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Shaun was the best person that I ever knew…  I am grateful I knew him.  I was blessed to have the honor to call him my husband.  Shaun was always proud of me.  He spoke to me with a non-manipulative heart.  My husband saw something in me, that I never did.  And I have sat for 5 days, wondering what Shaun saw in me that was so spectacular.  And I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, I really don’t.  I just wondered what he saw.  And here is my conclusion – Shaun was capable of looking past me, the yucky, non-perfect, Kristie.  He loved me so much, he was able to see what God could see.  So here is where my blog thought begins, after a lot of thought.
First of all, this might seem weird – maybe morbid, and for that – I go ahead and apologize, but this is what I feel led to write.  I want to talk to you about relationships, and reflect a little.  Your words have the power of life and death in an individual.  My reference point is my marriage, but I really believe it could be your kids, parents, friends, co-workers, well – anyone.  The things that we say and do affect people daily.  Shaun would tell me all the time – you can do it! Why do you question yourself?  What are you afraid of?  You got this!… And that’s just to name a few.  He was able to see past my flaws and see my potential.  This man gave me respect and love like I had never known.  I know that there are two people in this world that made me feel amazing.  Shaun and God.  Two totally different ways, but there is a way that it was the same.  Siamese like… if you get my drift.  Shaun treated me with such dignity, care, it showed me God’s love through him.  If he hadn’t done that – I don’t know how I would have ever been able to walk back into work. 
So, try this. Be humble before your loved ones.  Work on your relationships.  Anything worth having requires work.  Did Shaun and I have a perfect relationship?  No.  Not at all.  Was it great?  Yes.  And why?  Because we worked on it.  But he took the brunt of the work.  I hate that now.  But he did.  If you want a promotion, you work hard for it.  You want to get in a great college?  You gotta work hard on it.  There are so many things that we gotta work hard on… shouldn’t are realtionships be the most important? 
Breathe life into your spouses.  Your kids.  Look at them and realize that the current memory of you could very well be their last.  How do you want them to remember you?  I am so thankful for mine of Shaun.  I’m thankful for the kids memories of him.  Should anything ever happen to me, I want people to feel positive towards me.  That’s something I’m gonna work on.  I am gonna practice what I preach.  I love you guys.  Sorry if this was a rambling, all over the place blog – just a lot in my head.

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Today wasn’t as bad as yesterday.  Not good, but I can breathe out my nose.  So, I am gonna consider that a day of progress.  I miss my husband.  We did everything together, and I know I said it before, but he was the “peanut” to my “butter”.  I was clingy.  Needy.  And he loved it.  He loved that I loved doing everything with him, and I loved that he loved doing everything with me.  That was one of our definitions of love – immersion.  So, since the day he died, I have been clinging to every memory.  Making sure that I jot down memories as I get them.  Listening to his songs, watching his videos, replaying voicemails – anything so I can remember – and still feel him beside me.  I have prayed.  Listened to sermons.  Read my Bible – Shaun did those things, too.  Trying to learn, to feel the way he did – and realized in the whole process that God was giving me a peace about everything.  Not just Shaun’s passing, but decisions in my past, mistakes I made – because I know I am forgiven.  (If you need a definition of this, read the below post, aka – The “f” bomb).
But here we go, here is my epiphany of the day.  I went from being clingy to Shaun, to being clingy to his memories, to being clingy to his lifestyle, to being clingy to God.  Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any of that.  But Shaun and I held onto each other… During all this, where I thought I was being clingy to God  –  He was giving me the desire, he was clinging onto me, so I wouldn’t fall.  He loves me more than Shaun and I ever loved each other.  And that, is one amazing feeling – I can’t imagine someone loving me more than Shaun.  But God does… and he can cling to me anytime – because without him, I could do nothing.  With him – everything is possible.

