Tag: Widow

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Now, I know that mommy just cringed when she read that title.  So first – Mommy, I apologize.  Publicly.  But – I am a poop magnet just didn’t seem to be much of an attention getter.  But this is important – so I feel that it’s important to catch some attention.  Over the past two weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching.  And for anyone who has ever done that – it is absolutely brutal.  I’d like to say that it’s a beautiful and awakening experience, but fact of the matter – it blows.  And here is what I discovered.  I am a crap magnet.  And why?  Because I have been a negative, disobedient, and self serving Christian.  And not a very good Christian at that.

We all know – that for some time – I have talked about how I knew my calling was to write.  And I needed to write to get a message out.  Well guess what kiddos!?  Now forgive me for sounding like the old, southern, Christian Grandma – but when you know what you are supposed to do – the devil is gonna try to stop you.  And that he did.  And here is what is so shocking to me.  Well, first – I let him, to an extent.  Second, how he did it.  But since they are rolled into one – here is the story.

And before I say anything- let me state that this is my issue.  Not the company that I work for, nor the people I work with.  But I do have a difficult job, to an extent.  As I am sure that we all do.  I deal with people in a really bad moment of their lives – wrecked cars.  Ninety-five percent of the people I deal with, have had something bad happen to either their first of second largest investment.  And my job is to make sure their cars gets fixed correctly, in a timely fashion, or total them.  Frankly – all of them are hard for folks – just as it would be for me.  But, here’s the kicker – I need them to LOVE me.  Not like me – LOVE me.  And for the most part they do.  Which is great, right?  I am a hard worker.  I love my customers.  I love the people I work with.  So what’s the problem?

The problem is that it became an obsession for me.  I wanted to be the best.  I wanted the approval of all my customers.  I wanted to be the best adjuster.  Not because it was the right thing, because I wanted to be the best.  And then here is the kicker.  I let everything else go to the wayside.  I stopped writing my book.  Why? Because I was bitter.  I was angry.  I was sick of people being mad over a car – but acting like I cared.  I have that feeling often, of this – “You think that a wrecked car is bad?  I don’t care that it has 11 miles on it.  I found my husband dead in a bathroom floor.  This car isn’t a problem.  It’s a hiccup.”  But, in the sugary sweet voice, I tried my best to care – deep down.  But guess what – I didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong – I do want to make the process easy for people.  But then I want to make my bosses proud.  I want to get great numbers.  And I obsessed about it all.  I didn’t go to work, and put in a good day’s work, doing the right thing, and then go home.  I worked 60 hours a week.  I worked at work.  At home.  Driving to and from work.  I talked about it all the time.  And it made me bitter.  So, I became a crap magnet.

I read this weekend, that you when you complain – you become a crap magnet.  I complained.  About my stress.  My customers.  My bosses.  Their expectations.  The whole nine – so guess what?  I got a lot of complaints back.  Because misery loves company.  And when you start complaining to folks – they do it back.  So not only am I carrying my junk around – I am carrying theirs too.  So – as of yesterday – that’s all done.  No more complaining.  I am planning on my exit to pursue what I love and know I need to do.  I am gonna blog more. Focus on my book.  Get it done  – It’s 80% done anyway.  I am gonna be happy – change my attitude – and no longer be crap magnet.

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May 2nd would have been Shaun’s 33rd birthday.  My heart always feels heavy when I hear the word, May. Anyone who knew Shaun, knew he loved his birthday.  Another reason we were a great pair.  We loved our own birthdays.  It’s like your own little personal holiday.  Started the day with breakfast in bed – or restaurant of his choice (depending on his mood).  Then we would go and get his birthday present.  Followed up with a family dinner out – and normally friends coming over that evening.  He loved his birthday.  So, every year – on his birthday – my heart feels heavy.  Sad for him.  Sad for the loss of him.  Sad for everyone that knew him.  Sad for me.  And it’s a weird feeling – being sad.  There is a level of guilt that comes with that sadness once you have continued with your life.  And thankfully – my husband is a rockstar.  He gets it.  He knows that just because I am sad for Shaun- doesn’t mean I love him less.  It’s a situation that  I never thought I would be in.  And I am still stumbling through it.

