Okay, so here’s something I have learned.  And I am going to be candid here.  And if I am giving too much information – well, that’s how I roll.  So, here it is.  Ready?  A cold, a bad outfit, a couple days before your period, a widow, and a stupid comment – can spin me out of control.  Into a raging, emotional basket case.  When I am sad and upset, I no longer have Shaun to call, where he would say, “Baby, you are being nuts.  Relax.”  Or, “Baby, you are completely right!  Just show them how right you are!”  Well, I could keep going, but you get my drift.  It’s about more than I could tolerate today.  So today was one of those days where I kept pretty much to myself, lost in my own thoughts.  I cried my whole drive home.  Not just the normal cry – the straight up ugly cry.  The kind of cry where you think that maybe, just maybe – you shouldn’t drive, because your tears are making the road blurry.  Then, no to avail, I try to pull it together when I go pick up the kiddos.  I get home, cry a little.  Decide to go the tanning bed – UV rays should give me some vitamin D to perk me right up!  I cry the whole way there, then I cry while I am in the tanning bed.  Then, I got scared, because I thought, Will the light reflect off my tears and burn where my tear streaks are?  (Just for the record, that didn’t happen – so I am breathing easy over that.)
So here it is.  I am heart broken.  Still.  Guessing I always will be.  Today, I realized a lot of things he did for me.  Not the big ones – I had already thought of those.  But some little ones – things he did that he probably didn’t even notice either.  He made me excruciatingly happy.  We made each other excruciatingly happy.  I thought that was it.  I learned this today, too.  He taught me to be strong, self-sufficient, adventurous.  He taught me to express myself with no regrets.  To show my passion for God to others without feeling self-conscious about it.  I am learning to be a single mom.  And I have found ways, ways that he would use, mixed with ways that I would use – to deal with any problems that we would deal together.
It’s strange.  It’s a new chapter in my life.  A chapter I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – but nonetheless, it’s a chapter that has been placed in my life and I have to make sure it has a good ending.  There has already been enough tragedies in this book of mine.  And I can’t crumble and fall now.  I am his legacy now.  I can’t let him down, after all.

So tonight, I am sitting in Shaun’s chair, with Isabella.  We have sat here, with our legs intertwined, and watched tv.  And it is great.  This is what life is all about.  Cherishing those little moments – as you get them.  I don’t have a whole lot to say tonight.  I am just gonna sit here, snuggle, and love on my kiddos.  Do the same.  It’s wonderful.

I had kinda a rough night.  My sweet and gorgeous daughter gave me the biggest gift ever.  And it was a video of me and Shaun, a video that I never knew existed.   It tore my heart out, and made me smile.  It was a real mixture of emotions.  But I am so happy – happy to remember a sweet moment.  It made me remember how it felt when he put his hand on my head when he kissed me.  It made me remember the sweet look he gave me when he was sad.  It made me remember how blessed I was.  I am.  I miss him so much, there are times where I think I can’t even stand it.  Our anniversary is slowly approaching.  I don’t know how I will handle that day, and it kinda scares me.  I just want him back in my arms.  With me and loving me.  The way it was supposed to be.  I really really miss him.

I am exhausted.  I had a big weekend, but the level of exhaustion I have, I don’t think it’s from that.  Well, completely.  I think that it’s just hard being a single mom.  Everything and everyone in your home being 100 % completely dependent on you.  But you know what?  It’s okay.  I would rather be tired tonight, and know that I am here for my kids than not.  I can will be rested when I am gone.  So, I am thankful tonight for being sleepy.  I am so thankful to be the momma to 3 beautiful kids.  I am so thankful for all the friends and family around me.  And I am so thankful for the life that God has given me.  I am blessed.  So tonight, i am keeping it short and sweet.  And I am going to bed soon.  But, I just want to say – thank you for being there.  All of you.  And helping me realize daily how amazingly blessed and lucky I really and truly am.