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Yep, I said it, the “F” bomb.  Considered it dropped.  Today, I am dropping the “F” bomb all over the place.  But it’s probably not the one you thought.  I was listening to a podcast by Steven Furtick today, from Elevation Church.  And he was talking about the “F” Bomb himself.  Forgiveness.  Ouch.  I thought, that’s a good one for me to listen to.  It’s completely not applicable to me.  And might make me feel good about myself. I forgive people, there is no one that I am upset with. Nope.  Wrong again, Kristie…
Then I figured it out… I listened.  I had been angry with Shaun.  Angry with God.  I know that it’s wrong. But I was.  I felt like I got the wrong end of the deal.  And no, I’m not suicidal – but my heart has been yanked out and thrown on the grown and stomped on – and he is in paradise, praising Jesus.  Who got the short end of the stick, there?  And I was acting like a baby where God is concerned.  You know, how when we are little, and we want something, our parents tell us no – for our own good – and we are irate?  That was me.  I was so mad at God.  How dare he take the love of my life, after not being together for what I would deem the correct amount of time.  I am the one who is mistaken. I know if we would have been 100, I would have wanted 5 more minutes.  I know he has a plan.  And it’s difficult, and it’s hard, and I don’t understand – and I am not supposed to.  I HATE HAVING NO CONTROL!  I hate googling, and not getting an answer.  Don’t lie – you hate it, too.
But, Shaun had no control of the situation.  I know that.  But it hurts.  And well, I can’t explain why I was angry at him – but I was.  I know it’s crazy.  But here is what Steven taught me on my podcast…
“Repentance isn’t the necessary prerequisite to forgiveness. Jesus’ blood is. This truth sets you free to rid yourself of the weight of what’s been done to you.  There’s no need to punish yourself by carrying it any further.
Reliving what someone did to you won’t make it better. Hating them won’t make it better either.
The person that’s really being hurt by you withholding your forgiveness isn’t the offender. It’s you. Refusing to forgive someone until they ask for it is like refusing to breathe to prove a point.  It is only going to harm you in the end.”  And guess what, I am the one it’s harming.  It didn’t help, that’s for sure.  It made me feel guilty for being angry at such an amazing man – a man that treated me with such dignity and respect.  Forgiveness and acceptance doesn’t’ start with anger and questioning.   It starts with me – and trusting Jesus – and he already died so I can have eternity with Shaun.  And who can be angry with that?  Without him – we would have only had time on earth.  With him, we have eternity.

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I’m at work again. I always used to cal you at this time. Jacoby would be napping. You would tell me what was in the mail. We would just talk for a few minutes. It’s weird being here now. It feels wrong. I feel like I should call you. I have a hard time striking up a conversation, because I start to cry. You were around me all the time. Everywhere. I always talked to everyone about you- just because I was so proud you were mine. An I was yours. You still are. You always will be. I am trying to make you proud.

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I wish I could be stronger.  More self-assured, more confident.  I see people walking around everyday, and they ooze confidence.  Shaun gave me such an amazing amount of confidence.  That man honestly believed that I could do anything.  He never doubted it.  When I doubted it, he would firmly(yet lovingly-at least most of the time) tell me how ridiculous I was being and why I could do it.  He rationalized it as simple as anything.  It didn’t matter what the task was – he was behind me.  Cheering me on, praying for me, sending me notes, messages, anything to boost my confidence.  I had racks and racks of notes at my old position, because he filled my purse, my lunchboxes, my car.  One night, I came home, and there were a ton of notes stuck to the bathroom mirror – telling me how fantastic I was.  Who is that lucky?  That’s this girl.  So how do you carry on with that? I accomplished a whole lot in the past year – and it was him behind me.  WE accomplished it.  Because without his love and support, I could have never done it.  I try to think of this as like military basic training.  You get knocked down, to get built up stronger than you ever were before.  But this seems like a low I never could imagine.  I don’t know how you get up from this.  I am trying, but I feel like when I get a little bit of dirt to pull myself up – it falls off in my hand and crumbles away.  The book of Jeremiah is an acrostic poem.  I decided to write one – by the way – I am definitely not a poet. 🙂

Just yesterday it seems you were here,
Eating, sleeping, and loving beside me.
Sometimes I look to see if you are coming through the door.
Everytime it hurts more when I realize you aren’t.
Surely, this can’t be true.