This was the worst year so far.  On Thursday, May 1st, my sister-in-law and I were at a Charity event with some friends.  The salads had just been served when I noticed her take a phone call and walk out.  She comes back in literally about 4 seconds later – and says, “I need you – come on.”  So I got up and left.  We walk away and go to the restroom area – and she turns with her eyes welled up with tears and tells me, “David is dead.”  And something bizarre happened to me.  My insides felt like they were turning to stone.  David, is my brother-in-law.  My husband’s brother.  I had never met him.  But, there was an unfortunate accident where he was living, and it was completely unexpected.  We know we are going to have to tell our husbands, but we don’t know how.  Finally we call – and get everyone to the house.  And by this time – my insides were completely solid.

My husband’s youngest brother – he is a fixer.  And so he was on it.  My husband – was in total shock.  And all I knew to do was hug him – and let him cry.  And then try to figure out the logistics.  Make sense of it all.  Research it all.  And then do whatever needed to be done.  I knew my job was to be the one who when someone says, “Go get a chicken and taco sauce, ”  – I am gonna be the girl who gets it don’t ask why.  I never realized how much those people helped me until after the fact.  But inside – I was stone.

Until Friday.  Shauns’ birthday.  At about 10 o’clock.  I went to work that day.  Due to catastropic events in the panhandle – our team at work was short – so I needed to go in and finish some stuff.  Especially, not knowing what the next week was going to hold.  I walk out into the tow yard, and I am staring at a car.  And I hear one of the people walk up behind me – but I refuse to look at them.  He says, “You ok?” – and my insides began to shake and melt.  And tears started pouring.  And I began to ugly cry.  Shaking all over ugly cry.  And he looked shocked – but shut up and hugged me.  And let me cry.  And never questioned why.  I thought, “Why am I crying like an idiot?  It wasn’t my brother – and I didn’t know him.  Don’t be the dramatic person, who is all overwrought.  Buck up girl, and handle it.”  So I did.  But I was still confused as to my hugely emotional outbreak.

So for the past 2 days, I have also tried to figure that out.  Because after my 4 minute breakdown – I was solid again.  So I started writing down the random thoughts in my head – and here is what I came up with.  My heart was broken.  Broken for my husband.  My brother in law’s.  My sisters in law.  My nieces and nephews.  I might not have known him personally – but my heart was broken for all the people I do love.  That I do know.  I know, all to well, the pain that they are going through and that they will go through.  I know how much their world is rocked.  I know their lives have a new dividing point – Before David died and After David died.

So, I wanted to buy them a book.  A sweet friend of mine gave me the book, “Tear Soup”, when Shaun died.  It’s a children’s book – but it was exactly what I needed.  But, I thought, maybe there is something more appropriate for grown men losing a sibling.  There is not.  There are more books about losing a pet than there are about a sibling.  And then I cried again.  Two reasons this time.  And I finally figured out why.  
1.  I cannot imagine losing my sister.  I have had her my whole life.  And even thought we live super far away – there is a level of comfort of knowing she is there.

2.  This – the here and now – is their new normal.  And it sucks.  And it ‘s painful.  And it will get better – but it will never go away.

And here is something to think about – there is nothing out there for siblings.  And that shocks me.  Your siblings are the people that are supposed to be with you through everything.  All the hardtimes.  Your parents are not supposed to outlive your siblings.  It doesn’t seem natural.  You prep yourself for the fact that your parents and grandparents will die one day.  Not your brother or sister.  Your siblings have been there for all you successes and failures.  They have seen you at your best and your worst.  You tell your deepest secrets to you them – and even if you don’t tell – they know it anyway.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss in what dies inside while still alive. Never Surrender.” – Tupac.   And I believe he nailed it.  Everytime you lose someone – and piece of you dies inside. That is the biggest loss of all.

And the loss of your sibling will remain with you the rest of their lives – just like they were supposed to.

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I am the mom to a fourteen year old boy, and 10 year old girl, and a three year old little boy.  I love my children in many different ways.  My oldest was my first child, he grew up with me in a way.  My daughter came next, and she is like my little mini me.  And then Jacoby, the baby.  The child that I am in complete awe of, everytime I look at him, because I know just how precious he is.  And I know, after having two before him, how fleeting this time is in his life and to appreciate the moments.

But tonight, I am talking about my oldest.   I have never been a fourteen year old boy.  I can’t imagine what that is like.  I have never had divorced parents.  I never lost a parental figure.  I never was a stepchild.  My son, has experienced more in his fourteen years more than I have, in many ways.  And for the most part, he is a well mannered, well spoken young man.  Does he do things that drive me absolutely crazy?  More than you could ever know.  But does he have a good heart? The best.

