Sometimes I hate myself, I really do.  Well, hate might be a little harsh, but I do get on my own nerves severely.  Anyway.  Here is why.  Today, while at work(imagine that – another epiphany while at work), I am sitting all around my pictures of Shaun.  Now if you don’t know me well, you don’t know how proud I was of Shaun.  I loved tellling everyone about him.  I showed them pictures, talked about him constantly.  People I worked with sweetly joked with me about all my notes in my lunches from him.  I loved to introduce him to people.  I liked showing him off.  He is the most gorgeous man I ever laid eyes on – inside and out.  And because I adored him, and loved him like no other man in this world, I couldn’t keep his name out of my mouth.  It was a constant.
Now, you might be saying, “Kristie, that’s awesome – that’s the way it’s supposed to be…”, and I concur. (I don’t think that I have ever used the word “concur” in a sentence ever. – Just a side note)  Anyway, I agree.  Completely.  But tell me this.  Shaun was a man.  An everyday man.  He loved me, yes – and he was the most important man in my life ever, true.  Why in the world, do I not talk about God and Jesus like I did Shaun?  I mean, that’s true unconditional and sacrificial love… and for all this time I have taken it for granted.  You know how you watch a movie, and there is the underdog who loves the girl who is popular, and she is mean and ignores him – unless she wants something?  She doesn’t want to be friends with him at school, but likes to hang out with him when no one is around?  Too concerned about what others might think?  You know the girl we love to hate?  Hello, nice to meet you – my name is Kristie and I am that girl.  Except it isn’t an “underdog” – It is God.  That was a low blow for this girl today.  And I won’t do it again.  I am going to try my best to show him the love and adoration that he showed me.  So, I will reintroduce myself.  My name is Kristie Greenberg – the wife of Shaun Greenberg (who is amazing).  And I am in love with a magnificent and powerful God, who loved me so much – he sacrificed his own child for me.  I am forever in his debt and want to bring Glory to him at all times.  That’s who I am.  I love you guys…

So, I gotta say – Philadelphia is awesome.  I mean, I love the Eagles, the phillies, Philly Cheese steaks, the whole thing.   But more than that – I love a sweet girl who resides there.  And here is the funny thing.  I have never met her personally – but I feel like I have know her for years.  We have talked extensively on the phone – and to be honest – to explain how I know her is a totally different blogpost.  Anyhoo… She called me tonight.  And she was sad.  And she had every reason under the sun to be sad.  And then she said to me, ” I feel so dumb even crying on the phone and talking to you about this…. ”  And let me tell you girly, and the rest of the world, DON’T FEEL DUMB!  It made me feel happy, that even though I have been through something horrific, you aren’t treating me with kids gloves.  I can handle it.  I am still a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister, an ear… and I want to be here for you.  And if you are sad, it is never dumb.  Not ever.  It’s a true feeling.  I was sad yesterday because Jacoby was crying his little head off.  Was it the worst sadness ever?  Of course not.  Did it feel pretty bad in that moment?  Yup, sure did.  Here’s the difference – The pain I feel from Shaun’s death is constant.  Some types of pain are shorter.  Some, like Jacoby’s temper tantrum, are fleeting.  But in that moment of stress, sadness, or remorse – they are still true and honest feelings.  So don’t apologize.
But, I believe that God has amazing things in store for the beautiful woman.  She is a tenacious girl, gorgeous, and has a tough exterior.  But she is beautiful, caring, and amazing on the inside.  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has some amazing things in store for her and her daughter.  So today, I ask all of you to pray for this sweet woman who touched my heart tonight.  She made me feel human again, by telling me her sadness.  And thank you – you know who you are – for being right there.. right when I needed you.  Because you might not realize it, but you helped me a ton tonight – and just showed me once again, how phenomenal God is – and how he helps me always.  Xoxo…