How do I go on?
Every second, every minute, or even everyday.
All that I knew, my security was taken from me.
Little did I know how much it meant to have you.

Maybe, tomorrow will be better.
Everyday you will be loved – whether you are on this planet or not.

So, there is my acrostic poem.  I hope you like it – I really do.  I bet Shaun would – or he would laugh and call me weird… Nonetheless, he would love something about it – because he loved something about everything I did – even if he didn’t “get” it.

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I’m on the phone with my company’s “help desk”. I got a guy remotely logged into my computer trying to fix it. Not working so far and we are going on half an hour. Not a big fan. Anyways, I’ve had time to think. And isn’t it funny, how we always want something or someone to “fix” us? (Not referencing a computer-bigger scale folks). I’m sad. I want God to “fix” me. “Fix” my problem. “Fix” the fact Shaun is gone. Somethings can be fixed. Some can’t be. But we have to try to help fix ourselves too- or at least have the want to. Every morning we get another 24 on our shot clock. Get through today. I am trying.

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Not a creative title, but it is factual.  My eyes are burning as if I poured acid in my eyes, at least, I think that’s what it would feel like.  I seriously cried for almost 5 hours last night. I don’t know why.  I couldn’t stop myself from googling sad songs, thinking of Shaun.  I was looking at his picture.  His clothes.  I couldn’t sleep. I had a weird dream – like when you are half asleep half aren’t – where I thought I was interviewing him.  That could have been hysterical sleep. Because I was the epitome of hysterical.  I had a hard time talking to anyone, I just wanted Shaun to see and feel everything in my heart.  I am sure, that going back to work played a part of all that.
I was nervous for me, Jacoby, the new job, you name it.  You can reference below to see about the job.  And, It isn’t bad – I just know it’s not what I am meant to do.  But I will do it like a trooper until God shows me what is in store for me.  He might be trying to let me get my hysteria out, before showing me something else to do.  And here’s the thing I want to express to everyone.  I hurt beyond any pain I ever thought I could bear.  I didn’t think  you could live if you had pain this deep.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I have a hard time getting through the day without using a complete box of tissues.  Commercials where  people kiss, it makes me bitter.  I am jealous.  I had that.  I want it back.  I run through a gammut of emotions throughout the day.  And it makes me feel crazy.
The pain I feel, like a scalding iron through my heart – every time I speak or get ready to text/call him and realize I can’t.  But, Because of all these emotions, and as horrible as they are – as unbearable as they seem – I AM NOT DEAD YET.  God, obviously wants me here.  He is also allowing me to feel this way, so maybe I am supposed to.  I have begged, pleaded, and probably will a million times more – just to understand.  But I know I never will.  But God will show me – over time – of that I know.  And I have complete faith in him.  That’s the easy part.  I know he is carrying me right now – and I am load to carry I am sure – because if my heart weighs in pounds, like it does in my chest, well Wow.  Good night, guys, pray tomorrow is better than today.

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I am at work. Everything is just not working. Computers. Phones. You name it. But I know that is to be expected. But the simplicity of this process is maddening. I know God provided me with this job, and I am so grateful to support my kids. But, after the tragic events that have occurred- it seems, well, trivial. Shouldn’t I be changing lives? Letting the world know what true hope is. Telling people about my husband, an how fantastic he is! How he had changed. How I miss him immensely, but Jesus allows us to reunite. And albeit, it’s so painful now, and times I feel like my heart is literally going to explode in my chest- God is carrying me. Shaun is breathing life into my sails for the kids. He’s whispering to me – you can do it. I am going to write more tonight. I have more to say, but just a random thought and rambling.