I am writing this because he has weighed on my heart a lot lately.  I moved him across the country – and he was willing to go.  He started a new school, that is triple in size than the high school that he would have went to, and he went with a smile.  No fear.  His first day of school – he didn’t have a schedule.  He went with a smile.  I have never been as strong as that kid.  He has seen more in his fourteen years than many people in the US see in their lives.  He has experienced more pain, and pain of his family, than I ever came close to.  And he still does it with a smile.

So what I am saying, Is I am thankful.  Thankful for the resilience of a child.  Thankful for all that he has taught me.  Thankful for the trips we have went on together.  The adventures we have had.  And I look forward to the many to come.  I have not been the perfect parent, I wish I had.  I have learned a lot with him – and I know that I am a better parent to Bella because of it, and even better to Jacoby.

To be honest, on June 22, 2011 – Tariq was a little boy.  On June 23, 2013 – he was almost a man.  Overnight he grew up – literally.  And he has never been the same.  I think, at times, I have expected a lot from him, because of how adult he can act.  Which makes me sometimes forget, that he is still a kid. Learning.  Figuring things out.

So this post is for my son.  I love you Tariq.  To the moon and back again – and I know I am not the perfect momma.  But you are most definitely the perfect son.  And God blessed me so much by giving me  you.  I love you baby…. More than you could ever know.  And I just felt like you should know it too!

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So, I have been off the radar for awhile. Been kinda busy. I moved almost 900 miles. Started a new job. Got three kids enrolled in school. Got them adjusted. Got me adjusted.  Unpacked a million boxes. 

In all of this – I realized I have hoarding tendencies. Now, to an extent I am kidding. But wow. I had a lot of junk. Stuff. Things. And while we were waiting for our pod to be delivered – I realized that there are just a few “things” that I really need. Here they are – in order. 
1. Clothes 
2. Flat iron 
3. Makeup
4. Internet 
5. Phone
6. My bed. Oh how I love my bed. Air mattresses stink. I hate them. (And here is just my opinion- but if you are gonna sleep on an air mattress, get one for you and your spouse. There is no point of doing the roller coaster of sleeping in an air mattress. It’s worth the extra twenty bucks.)
I mean, I like the amenities of a microwave. A grill. Cable. But the above are things I need. Oops. Adds coffee pot to that. 
But here is something that I got when I moved, that made all that other stuff seem trivial. I got family when I moved here. When my son had a fever- I called my Jolie, to see what juice he wanted. When I need my bed upstairs – Curtiss moved it. 
And tonight, I am laying here with a heavy heart because I want to be there for my daddy and mommy.  Hug them and help them. I know my sister is there – and that beings me comfort. But I worry for them.  I miss my parents. And it seems that has been a constant theme for 15 years. 
But, I also learned this. I have a ton of family in Fredericksburg. And I love them and miss them too.  But – how awesome it will be when I see them again. Just like when I visit my parents. 
I know these thoughts are all random – but it links in my mind. To often, we love new things passionately. When really, if we lived and loved passionately- we would be much more fulfilled and have many fewer regrets. 
There are things I think of even now, that I wish I had said to Shaun. And I never did. I never thanked him for many things. I never told him how I felt about some things. Why? I have no idea. I used to beat myself up over it. I can’t do that anymore. But I can change it from this point forward. And that’s what I have been trying to do. And what I will continue to strive for. Sometimes I fail, but that just creates an opportunity for improvement, right?
So say what you need to say. Love and hug passionately. Live to the fullest. And cherish every moment. Xoxoxoxox.  Goodnight. 

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Every night when we go to sleep – we have the promise of a new day.  It’s a promise – not a guarantee.  We  know that the sun will rise, the earth will rotate,  somewhere it will rain, somewhere the sun will shine.  But we don’t know, what the new day will bring.  I have had numerous – too many to count – that I would change.  I would change the way things went from the second I wake up, to the second that I go to bed.  There’s days where I wouldn’t change a thing.  There are days where I wish I could just hit the delete button – rewrite that day – and insert a new ending.  But, what we can control is what we decide to do with our new day, if we are blessed enough to see it show up.