Novel title, correct?  I believe so. It was a statement I made today, talking to my friend Jacqueline, and she said – that should be the next title to your next blog post.  So Jacqueline, here it is.  I had one amazing, God touched, beautiful, yet sad day yesterday.  But, I also had people carrying the burden where I couldn’t – told my hand where I was weak.  And if you are new to my blog, Sunday is my day.  I live for Sundays.  Shaun loved Sundays.  He loved going to church, family time, football – everything about Sunday to him was precious.  So, I now feel in tune to that – and have the same feeling.
So, I get up this morning – and what do I wake up to?  Fighting.  Tariq and Isabella are going at it like two MMA fighters going for the title.  All we needed was a cage, satin shorts, and weird tattoos.  Nice.  This is the Lord’s Day.  And because, I am mother of the year, – what do I do?  Start yelling.  Because we all know as parents, there is no better way to calm your children, and teach them to talk in calm rational voices, than by yelling at the top of your lungs to be quiet.  (We all know I didn’t say be quiet.  I said “Shut UP!  Are you kidding me!  We are going to church and we need to get ready!!!!!!!!!! Etc. Etc. Etc. ”  Not a great mother moment, but that’s what happened.)  Finally, Krissie, the kids, and me are in the car on the way.  Tariq and Isabella are sitting in complete silence.  Not in awe and wonder of the gorgeous morning, as I wish they were.  Probably thinking their mom is an emotional wreck, and trying to avoid another moment of yelling.  I saw them in the rearview mirror, and I felt horrible.  I apologized for my behavior, but it didn’t excuse theirs.  They apologized too – and I must say  – I was feeling pretty stellar.  Off to church we go.
I get to church, and it is awesome – as always.  Praise and Worship – especially when Mia is singing – phenomenal.  I don’t know what it is about that woman – but she makes me cry when I hear her sing.  Pastor Daniel, amazing.  You don’t wanna miss this series.  Wow.  Whole experience fantastic.  I get the kids and Krissie, we are going to AC Moore to get paint (refer to yesterday’s post) – and then Panera.  The kids have been wanting to go to Panera.  So off we go.
We order, pray, get our food.  All is well… then Jacoby goes into complete and utter meltdown mode.  He is screaming the high pitched scream – for no apparent reason.  I quickly scoop him up and take him outside (I will say here, if you have kids who act insane in a restaurant – do the same.  I hate it when my kid is having a moment of good behavior, and another kid starts freaking out – and then, well, it’s all gone.)  So, I feel like it is time to remove him from the situation.  I am at the Panera in Central Park.  Holding him.  He is crying and I have no clue why.  I believe it has something to do with wanting to squeeze the Go-gurt on his head, that I wouldn’t allow to happen, and therefore – I am evil.  So now, the evil lady who wants him to have no fun, has taken him from the Go-gurt bliss, and is walking him around a hot and humid parking lot in August.  (Good idea on my part here also.)  So what does super mom begin to do?
Cry.  I cry like a spanked school girl.  Holding my crying baby.  Sight to see I am sure.  And I think to myself, to God.  How in the world am I supposed to do this for the next     18 years?  No way.  But as I am having this inner battle, I realize.  It’s not going to be for the next 18 years, maybe 2 of the screaming and you don’t know why.  And I realize, that in those two years, Tariq will be 14.  My first baby will be almost a man. Hmmmm…..  I realize time is fleeting.
So, I know, as a widowed mom to four kids, albeit only three live with me, I am lucky.  Because I have them.  And although Jacoby kirking out in Panera seemed massive at the time, I laugh as I talk about it now.  And if Satan thinks he get me down by making my kid take a fit in Panera, not gonna happen.  I might have got out of sorts, but I will win the war.  No doubt.  I have an amazing God on my side, an amazing husband on my side, and four amazing kids on my side.  Can’t get to me.  You can’t.  So, Satan is a Doo Doo head.  Don’t think you can ruin my beautiful weekend.  By trying to stress me out, you made me realized how blessed I am.  I have so many people who love me, here to help me. My husband might not be here, but I have a family of thousands who will help where he can’t.  I love you all…

