be going through a horrible time.  And I am so sorry if you are.      
Let me know.  Send me a message – whatever you need to do. I promise I care.  I will pray my heart out for you.  But look in the mirror and find a couple blessings – I am positive they are there.  And here is a little something to make your heart smile – and make you think of all your blessings.  I love each and everyone of you!  (And I really do….. LOLOL!)

And just be thankful – for what you have.  It might be the one thing people dream of…..

https://www.facebook.com/kandeejohnson/videos/10153237374671662/

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It’s funny, in a an absurd type of way – but it’s true.  I bought an iPhone 6 plus, one year ago.  It’s the one with 128 mb.  And you want to know why I bought it? Because the level of storage for photos was so high.  I have two obsessions.  One is music, the other is photos.  An iPhone – well provides both.  That is, as long as you have the memory for it.  So when it came out – I was on it.  There was nothing I hated more, than getting ready to take a picture, and my phone stop me.  The phone would tell me, I needed to delete a picture to take another picture.  Did this phone know what it was asking me to do?  How do I delete a moment, to create another?  What if I didn’t save it?  Needless to say, it was drove me nuts.  And you want me to delete a song?  No.  ‘Nuff said.

I had a conversation with one of my bosses this week, about iPhone Vs. Android.  He asked me why I loved the iPhone, although he has one.  I told him the above.  And he said, “You really take that many pictures?”.  Yes, I do.

So this weekend, I looked through them.  And didn’t delete any.  But I did notice this. Photos tell such a story, that we might not remember.  Photos tell the truth.  They show happiness, sadness, and absence.  They capture moments that we forget.  They an often show how you feel, even when you didn’t realize you felt that way.  I saw a photo of me and Jacoby – and he was squeezing my neck, from behind.  I remember, that I felt so thankful.  In that moment – I felt teary.  And I posted it on Facebook and Instagram – and no one knew I was teary in the picture.  But I remembered when I saw it.  After everything I have been through – I was thankful.  And completely at peace with those little hands around my neck.  I was okay with the hand I had been given.  Because, although it was a horrible road – God got me to where I am at today.

Photographs can show you things you can’t see through your own eyes.  Maybe you can’t see how beautiful you are.  How great you look when you laugh.  Sometimes, Looking at a photo – can tell you more than you thought you ever knew.  So, keep your photos.  Save them – and let’s be a little different.  Print some out – hang them on your wall.  Keep your amazing moments in your foreground.  I posted a quote a few months back on Facebook, I believe, and it said, “Photographs seems unimportant, until that’s all you have left.”  For some parts of my life, photographs are the only proof it existed.  But for now, in my current life, photographs show me how lucky I am.

Have a great night.  Xoxo.

Let brotherly love continue.  Hebrews 13:1




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Not really, but really.

Today, here in sunny Florida – it isn’t so sunny.  It’s been raining off and on all day.  I have got a lot of things done, and can smile on my productivity.  But that isn’t what I am talking about, per se.  For those who know me, know I am a music junkie.  I love all types of music – but I like it loud.  And while I have been singing, thinking, and being productive – my heart felt full.

Yesterday, I got to hang with my kiddos.  Take some pics.  And laugh with them.  Me and my daughter snuck out of the house and bought “secret ice cream”, and while we were on our covert mission – we laughed the whole time.  I have a five year old who kisses me every, single time he sees me – and tells me I am pretty.  I have a 16 year old with the wit of Jimmy Fallon.  He keeps me laughing.  My life is filled with laughter.

I have a job, that albeit it is hard, it’s rewarding.  I like what I do.  I like the people I work for/with.  I like helping people.  And no, it isn’t glamourous.  I am good it.  And no, it will never make me a millionaire – but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have a the best friends in the world.  I can tell them anything.  No matter how crazy, ridiculous, or unimportant.  They care.  I have man who loves me.  More than anything – and I know that.  He makes me feel like a princess – and we have our problems and struggles – and it isn’t perfect.  But, he makes me happier than I have ever been in my life.  He lets me be me.  And that means a lot.  I am his biggest cheerleader – and he is mine.

Now, all that beautiful stuff being said, I have probably cried 30 times this week.  Maybe not that much, but significant.  It was a tough week personally and professionally.  I had to say goodbye to a boss that was amazing, got some terrifying news for my dad, and all in all – it was a little tough.  I try to act tough – but there has been a few nights of falling asleep while crying.  More than few.

But I am grateful.  I am grateful for today.  I am grateful that while writing this, the sun came out.  I am grateful for the air in my lungs.  I am grateful for a loving and forgiving God.  I am grateful for the promise of a new day.  I am grateful for my life and every, single person in it.  I am grateful for the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.  And in all that, in the mess that I felt like the last couple weeks have been “emotionally” for me —-

Recognize this – to someone – that would be a fairytale.  I am blessed.  Happy Labor Day, Guys!