Too many people have passed away, had serious illnesses, or have had serious struggles lately.  People that I know personally.  But today, a lot has popped up in my path.  I have asked a lot of questions.  Have tried to project what Shaun would advise me to do.  And, it’s a good thought process to have.  I am thankful I trusted him enough to want to take his advice.  Anyway, I digress.  So, here is what I have came up with – ready for this?  Live today like you could die any second, but plan like you are going to live forever.  To sum it up – Don’t be overly cautious and not live today to the fullest.  But don’t be so exuberant in your life – that you miss great possibilities for your future…  Once again – Live the Dream.

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Not a creative title, but it is factual.  My eyes are burning as if I poured acid in my eyes, at least, I think that’s what it would feel like.  I seriously cried for almost 5 hours last night. I don’t know why.  I couldn’t stop myself from googling sad songs, thinking of Shaun.  I was looking at his picture.  His clothes.  I couldn’t sleep. I had a weird dream – like when you are half asleep half aren’t – where I thought I was interviewing him.  That could have been hysterical sleep. Because I was the epitome of hysterical.  I had a hard time talking to anyone, I just wanted Shaun to see and feel everything in my heart.  I am sure, that going back to work played a part of all that.
I was nervous for me, Jacoby, the new job, you name it.  You can reference below to see about the job.  And, It isn’t bad – I just know it’s not what I am meant to do.  But I will do it like a trooper until God shows me what is in store for me.  He might be trying to let me get my hysteria out, before showing me something else to do.  And here’s the thing I want to express to everyone.  I hurt beyond any pain I ever thought I could bear.  I didn’t think  you could live if you had pain this deep.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t eat.  I have a hard time getting through the day without using a complete box of tissues.  Commercials where  people kiss, it makes me bitter.  I am jealous.  I had that.  I want it back.  I run through a gammut of emotions throughout the day.  And it makes me feel crazy.
The pain I feel, like a scalding iron through my heart – every time I speak or get ready to text/call him and realize I can’t.  But, Because of all these emotions, and as horrible as they are – as unbearable as they seem – I AM NOT DEAD YET.  God, obviously wants me here.  He is also allowing me to feel this way, so maybe I am supposed to.  I have begged, pleaded, and probably will a million times more – just to understand.  But I know I never will.  But God will show me – over time – of that I know.  And I have complete faith in him.  That’s the easy part.  I know he is carrying me right now – and I am load to carry I am sure – because if my heart weighs in pounds, like it does in my chest, well Wow.  Good night, guys, pray tomorrow is better than today.

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I am at work. Everything is just not working. Computers. Phones. You name it. But I know that is to be expected. But the simplicity of this process is maddening. I know God provided me with this job, and I am so grateful to support my kids. But, after the tragic events that have occurred- it seems, well, trivial. Shouldn’t I be changing lives? Letting the world know what true hope is. Telling people about my husband, an how fantastic he is! How he had changed. How I miss him immensely, but Jesus allows us to reunite. And albeit, it’s so painful now, and times I feel like my heart is literally going to explode in my chest- God is carrying me. Shaun is breathing life into my sails for the kids. He’s whispering to me – you can do it. I am going to write more tonight. I have more to say, but just a random thought and rambling.