Ok, today was a big day…  A huge day to say the least.  Today, I fulfilled two of the four of Shaun’s wishes.  Needless to say, it was a tough day at that.  Me, along with 11 of my close friends(and kids) went to Baltimore.  We went to the Ravens practice, the inner harbor, and then we ended the day with a fantastic lunch at PF Changs.  (If you know Shaun, you know his love for PF Changs).  Well, once again, if I haven’t said it before, I am a smoker.  I know it’s gross, I have seen pictures of rotten lungs.  I will quit.  I just have been through a lot, and I am not doing it right now.  Well, after we had eaten-and before desert, I decided I was going to go outside and smoke a cigarette.  As I am standing outside, I saw Shaun across the road.  Leaning on a pole, smiling at me.  I know it sounds crazy, maybe it was heat and dehydration – but I know what I saw.  He waved.  I text Krissie – she came out.  She didn’t see him.  I did.  And then I told her to look again – and I looked at her – when I looked back – I didn’t see him.  I fell apart.  Sobbing hysterically on Pratt Street in Baltimore.  Felt like I was gonna pass out.  I sit on a flowerbed, Krissie sits beside me.  She texts Brooke to come out with napkins.  She does. Here is where it gets more amazing.
I’m crying – trying to pull it together – feeling like I am losing my mind because it’s been an emotional day.  Two women show up out of nowhere.  They ask if I am okay.  I tell them yes, we all do – and they said, “We feel like we need to pray for you.  Do you know Jesus?”  I replied, “Yes, I do.”  And they said, “Wonderful.”  And they knelt down and began to pray with me, Krissie, and Brooke.  They prayed that I would have peace over Shaun’s death.  They prayed for everything I have prayed for.  Things that only my closest friends knew what I felt.  Mind you, I am on one of the busiest streets in Baltimore.  We heard no car noise, no traffic, no nothing.  It was like an out of body experience.  I can’t even explain the peace and power these two ladies gave me.  This blog cannot do it justice.  But let me tell you this.  God answered many a prayer for me today.  Loud and Clear – 1000%.  (I know it’s 1000, that’s not a typo.)
The ladies said they had to go – and they would see us at the gates of heaven.  Then, once again, they were gone.  Just like that.  We sat stunned in PF Changs – crying to our other friends who witnessed what was happened, but didn’t know what it was.  We walk back to the parking garage – Pier 5 parking for those of you who know B-more, and there is a trumpet player.  As we get closer to him, he begins to play, “I’ll be there… ”  Me, Krissie, and Brooke cry – you can hear it all the way up to the 4th floor of the garage where our car was.  Loudly.  We sat in silence a good portion of the ride home. 
Here is what I know today.  Shaun is happy for what I did.  God has his hand on me in a more powerful way than I ever thought.  And nothing is impossible, impractical, or insane where he is concerned.  He will do what he wants, when he wants, because he can.  He loves us that much.  I love him that much back.
This is what the card said, and I quote….
“Don’t worry about tomorrow… God is already there! – ‘For I know the plans I have for you, ‘ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”  Jeremiah 29:11… 

So, tonight was the Volunteer Bash at Lifepoint Church.  Eighties theme.  I dressed up and went.  I was torn about going all week, up until we were in the car.  I wanted to get dressed up in 80’s Garb – who doesn’t.  But, I didn’t want to go without Shaun.  We had big plans as to what our costumes were gonna be – he loved that church and he loved volunteering – and he loved the party.  I really didn’t want to go without him.  But I had two very sweet and special ladies go along with me.  Supporting me the whole way.  And I am so thankful for them.
Krissie wanted me to do karaoke with her – and yes, there was a karaoke contest.  (What can I say, our church is quite awesome.)  I am not one who would normally dress up in an Iron Maiden T-shirt and sing, but tonight I did.  Not only did we sing, we sang loud, and we danced.  And Shaun is what gave me the courage to do it.  Since he has died, I have found a new strength, a new voice, that I never knew I had.  I will not live my life in fear, as to what people might think, might say.  I will have fun.  I will say whatever needs to be said.  If someone needs to get to church – I will tell them.  I will say what I believe and know that Shaun is behind me 100%.  I know that if Shaun was looking down tonight, he was proud of me.  Proud of me for going.  Proud of me for doing something fun.  But most of all – proud of me for karaoke.  He would have done it.  But, I don’t think he coulda done it like Krissie and I – we were rockin’ some Madonna’s Material Girl.  And, just so you know, we won the karaoke contest.  Our Prize?  I will tell you.  Two tickets to American Idol at the Verizon Center…. guess Shaun might have to frequent that trip too.  Love you all – Goodnight….