So, this weekend, I had to make a road trip to Tennessee.  Krissie, myself, and the kiddos went to Tennessee for my grandmother’s 100th birthday celebration.  And it was amazing.  I can’t imagine all that she has seen.  As I walked up to her, and looked at her, it was kind of overwhelming to think about all that this one person has seen in her life.  And all the pain, struggles, trials, happiness, and joyous moments she has went through.  She lost her husband 30 years ago.  She has lost a child.  She has lost all her siblings.  She has seen her child lose a spouse.  She has witnessed births of her own children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren.  And that is amazing.  And she sat there, and laughed, and talked, and celebrated along with everyone else.  
She is almost blind, and is a little hard of hearing.  Her memory isn’t as good as it used to be – but she still has it.  She lives alone.  My mom and aunts check on her regularly – but she is capable of living alone.  And this is the first time I saw her since Shaun died.  And she hugged me and cried.  And she told me she was so sorry – and that she loved him – and how much she loved me.  And she hugged me different than she have had.  She knows that I have hurt immensely.  And she also knows that I will get through it because I have to.  Just like she did.  So tonight, thank God for my mamaw.  And that she touches more people in her life – just like she did mine.  I love you, Mamaw.

Tonight, I laid my Ravens carpet down.  And I have a big sense of completion.  That was one long and grueling project – the Ravens room, that is.  But boy, Shaun would love it.  I believe he does love it.  And my kiddos love it.  I am happy with it.  Big time.

Yesterday, a friend of mine gave me a book called “Tear Soup”.  It’s actually a children’s book – but it got the point across amazingly.  And this room was little bit of me cooking my tear soup.  I cried.  I laughed.  And whenever I want to have a bowl of my tear soup – I have the perfect room to do it in.  And, it beautiful.  At least to me it is.  There’s so much in that room.  Behind the paint.  In the furniture.  It’s just perfect to me.

Me and Krissie have a word that we use for certain guys.  And the term is “creeper”.  A creeper is a broad word, that covers many categories.  The perverts, the married, the faker, the literal creepy guy, you get where I am going with this.  But, my friend is single.  And she isn’t looking for a boyfriend, a husband, nothing like that – but she is open also.  Open to like coffee, dinner, etc.  Now this isn’t a singles ad for her – so don’t make it one, LOL…  But she said something to me tonight, that made me sad/thankful.  And it was this, “It is really hard to keep faith in men these days.  I guess that’s why I am not even worried about it.”  And she then tells me about a few acquaintances that almost brag about their infidelity to their spouses.  She sees it at every corner.  And then, in like 9 days – she has literally been approached by quite a few married men.  And it’s weird.   And not only does she not date married men – but it offends her – as it would any of us.  Because what is that saying about you, the woman, if a man has no problem alerting you that they are married, but still want a date?  And let’s not get this twisted, they aren’t just married – they are “happily” married.  Like not divorcing, not separated, just well, dating?  That’s just weird, so by default, you are now a creeper.  See how it works?  It’s like they want a wife and a girlfriend. Like it’s a fashion trend or something. That’s just rude.  And greedy.  And well, degrading to the  person you ask out.  And her friend, because she is codependent.  That’s how we roll.

So here is the question that I pose?  When did this become so mainstream?  When did people openly flaunt such an action?  I don’t get it.  I am not trying to judge anyone, I am just posing a question.  And, it breaks my heart for my dear friend.  She deserves a man of her own.  A man that will love her, protect her,  lead her home, provide for her, and be a partner in life with her.   Where did that mentality go?  I want her to have what  I had.  And Shaun and I weren’t perfect – by any means – but we were happy together.  I just don’t get people.  I really don’t.  And maybe, sometimes, I don’t want to understand – I’m starting to think that too.

I am a lucky lady.  Big time.  I listened to this tonight – and for the first time, I didn’t sob uncontrollably.  I cried – but I didn’t puke or anything.  What an amazing man.  An amazing voice.  What a fire he had.  More people need that.  To stop the complaining.  Stop the pessimism.  And be thankful.  Because when you think what you have today isn’t enough – tomorrow it could be less.  Gratitude grows peace.  And I want my garden to be green.  And instead of being angry that he is gone – I am making a conscience effort tonight to be thankful that I had him.  To let gratitude take over anger and want.  And be content where I am today.  And, in this moment, I am content.