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Ever go to church and feel like the pastor is preaching directly to your face?  Ok, I know-I know, that only happens to me.  I kid.  Anyway, that was my experience this morning, and I had a lot of thoughts and I thought that I would share a few of them….Imagine that.  😉
First of all, I want to say thank you for all the support and encouragement through this time.  It’s been/is horrible.  And I have had so many comments, emails, face to face conversations – and so many of you have told me I was strong.  I am not strong.  I promise you that.   When I write, see you at church, Wal-mart, etc. – it might seems as if I am strong because I can force a smile – have an insightful moment – sing praise.  But trust me when I say this, you haven’t seen my screaming and crying in the floor of my living room begging God and asking him why.  As I have puked from crying so hard.  As I freak out, when I don’t know where something is in my house – because Shaun always took care of that  – and I throw things, break things, knock them over – then crumple in the floor, and start crying all over again.  I have yelled at Shaun, and yes – I know he didn’t have a decision in it.  I have yelled at God.
I honestly felt like this.  We went to church.  We prayed.  We tithed.  We loved each other dearly.  We were good people, with a good family, and raising our kids in church.  So why did this happen to us?  To me!? (Because I still feel in a way, Shaun got the easy part of this deal – He’s in heaven.  Imagine it.  HEAVEN!)  But show me in the Bible where it says it is gonna be easy.  I mean, really.  Jesus was perfect and died a horrifying death.  But here is thing.  I feel like through this – God love is not protecting – he’s not got a big wall around me saying “I’m God.  I’m gonna keep all the bad out.”  He is perfecting me.  He is changing me.  Through Shaun’s death, he is going to work in me to do something great.  So everytime I feel overhwhelmed, like I can’t take it.  I am going to pray that God does something amazing – and more than I could ever imagine.
Shaun got it.  He wanted everyone to know God.  Know his cleansing power and love.  Understand that this is urgent.  You don’t have tomorrow – or at least tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I know that I will be with God and Shaun forever, when I pass away.  But guess what.  I AM NOT DEAD YET.  I’m not.  And I could cease to live.  Or I can choose a new existence.  A new calling – and spend the rest of my life trying to reach people far from God.  Shaun wrote this on his facebook wall… “Whoever needs this.  I love you.  God loves you.  I’m praying for you.”  And I am doing the same.  If you need me… Let me know… If you need me to pray for you… Let me know…  Although, I do often.  And if you have a need – email me.  Call me.  I’m here.  Don’t be afraid because I am the “new widow”. I will continue with the same passion what my husband started.  But I know that God is gonna do something amazing in my life.  Stay tuned and let’s ride this ride together.  I think it is going to be beyond what I was ever able to imagine….

And Shaun, I know you are behind me 100%.  I love you.

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I’ve had a hard day.  I don’t know why.  But I have sat here and remembered the love that we had.  It wasn’t easy to come by for me.  It was a long and hard road  before I found him, and I believe it was the same for him.  I had dated different guys, a previous marriage, and then – only then – did we find each other.  It seems so random.  But it couldn’t have been.
When I thought of my life, relationships I had with others, that well – didn’t work.  They had their moments of grandeur, but they weren’t the ones that really understood me – and loved me anyway.  There were some good ones, bad ones, and some that I thought that were really keepers.
Then, there he was.  Standing in Unos.  And he shook me to my core.  I knew it – knew it – deep down to my the very essence of who I am.  It took me a long time to find him, but when I did.. Wow.  Now that being said, I have a love for God, my kids, friends – and everyone of those loves are near and dear to my heart.  But there is nothing more sacred, nothing more true, than being loved by, and in love with an angel. It hard to be in love with someone not on this planet.  Someone who now is perfect in every way.  I loved his imperfections, too.  Well, I will be honest, not all of them – but I should say some of them. But it still made up him.  And to me he was my soulmate.  Yin and Yang. Iced my Cake – and insert any metaphor of your own here.
Every night, when I go to sleep – I picture my angel’s arms encompassing me, and holding me through the night – so I can carry myself through another day.  And every morning I have woken – I have remembered and it hurts more some days than others – albeit the pain is immense everyday.  But I never have to doubt if he did love me – or if he still does.  Because I know the answer to that.