So, today, I had a friend tell me that I write like a storyteller.  So that’s what I am gonna do.  I have ran this day over and over in my head – today, that is – so I am gonna see if I can write it down and do it justice in my head.  It was Mother’s Day this year.  For those of you who know my sweet husband, he is a die hard Orioles and Ravens fan.  Baltimore to the core. For those of you who know me, there is nothing I love more than a Pro Baseball game.  Don’t care who the team is (albeit preferably the Phillies)  I love going.  Well for those of you who have ever been at Camden Yards – there is a Jumbotron – HUGE AND MASSIVE.  They have funny games, quizzes, stats, and the most important part to this girl – the KISS CAM!!!!!!!!  For Mother’s day this year, Shaun took me and my best friend to the Orioles game.  It was a win-win for all.  I was so excited.  I had my love, my bestie, and a pro baseball game – all in one shot.  What more could a girl ask for.  We went directly after church – hit no traffic, and it was a gorgeous day.  A perfect day for a baseball game in Baltimore. Shaun and I always wanted to get on the jumbotron.  If you know Shaun, well, he loved himself some Shaun.  And, I gotta say, I am a fan of this girl.  We loved each other – so just imagine us together.  We were watching the game, me making snide comments about how he was gonna lose me to Nick Markakis – and having a grand time.  Dancing to John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”, in the 7th inning stretch, and booing the other team having a ball.  But there is the moment of the kiss cam.  AND THEY FOCUSED IN ON US!!!!!!!  It was a great amazing moment!  We both realized we made on the kiss cam at Camden Yards!!!  We look at each other all excited – and we go for it.  We don’t do the little peck and laugh – we straight on make out.  Yep, we are those people.  And proud of it.  And they stayed on us longer than anyone else.  You can ask Krissie, it got uncomfortable for her.  But it was a glorious moment for us.  If you are our friends on facebook – check it out – we posted it as our status.  We were both so excited.  And afterwards, we went to the inner harbor, went to UNO’s (where I met Shaun) and ate pizza skins.(Which is the best food in the world.)  It was a perfect and happy day.  And here is a cute sidenote that I thought I would never tell people.  After all the hotdogs, nachos, and pizza skins – I felt like a cow.  This gorgeous husband of mine, went to a gift shop – and bought me “Baltimore” sweatpants and a hoodie.  Just so I could be stretchy and comfortable.  Don’t tell me that’s not one amazing man – that is.  And everytime I go to Baltimore – I’m gonna think of him and Krissie laughing at me walking to car – saying,  “you are obviously a local.”  Since I had the town plastered all over my body.  It’s a precious memory of millions, and one I wanted to share. 
I love you baby – and I know you are here – and I’ll never forget.  I love you.

This pic is a minor reenactment of our kiss cam shot.  Here we are in UNO’s at the Harbor – and I am wearing my hot pink Baltimore Hoodie – something that is priceless to me now.

I am not ready to be normal – or anything close to it.  I can’t walk around with a smile all the time.  When I am at work, I often feel like I have those big wax lips on.  You know the ones I’m talking about?  Like a creepy smile, and you could bite a thing on the inside?  I feel like when I smile it has to look creepy and strained – at least a lot of the times.  I realized something today – at about 2:30pm.  I am never going to have a normal holiday again.  When Shaun died, it was June 23rd – so yes, I have already been through 4th of July – but that day didn’t even register.  What hit me today, is that Jacoby is 17 months old.  So from about 2:50pm, on – It was all I could do not to bust out in tears at my desk.  Shaun got excited for Jacoby’s “month birthdays”.  That made me think about all of them.  Here are the list of days that I know that are going to stink.
September 9 – my birthday
September 12 – the day we met/Natalie’s birthday
Anytime the Ravens win a football game/Anytime the Eagles win a football game
November 5 – Our Wedding Anniversary
Thanksgiving
Black Friday
Christmas
New Years
Profit Sharing
Tax time
Jacoby’s birthday
Isabellas birthday
Tariq’s birthday
Shaun’s birthday
Mother’s day
Father’s day
And well, that just to name the ones that popped into my head.  Imagine how many more there are going to be.  And what I am so torn about, is that all of these days are supposed to be happy/fun times.  Everyone of these holidays I am always going to be sad.  And I know, I know – it will get better in time.  Whatever.  It is still going to be there.  Last Black Friday, Shaun and I drove around Kingsport, TN all hours of the morning so excited to get presents for the kids for Christmas.  There goes that.  And even if I go with someone – I will always think of him.  Always.  And I don’t want to be the sad mom who makes every holiday horrible – I don’t.  But how do you celebrate and act excited when you are so sad. Maybe I will figure it out with time.  All I can do now is pray for peace, and just to get through.  I never knew you could miss someone this much.  I really didn’t. I think I am having a bit of a pity party for myself this evening.  The rain isn’t helping either.  Outside it looks like I feel on the inside.
And on a side note – We saw a turtle in the road.  I had to stop and get it out of the road.  Shaun always did.  And I hate turtles or any type of reptiles/ amphibians – that was for you baby.

I’m sitting at work and had to get up and take a break. I’m working, and I look up, and I see this intense picture of Shaun. I felt like he was staring at me. I wanna reach in-pull him out- and kiss his beautiful face. Then came that gross, heart sinking in my stomach feeling. I miss him. So very very much.