So, tonight, I was blessed again.  I got to talk to an old and dear friend – and well, she’s fantastic.  She was making cookies in her kitchen, and we just chatted about old times.  She knew me when Shaun and I first met – and the day after I met him, I drug her to UNO’s to scope him out.  Her and her husband helped me and Shaun so much.  Not only with their friendship, but anyway possible.  When I was pregnant with Jacoby, she brought me a gazillion boxes of diapers.  I don’t think Shaun and I purchased diapers until Jacoby was 6 months old.  She has always been someone I could talk to – and she would be straight up.  We have been through a lot together over the past five years.  And I am so thankful that she is a part of my life.  Just another person who helped make me who I am today.
And I am so proud of her – she has started her own business here in Fredericksburg, doing what she loves.  (Her and her husband already had one, but she isn’t one who slows easily.)  So, now – they are multi business owners and doing amazing.  And it makes me smile.  She is a good wife, a good momma, and a smart business lady – and I love her for that.  And, I know, no matter what – she will be successful in all she does.  She used to call Shaun “pinky”, and he called her “the brain”.  Then, it switched to big bowl of noodle.  So, in my days of learning to be content, I am more than content.  I am grateful.  Grateful, because tonight, I realized again how blessed I have been in my life.  I have had the honor of knowing this beautiful lady.  And she will always be my big bowl of noodle.  And I will always love her dearly.

Check out her cakes and such… They are quite fantastic – and she is here in the Fredericksburg area….
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sugar-High-Inc/195005547216957

This morning, I was angry.  Quite angry.  Someone that I know – an acquaintance really, said something to me in an email, that hurt my feelings.  And, because it hurt my feelings – I got angry.  And I shouldn’t have even let it get me upset in the least.  It was really an unimportant statement, that was an issue within them, not me.  And it really didn’t even affect me at all – so I have no clue why it hurt my feelings.  I am a softy that way, I guess.  The term crybaby could be inserted here and be quite applicable.  And to be honest, I don’t know why.  I don’t know why, I let the criticism of one – overpower the support of thousands.  And it wasn’t even criticism, I don’t guess.  It was, well, it was weird.  And that got me thinking.  Why do we do that?  Why do we allow ourselves to be so wrapped up in the opinions of others, that we forget that we answer only to one.  Why do we allow negativity to bring us down.  Especially, when we have so much support?
This question, I do not know the answer to.  Maybe people want to see us fail.  Maybe they will.  Maybe, deep down, we are afraid that we will.  But, as a wise man once said, be content.  I am going to celebrate every victory that I have.  Whether it be big or small. And just be happy, that today, I am here.  That today, I have people who love and support me – and not everyone is going to do that.  And I will be happy for that.  Because even if, the whole world doesn’t support me – the ones who matter to me most do.  So why do I care?  So now, I am thankful for that email.  Because it made me realize – that all I can do is my best.  And I answer to no one but God, myself, and my kids.  And maybe, just maybe, that’s something that I needed to happen, so I could figure this one out on my own.
I miss Shaun so much.  He was such a support – such a level head – such a cheerleader for me.  With him, I knew nothing was impossible.  And no matter what, big or small, he would say, “We got this, baby girl.”  Well, he’s still here.  I have a beautiful boy to look at everyday that’s his spitting image.  I have Tariq and Isabella – who laugh and talk about him all the time.  And guess what?  “We got this, kiddos.  No worries.”  It’s my job now, to pick up where he left off.  And I got this, I got to.  Thanks baby, you are still around – you are keeping this head of mine level and positive.  I love you for that, so much.

Here’s a video I saw by Steven Furtick today.  And it made me feel validated.  This is something I could hear Shaun say.  We often only see our own sides.  I might not see theirs – but I will try to respect that there is another side – besides my own.