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First, let me start by saying, I do have a day job.  And – as far as day jobs go – I am very thankful for my job – and the folks I work with.  My teammates are some of my closest friends.  My supervisor, is awesome.  He backs us, helps us – I couldn’t ask for more.  Now, that being said – I was on vacation the week before last – and it was amazing.  My best friend from VA was here – and we had a great time.  A time to decompress, catch up, and relax.  We both have a lot going on in our lives – both moms – jobs – and busy.  So just to sit and enjoy one another was a huge blessing.  I ended that week with a new sense of purpose.  Relaxed.  And a new mindset upon my “day job”.

The week went pretty much like normal, and I was smiling the whole time ( that part not necessarily normal).  But I had decided to be grateful for my job.  My co-workers.  My supervisor.  And when things rose up that would normally stress me out, I took a deep breath, and I was good.  I went through the week feeling amazing.  Until the last day of the work week.

I know it could be risky writing this, but – I feel like I have to.  If I don’t – I am being fake.  And my hair, nails, and tan might be fake – but my heart isn’t.  So I am going to be vague to protect myself.  But just hear what I am saying.

I witnessed corporate bullying.  Not on myself – or my co-workers – so no worries there, but nonetheless.  I saw it.  And I never have seen such a spectacle in my life.  I have never been so shocked – embarrassed and hurt for the people it happened to – the level of empathy I had was out the roof.  And I thought bullying was something that kids did in a school yard.  Not in a workplace.  So I write this, to say this.  If you ever partake of “corporate bullying” – you are no better than a child in a schoolyard.  In every environment that I have ever worked in – people discuss business like people.  Intelligently, calmly, with action plans in place. To me, that seems to be the right way to do it.  Never is public humiliation, or bullying an acceptable plan.  Ever.

So I am writing this, hoping to change one heart.  Just one.  If someone reads this who believes that is a proper form of business – reevaluate.   You will never gain the respect of other people, by public shaming.  Because guess what?  Not one person will be on your side.  Every single person will feel for the person visibly shaking and trying to maintain a businesslike composure.  That is the people who are classy – the ones when provoked – who stood firm.  I don’t know if I could do the same.  To be honest, I am sure I couldn’t.

And if you have experienced bullying as an adult or child – remember – It is not you.  They have something, within themselves, to where that is the only way they feel powerful.  And if you can keep from screaming, feel bad for them.  I wish I could say I feel bad for them – but not yet – I am still mad.

I’m ending this with a video of my vacation – because it was awesome – and remember what relaxing and being thankful is about.  And remember – you never know what someone is going through – use your words carefully.

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I had a post written previously, that I was gonna post today.  But, on my drive home – I changed my mind.  So if it seems like it rambles, I apologize in advance.  I had the benefit of telling a guy I worked with today, about Shaun.  Telling him that today was the anniversary of his death.  And he, in turn, told me about his friend Sean, that had passed awhile back.  And he said to me, “I view death differently.  Although it is sad that they are gone – I look at it that at least I had the opportunity to know this person.”  And as he said that, it stung my heart.  It made me take a different turn.  And I am so thankful I had those years with Shaun.  I really am.  That being said, today still sucks.  This day reminds me of the fear, pain, stress, shock, and deep throat sadness I felt that day.  I hope it gets better as time goes on, but as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of June 23rd.

On my drive home, I thought about that – blasting my iPod in the background.  And I thought about the changes that I have made in my life since he is gone.  I have done things I never would have thought possible.  I have spoken in front of crowds.  I have started a blog.  A website.  I have helped people.  I have worked my fingers to the bone.  I scrimped and saved.  I struggled.  I was a pit bull, fighting for her pups.  My relationship with my children morphed into something I never knew it could.  I never knew – the level of passion and protection I could have for them.  I thought I knew before, but I had no idea.  I am proud of the woman I have become.

But, that being said – there are some bad that came with it.  I am much more callous. I am much more choosey over what I will shed my tears over.  I can be vicious.  But at the same time, I still can cry when someone else is sad.  I guess, sometimes I can play down others issues, because they weren’t as dramatic as mine.  But I am working on that.  I want to help people be happy.  I want people to love like there is no tomorrow.  I want them to know what I know – without the journey to go with it.

So here is what I am trying to say.  Shaun Greenberg, You changed my heart, mind, and soul forever.  I love you.  I always will.  And I will make you proud.    I promise that.  So, below, I am posting a song.  I love this version.  Listen to it – all the way through.  I feel like the first part, is me.  The second part, is what Shaun would sing back.  I knew the first time I heard this – It strung a chord in my heart.  I didn’t realize until today – why.  And if you wanna know how I feel – that nails it.  100%. I can’t write it down any better than he can sing it.