– Kristie blogging from her iPhone

According to Wikipedia,  Surreal in general means bizarre or dreamlike.  I don’t think that’s the exact word that I want to use.  It makes it sound bizarre in a fantastic sort of way.  Or dreamy, like Greg Brady off the Brady Bunch (and no, I don’t think he’s dreamy, but apparently a few of the ladies did at his high school – I digress).  But when so much has happened – how did it all happen?  I know that I lived through it all because I am still here, but it doesn’t seem like it could possibly be real.  There are times that I can talk about Shaun and smile and laugh.  Other times, I bust into tears (refer to yesterday’s post).  How can you have such a gamut of emotions, and still walk around.  I feel like I should be comatose laying in bed at times.  And I realize that I am not, I don’t know how.  I guess it’s the precious babies that have a big hold in keeping me going.  And my support system is phenomenal.  All the feedback, knowing I’m not alone in this, keeps me going.
A reporter came by from the newspaper tonight – and she asked me a lot of questions.  Questions I hadn’t even really thought about before.  One of them was why did I start this in the first place?  I had to think about it.  Here’s what I came up with.  I don’t know if I even told her all this – but here it is.  I needed to tell someone.  I didn’t want to burden anyone.  The person that I told everything to, who loved to sit and just listen at me, wasn’t here.  His death was what was giving me all these emotions.  We wrote notes, love letters if you will, back and forth.  In a way, I think these are my love letters continuing on.  Because when I wrote to him, I was telling him how I felt.  I am still sharing how I feel – the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Trust, my letters to him were probably much more uplifting and happy – but they were honest.  I was blessed to be married to the most loving, caring, sensitive, passionate, beautiful, fantastic, amazing , and perfect man in the whole world.  So, I guess a good word to describe Shaun would be surreal…how bizarre to find a man that great – to find him, I felt like I had to be dreaming.  God gave me a huge gift.  And he didn’t take it away – he allowed me to have him for almost four years.

Today was hard.  I didn’t expect it at all to be.  But then it hit me like a ton of bricks – today was the day that we were gonna move.  August 1st.  Our new beginning.  Our new home.  Not my home that he moved into – our home that we picked together.  We were so excited.  We were planning all the remodels.  Already had stuff packed.  To be honest, there is storage tubs still in my living room of packed stuff – that I just can’t move.  I don’t know why.  And I keep crying at the drop of a hat.  My poor kiddos have seen me cry like four times since we got home.  Isabella keeps coming to me and giving me tissue and saying, “It’s okay to cry mommy – we all do.”  And I know, we all do.  But we had so many plans – such an exciting time of our life was supposed to begin today.  And we were going to live at a beach.  Do you have any idea how much I wanted that?  To live in a golf cart community?  We had looked at golf carts, and dreamed about the cool one that we would get, when we could afford it.  It makes my heart literally ache.
And if that wasn’t enough, I decide I am going to be less of a dirtball.  I am going to be honest here  – and don’t judge me – but since Shaun died – my desire to clean has went straight out the window.  I have cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, but that about did it.  But when today, I was hunting for underwear, and wearing a dress I didn’t even know I owned – I thought – maybe I should do some laundry.  So I did.  Wash it, Dry it, and then fold it.  When I started folding it – there was Shaun’s boxers, wife beaters (you know the tank tops), a couple polos, socks, etc.  I was so upset I washed them.  What if they still had his smell on him?  I felt like I washed away some of his DNA.  I know it sounds sick, and it is – but it made me cry.  And I sat there, holding all these fresh, Tide smelling clothes, and just sobbed.  And here comes Isabella, kleenex in hand.  And she said, “Mommy, I bet they stunk.  And Shaun didn’t like it when anybody stunk.”  And it made me laugh.  Because she’s right.  He didn’t.  At all.  It’s amazing how God knew I would need those two today.  And got them home to me just in time. I can’t thank him enough.
You know, I read somewhere that losing someone is like being an amputee.  I don’t know what that’s like, but I can say this.  I have heard that there are phantom pains – which are very real in the limb that you lose.  It still feels like the limb is there.  I do feel like something was removed – and the pain is still there – a dull throbbing most of the time, but when you least expect it a sharp stab.  I have had the stabbing pains tonight, so if you will, please pray that tomorrow it goes back to a dull throb.  God will get me through this.  I know it.