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Ever go to church and feel like the pastor is preaching directly to your face?  Ok, I know-I know, that only happens to me.  I kid.  Anyway, that was my experience this morning, and I had a lot of thoughts and I thought that I would share a few of them….Imagine that.  😉
First of all, I want to say thank you for all the support and encouragement through this time.  It’s been/is horrible.  And I have had so many comments, emails, face to face conversations – and so many of you have told me I was strong.  I am not strong.  I promise you that.   When I write, see you at church, Wal-mart, etc. – it might seems as if I am strong because I can force a smile – have an insightful moment – sing praise.  But trust me when I say this, you haven’t seen my screaming and crying in the floor of my living room begging God and asking him why.  As I have puked from crying so hard.  As I freak out, when I don’t know where something is in my house – because Shaun always took care of that  – and I throw things, break things, knock them over – then crumple in the floor, and start crying all over again.  I have yelled at Shaun, and yes – I know he didn’t have a decision in it.  I have yelled at God.
I honestly felt like this.  We went to church.  We prayed.  We tithed.  We loved each other dearly.  We were good people, with a good family, and raising our kids in church.  So why did this happen to us?  To me!? (Because I still feel in a way, Shaun got the easy part of this deal – He’s in heaven.  Imagine it.  HEAVEN!)  But show me in the Bible where it says it is gonna be easy.  I mean, really.  Jesus was perfect and died a horrifying death.  But here is thing.  I feel like through this – God love is not protecting – he’s not got a big wall around me saying “I’m God.  I’m gonna keep all the bad out.”  He is perfecting me.  He is changing me.  Through Shaun’s death, he is going to work in me to do something great.  So everytime I feel overhwhelmed, like I can’t take it.  I am going to pray that God does something amazing – and more than I could ever imagine.
Shaun got it.  He wanted everyone to know God.  Know his cleansing power and love.  Understand that this is urgent.  You don’t have tomorrow – or at least tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I know that I will be with God and Shaun forever, when I pass away.  But guess what.  I AM NOT DEAD YET.  I’m not.  And I could cease to live.  Or I can choose a new existence.  A new calling – and spend the rest of my life trying to reach people far from God.  Shaun wrote this on his facebook wall… “Whoever needs this.  I love you.  God loves you.  I’m praying for you.”  And I am doing the same.  If you need me… Let me know… If you need me to pray for you… Let me know…  Although, I do often.  And if you have a need – email me.  Call me.  I’m here.  Don’t be afraid because I am the “new widow”. I will continue with the same passion what my husband started.  But I know that God is gonna do something amazing in my life.  Stay tuned and let’s ride this ride together.  I think it is going to be beyond what I was ever able to imagine….

And Shaun, I know you are behind me 100%.  I love you.

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I’ve had a hard day.  I don’t know why.  But I have sat here and remembered the love that we had.  It wasn’t easy to come by for me.  It was a long and hard road  before I found him, and I believe it was the same for him.  I had dated different guys, a previous marriage, and then – only then – did we find each other.  It seems so random.  But it couldn’t have been.
When I thought of my life, relationships I had with others, that well – didn’t work.  They had their moments of grandeur, but they weren’t the ones that really understood me – and loved me anyway.  There were some good ones, bad ones, and some that I thought that were really keepers.
Then, there he was.  Standing in Unos.  And he shook me to my core.  I knew it – knew it – deep down to my the very essence of who I am.  It took me a long time to find him, but when I did.. Wow.  Now that being said, I have a love for God, my kids, friends – and everyone of those loves are near and dear to my heart.  But there is nothing more sacred, nothing more true, than being loved by, and in love with an angel. It hard to be in love with someone not on this planet.  Someone who now is perfect in every way.  I loved his imperfections, too.  Well, I will be honest, not all of them – but I should say some of them. But it still made up him.  And to me he was my soulmate.  Yin and Yang. Iced my Cake – and insert any metaphor of your own here.
Every night, when I go to sleep – I picture my angel’s arms encompassing me, and holding me through the night – so I can carry myself through another day.  And every morning I have woken – I have remembered and it hurts more some days than others – albeit the pain is immense everyday.  But I never have to doubt if he did love me – or if he still does.  Because I know the answer to that.

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Remembering the future… weird statement, I know.  But that’s what I’ve been doing today.  I’ve been sitting around and thinking, about all of my plans with Shaun for our future… And how they are never going to happen… And it’s sad, to me.
Here’s a few:
1. First year after retirement, we were going to take a month vacation, and hit every major league baseball stadium – and watch a game.  We were going to purchase opposing team shirts – and get our picture made in front of every sign, in a different fighting position.
2. We were going to live in a Senior Facility, in a super cool condo.  You know the type of place I’m talking about – where they cook your meals, serve cookies in the afternoon – the old guys get together and play poker.  The old ladies go to the “arts and crafts” room, and they discover their inner artist.
3.  We were gonna sneak out of the senior center after hours – and make out in the gazebo (because all of those places have a gazebo).  And yes, we made out often – and we planned to make out forever…
4.  He used to say, “Senior Ride Til We Die Baby…”  And everytime we saw the the Senior Ride – he would grab my hand and kiss it.  I dread the day I see the senior ride on the road.  Probably will have a breakdown – just sayin’.
5.  We wanted a beach house.  A lot.  We almost had one.  We were moving on August 1st.  The beach house has lost it’s luster for me.
So, I guess I will remember the future.  Make up what would have happened in my mind.  And think about how fun that would have been – since we didn’t get to do it.  But I am glad we had dreams, goals, and things to look forward too.  Because now I have memories from the past and I also have memories from the future…